Thanks Steve and Popeye - I did not end up sending the letter to my H. I am a very blunt person (hey, I was a pro wrestler for 2 years, I can't help it! ) It's good because it makes me a (brutally) honest person, but it has gotten me into trouble because I can jump to conclusions.<P>Anyway, my H has expressed to me in counseling sessions that he is afraid to talk to me because of my typical reactions. He has said that he feels like he's "walking on eggshells" around me. I don't know, I guess it's hard to believe that the WS is having as hard a time with recovery as the BS. It feels like it's so easy for my H to say "let's move on and forget about it," he doesn't understand that it's hard for me to do that. Of course it's easier for him to move on!<P>However, after the posts from yesterday, I am going to bite my tongue and implement Plan A. I think that this is going to be the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life, but I'll give it a try to see if it helps. It supposedly takes 21 days to form a habit, and this will be my 2nd official day of Plan A & not LB. I started yesterday - I didn't interrogate him about what he did during the day, I cleaned the house so that it looked immaculate (a big EN for him, one I'm not the greatest at), and I was attentive. Granted, I've had to go into other rooms and scream into my pillow a few times to relieve the frustration that I'm feeling over this situation, but if Plan A really can work, I'll stick with it. For those who it has worked for, when you've suspected (or have KNOWN) something was up with your spouse, how do you manage to keep your mouth shut and keep Plan A-ing? Or are you still allowed to ask them?

Plan A works...it worked for me. It also had the nicest side effect of bringing my h back home and restoring our marriage!<P>Get the difference. Plan A is not just a method of "showing" your spouse, it's not just to repair your marriage, it's a plan for you to find within yourself the best person you can be. It's self-examination, self-honesty and the changing of bad habits......most of it anyway. Part of it is also being kind to your spouse, trying, if possible to fill their EN and avoiding lovebusters. So, it DOES work, whether or not your marriage recovers, by bringing you strength and personal growth and helping you to become a much better person, no matter how very wonderful you were b/f!<P>For us, it also helped Robert and I regain a wonderful friendship and then the love we had lost somewhere along the way.......much of this WHILE he was living with PT and planning to marry her!<P>I think it's probably fine to ask questions, as long as it's not an inquisition and you can ask AND react rationally and respectfully! With him living with someone else in the beginning, I didn't have too many questions to ask....pretty obvious, huh? After he returned home, I didn't ask many either...though it seems we may deserve these answers, a WS is hurting and so insecure, questions can be a terrible lovebuster. No matter, I've found out everything I wanted to know...because he TOLD me...as he learned he could trust me and my reactions without fail.<P>Hang in there, Hon. Plan A is just beginning for you...it's not part of you yet...that takes time. Keep working on you, you won't be sorry.<P>Love and prayers,<P>Lori

Hi. Here is a link to 'our story'. Obviously, I don't do it perfectly (hence yesterday's almost delivered letter), but as Lostva pointed out, the work is internal...it takes lots of time, and the benefit is, you change. Sometimes, you also get your marriage back on track.<P>lizzie<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/000551.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/000551.html</A>

IF my husband had NOT done plan A...... the marriage would definelty be over. We have had some real bumps in our recovery but they seem to get a bit easier to cross the more we cross them, rather than sit on the safe side and watch life pass us by.<P>I do not think a normal human being cannot react to Plan A. When someone is being kind, loving and all that, then you eventually respond. I know that personally.<P>My husbands first reaction to my affair was to kick meout.... but now.. 7 months later and a look for a counselor... we are doing okay.<P>Good luck<BR>mercy

I'm a Plan A success story...18 months, sometimes better than other times. I also had the experience of my H doing the Plan A on me, after the 18 months. If I had not, or he had not, I doubt we'd be together now.<P>Carolina, you sound very strong willed. There are those who have taken Plan A as a personal challenge, especially the no lovebusters aspect, kind of in the manner other people would learn a language or go on a diet. Channel all that kinetic pillow-screaming energy into self-will .<P>Plan A is not becoming a doormat, but sometimes the line between the 2 is fuzzy. Other books that clarified it for me:<P>TORN ASUNDER by Carder<BR>AFTER THE AFFAIR by Springs<BR>DIVORCE BUSTING by Weiner-Davis<BR>HOW TO GET YOUR LOVER BACK by Harris<BR>YOUR HUSBAND'S MIDLIFE CRISIS by Conway<P>These books don't call it "Plan A" but the premise is very similar.

If the goal of Plan A is to end the affair and restore a happy marriage, then, unfortunately, I'd have to say that Plan A did not work for me. My wife did not end her affair. I tried Plan A for 5 months, thought it was working, then found out she was still involved with the other man. It did make her happier with our relationship, she said she was filled with guilt over lying to me and still seeing him because things were so much better between us. So maybe she would have ended it eventually, I don't know. But I consider that a failure.<BR>If the goal of the plan is to make the BS a better person, then it worked. I looked at myself long and hard, saw how I hadn't been a very good husband for a long time, and made sure I was a much better one. I think I did very well, she has said the same thing, that she was very happy with our relationship. <BR>Like I said, maybe she would have ended the affair and maybe I'd feel differently if she had. But as things worked out, after 5 months of doing all I could to please her and fill her needs the affair was still going on. So I don't feel it worked for me, I feel like a fool for rewarding her for cheating on me all that time; that's how it seems to me. She was having the best of it all and I just got another heart break out of it. <BR>

It worked here. I Plan A'd my heart out. It wasn't always easy, that's for sure but in the end it worked like a charm. Things ended up better than they ever were before.

Carolina Belle,<P>Go read the going away post by Sir Hurts Alot and then go back into the archives and read his posts from May and June of last year. Or even earlier. Then read his posts from around Dec. 99.<P>You will see that Plan A can work, but as everyone her is telling you, it is more for you than spouse. What happens is that as you work Plan A on yourself, you change. The WS often notices this change in a positive light, and if the WS can bring themselves to end the affair, the chances of rebuilding the marriage go way up.<P>But as someone said here, Plan A is not for wimps.<P>God Bless,<P>JL