I usually just respond to other thread and that gets my feelings out, but tonite I am in such pain.<P>Ever since my H told me about his A, he has becaome increasingly despondent. What i mean is the "I love you's" are gone now. Even the reflexive ones. I tell him good nit and he just turns and closes the door.<P>It is the way he is so silent. this weekend he got drunk every night so to numb himself so he did not have to deal with me. We took a walk, he left me in the dust. <P>He is becoming more adverse to being touched. When he first told me, he wanted hugs and hand holding for support. Tonite at "back to school night" I had my had on his shoulder. He, without calling attention to himself, twisted out of my hand with some excuse about looking at the other work displayed. When the meeting began, I found him at the back of the room with his arms crossed. <P>We went out to dinner after because it was too late to cook, he didn't address me, only the children. When we got home, he went out to stand in monsoon storm. Inside, he turned on the weather channel. I asked if he wanted to talk about anything and he ran his hand down his face. I said Fine. The I changed the subject and started talking about my day, and how I was out of the house all day and couldn't mop as I planned. He said, "You don't have to give me excuses." Meaning I couldn't give a flying f*** what you did today. I left the room. But then I remembered whet my therapist says," tell him your feelings anyway so he'll know where you are." I told him it hurt me when he pushed my efforts away. It felt as if he was pushing me even further away. I told him I wanted a little courtesy. To cut my conversation with a grimace, to ignore me, on purpose, was just plain rude. And that even though we were apart(bedrooms) we still lived under the same roof and he had to show me some courtesy. Then I said I just didn't know where to go from here, I needed some clues. He said, "I know." It was followed by more silence. (Talk about LB'S-I cannot control myself) I told him I did not want him to ignore me so that he learned to live without me...and i dissolved into tears. <P>I cried fifteen minutes in privacy and then apologised because I knew that showing him my sorrow doesn't help him to open up to me, which he has yet to do. He nodded--in silence. This is killing me!<P>I said goodnite and said I love you and left before I could hear the non-reponse.<P>I am not venting, just letting it all hang out. Maybe I am a little.

Burned Spouse,<P>I read your post and started crying.<P>You described EXACTLY how my H treated me for many months. It was so right on target I felt like I was living it all over again.<P>I am so sorry BS. I'm just so sorry, I know what you're feeling right now. It's the most painful feeling there is, makes you feel like you should dissapear.<P>But there is hope, I promise you this. I'm so glad to be able to tell you this because when I was going thru it I didn't know about this board and I felt my way thru it all by myself. Actually I was just surviving hour by hour at that time.<P>Your H isn't himself, thats clear. But it's not your fault. You're gonna have to put on the "Infidelity Filter" because he will probably say and do things that hurt you tremendously, but you can't listen or believe the crap. Filter out the CRAP.<P>You can do this, I know you can. Try not to let this get you too down. Cry and vent and be P/O here but please don't LB him. If you feel like you're gonna LB, walk away and say nothing. <P>I haven't kept up on your story, so can you tell me how long you've been Plan Aing? <P>I know how much this hurts, to look at this man who you've known for so long and have him treat you like an enemy or worse. This is his deal, he is going thru something that you have no control over, all you can do is Plan A him and take care of YOU, you are important and you do matter, and what he is going thru is not about you, it's about him.<P>Here's my fav three lines I used for the months my H was an A** Hole:<P>~ I understand<P>~ I see<P>~ Okay<P>Those were the only things I knew I could say without worrying about him getting mad or starting a fight. And you know what, he liked it. He started to tell me how good I had been. (GOOD? ...Barf, Vomit, Hurl a Chunk!)<P>Anyway, I hope you're okay BS. Post back so we know how you are.<P>Jo<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited August 23, 2000).]

<BR>Hi BS:<P>You know my H throughout all of this Affair business has genuinely been very nice to me except for one period....when the affair was discovered and he was trying to decide what he wanted to do.<P>My H has a temper and blood pressure problems but he had never been mean in the past...just explosive and later apologetic.<BR>During this time he was just "mean" that's the only way to describe it.<P>I don't know if it is a necessity for them to steel themselves and be mean to make it possible for them to leave us but I think that is a possibility. After he made his decision (to leave) he recovered quickly and was never mean again...and he was back in six months time. He has never repeated this meanness although he has left again.<P>They are in the greatest turmoil of their lives...don't underestimate it's strenghten...and whatever way they decide...someone is going to get hurt. I guess it's no wonder they strike out or mire themselves in depression.<P>Give him some space...after all it could be that he is just suffering withdrawal from the idea of giving up OW...if that's the case, it's only just begun...but you'll be there for him, won't you.<P>Buffy

Burned spouse,<P>Boy can I relate. My H is exactly the same. Its like he can not say one word or he may say the wrong one. He also pulled his hand away when I tried to hold it, and wouldn't even say good night when he went alone to his seperate bedroom. <BR>I wanted to scream at him can't you even give me the couresy you would a stranger?<BR>But I guess he can't. He is moving out the first of September and altough it is hurting alot I also think he needs to do it. I can't keep being the bad guy, maybe on his own he will start to think a little. <P>I probably have not given you much, but I want you to know that you are not alone, this seems to be fairly common behavoir from them. Hang in there and be strong for yourself.<BR>Lora

Man , you all decribed my H as well. From D-day to when he moved out (6 weeks) he was mean, angry, nasty. I could not touch him. He stopped sleeping with me 4 weeks before he left. (after he reached for me in the middle of the night).<P>He left and moved in with OW 8/4. The first 2 weeks he was still very angry, showing alot of emotion. Right now he is better, says he is happy and that we are threw. He is not coming home. He is reliving our courtship and first years with her and it is moving so fast. We have a strong foundation and their relationship is based on lies, deceit and deception. I am waiting for the crash - it has to come - it will be a matter of time.

To all who posted to this subject. I read all of your posts and I am so impressed that you continued to stay in the relationship even when your H's were being so mean. You must have great self esteem and strength, to not only find out about an A, but to then watch them go through withdrawel too! WOW! I will pray for all of you, that your dreams will be mended.

KWAS,<P>I could not have the strength if it were not for God's help. I pray and ask to be prayed for as well. <P>I have found a group of friends to support me that I was not aware I had. <P>Believe me, I could not do this alone, and I am not alone.<P>These BBs are great as well. To find others are going through this, to be able to understand more of what is happening to my H , and to learn what I need to do to make the best of things has been a great help as well.

BS:<P>You are going thru withdrawal with your husband. I remember all you are decribing and I am about to go through it again. But I have more self esteem this time and a recovery plan is in place this time. We both are on med's, going to counseling and maybe church. <P>Stay strong and come here as you are, cuz we can understand your pain and hurt. <P>Judy

I think it's a defense mechanism to keep him from having to face it any further. Since the A is out in the open, he is under stress to make some kind of decision or have one made for him. If he can keep distance between you, he doesn't have to face your hurt, face what he's done, make any decisions, or do anything more that will rock the boat.<P>My H got mean when the OW told him she was pregnant. I didn't have a single clue what was going on. I responded to him by being withdrawn, which gave him something to pick on and make it my fault, and gave him a reason to stay out and do his thing, and eventually a reason to leave. So, although you have lots of reasons to be mean back, I wouldn't recommend it.<P>Hang in there. It can't last forever. I know it is hard, but you will get through this.

Thank all of you. I feel better today. I felt like such a big baby. It does my heart good to hear back from you all so quickly. My ordeal only started 8/5--my D-day. It just keeps getting worse! <P>What surprises me most is he thinks he is still keeping his feelings to himself to keep from hurting me. But you know what? I think he doesn't want to face what he has done. It is as if after the 60 day no-contact; all will return to normal and he can see her again, or talk to her again. As if, if he can stick it out, he will have fulfilled his bargain with me and get her as a prize! I just wish he would say a handful of things so I could get a clue!! Why did he have to fall in love? It is hard dealing with emotions that I am no longer familiar with. I have not seen these emotions since I moved away to college in 1982. We talked on the phone daily too, just like with the OW, now.<P>Many of your S left and moved in w/ the OP, mine cannot do that without moving 2500 miles away. But we also cannot afford an apartment. We barely make things meet as it is, and the new Therapy costs are high also. Ins. does not cover Therapy. <P>My therapist also says keep the nature of our problems a secret from the immediate family, in case we reconsile. Then there would be no neg. feelings from them to add further stress to our delicate state. I agree in priciple, but it is the hardest thing in the world for me. I have always relied on my family for support, but this is different. My brothers would beat him up and my mom-whew! You should have seen her at her divorces! I wouldn't ressurect that emotion from her if you paid me! <P>What I am trying to say is thanks. I really need to talk to people who understand and want the same thing I do, and know how to achieve what they want(whether they get it or not.) I know three weeks is not long to be going through this, but I know, you all know, it fells like three YEARS!

I too, went through this situation with my H after he finally ended the A. In the two months between d-day and the actual end, he was much more loving, discussing things, kind to me - this is when he was trying to make up his mind what to do. As soon as he ended the A, he became withdrawn, sullen, defensive, less affectionate etc. This was his withdrawal period, where he was suffering from the pain of losing her, and I think, indirectly blaming me for his loss. <BR>This was hell - I still needed much reassurance more than ever, but instead I got the cold shoulder and worse. Finally I backed off, and started taking only what I got, instead of always initiating sex, affection, saying I love you, etc. I did try to go out of my way to reassure him that I realized what he was going through, and how proud I was of him for making the decision that he did, and that I knew it was not an easy decision to make. <P>After about 3 months, things started to improve. He gradually started coming back to me emotionally, although now at 5 months later, he is still distant at times. I read that it can take up to 2 years for the intense feelings triggered by a romantic affair to go away. So just take it one day at a time, realize that he is not himself, and that whining (like I did) only makes him feel more resentful of you at this point. He is also feeling guilt, and the combination of his missing the OW plus the guilt has made him a very unhappy, unpleasant person. <P>I know it is truly horrible to have to go through this. Believe me, the best thing you can do is to back off, realize why he is acting this way, and give him time. Let him know that you love him and are there to comfort him, but maybe via e-amil or a letter, where he doesn't feel obligated to reciprocate the affection. Be the best wife you can, follow plan A, and don't push him. Take good care and stay strong.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by burnedspouse:<BR><B>I usually just respond to other thread and that gets my feelings out, but tonite I am in such pain.<P>I said goodnite and said I love you and left before I could hear the non-reponse.<P>I am not venting, just letting it all hang out. Maybe I am a little.<BR></B><P>My husband and I went through that stage. It really hurt my feelings. That hurt more deeply than knowledge of his affair(s). The affairs angered me because whatever the reason--it was never a good reason. He shot down any display affection for a while.<P>Then I started "going for the Oscar." I remember I began to flirt with him in the midst of the trouble. Yes, flirt. He resisted at first, but not for long. That's when I realized I stumbled upon making substantial deposits.<P>I shall continue to make substantial deposits unti HE closes the account. It may sound desparate, but I'm at peace with the decision.<P>PS It's OK to vent .<P>------------------<BR>Love hurts no one.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Resilient:<BR><B>Burned Spouse,<P>Those were the only things I knew I could say without worrying about him getting mad or starting a fight. And you know what, he liked it. He started to tell me how good I had been. (GOOD? ...Barf, Vomit, Hurl a Chunk!)<P>Anyway, I hope you're okay BS. Post back so we know how you are.<P></B><P>Res, I laughed at your reaction, but I know that feeling, yuk! I call filtering "going for the Oscar" but it has the same effect.<P>However, it got my husband's attention. It lessened time spent with the other person.<P>I like that .<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>Love hurts no one.

burnedspouse,<P>I am sorry for the state you are in at the moment. I hope you have the courage and determination to stick to what you believe will achieve your objective as outlined by your therapist. <P>But take care and know that you do have your limits and venting is a good thing sometimes. <P>You are fortunate to have supportive family if ever you need them. I know because my family is so supportive and they have accepted H's mistake and tried to help us reconcile. It seems to help that he sees that I have a support network and can't bully me; and it helps that my family welcomed him back like the prodigal son (with a clear statement that this is the first and last A they will endure!).<P>It helps me when I sometimes say with arms raised upwards "All to Jesus I surrender". <P>My heart goes out to you as you soldier on. Whatever happens, know that you are special and never let a man destroy your life or your hope. Fifty years is but a wink to God before we meet him for all eternity.<P>I love you for your humility against the odds<BR>weep