well a few months have past sence I last visited or posted! It has been now 8 months sence I found out about the OM and her emotional seperation from me (which blindsided me).<P>The good things are:<BR>We talk more.<BR>We argue a whole lot less.<BR>We smile a little more (I think).<BR>When she says I LOVE YOU is sound much more sincere then it did in the past and she is saying it more.<BR>She does travels alot but during the phone calls home she sounds glad to hear me and although I was/am alway glad to hear from her I'm very consciuos about sounding glad and leasning to her.<P>OVERALL THINGS ARE GOING GOOD<BR>But the physical affection along with the sex is still nonexistent. In this eara she is still extremly emotionally seperated. This make me angre, frustrates me, Confuses me and most of all scares me!!!! We stopped having sex when she started having sex with OM. Come the end of Sept it will have been 1 year without it and I'm thinking about it more an more. sounds like a normal guy right :-)I have never not had sex or not made love for this long and I'm sure that the 8 months that she has been without is the longist she has gone too. But then she/we did have a baby girl who is now 3 1/2 month old!!! The only time I really seem to dought her commitment is when I feel rejected. That is alot. Then I get scared she is still seeing him, scraed I'm doing something wrong and that something is wrong with me!! That I'm unlovable at least to her. This at times gives me the feeling that we are not husband and wife but room-mate with 3 kids!<P>Could this be a normal step in repair our marriage? Is it also understandable that the wayward spouse not be able to have a sexual relationship with their spouse for sooo long??or could this be a sign that she is still talking to OM<P>Another thing I have noticed is how she (the cheater) is having more trouble forgiving herself then I(the cheated) have in forgiving her for this mistake. Like I tell her it is done and over, she is still a wonderful mother and as a wife I would still choose no other; if I could start all over at the age of 20 I would still ask her to marry me!!!! We just have both made mistake. So how could I help her understand that she is still a great person?? And to help her move on past this!!!!<P>ps she is on a business trip right now and in the town of the OM. Not sure if trust and faith are the same thing. But my stength gives me faith she is only working there. And I trust that she does love me!!<P><p>[This message has been edited by BL (edited August 23, 2000).]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by BL:<BR><B>well a few months have past sence I last visited or posted! It has been now 8 months sence I found out about the OM and her emotional seperation from me (which blindsided me).<P>ps she is on a business trip right now and in the town of the OM.<P></B>You have done much better than I did with my husband by not getting into a relationship because she is in one. The reason is she won't be able to throw your affair in your face when she returns to you wholeheartedly.<P>This may be part of post-partum blues that has her in a relationship while her baby is only three and a half months old.<P>The decision on implementing a stategy to wait and woo her back to you will, needless to say, always be up to you.<P>I would advise you to take advantage of every interaction to make a much more SUBSTANTIAL deposit than she's receiving in her account from the OM.<P>The more you make his deposit appear insignificant, the more you can give your wife something to work on as she journeys back to you.<P>It's a risk and there's a lot of waiting involved, but do YOU feel it's worth it?<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>Love hurts no one.

I'm sitting here at work playing receptionist and reading as I glance through some of these posts. The book I have in my hand, "Trust" by Ira Tanner, has some great notions about trust building for both spouses. It is a little read but pack full of a things to think about. It seems to be offering the advice you may find useful.<BR>I have to thank my wife someday for buying it a few years ago...I have no idea when. I posted a little more about it in my post on Other Topics BB.<P>rrunrr<BR> <P>------------------<BR>Almost anything can be undone or forgiven.<P>Never take trust for granted.

as the betrayer.... sex is still a difficult area at its best. I still suffer a lot of guilt in that area. <P>There is a betrayer by the name of Robino in the REcovery forum here. I suggest you read some of her posts. It will give you very good ideas where your spouse is coming from.<P>good luck,<BR>mercy

BL,<P>I am fairly close to being in the same situation as you. In fact I had to reread a few times as I thought I might have written it :-)<P>I am confused by what your current state is and also have a lot of the same questions as you do.<P>I guess first I have some questions:<P>1. Are you in recovery with your W(ie has she stopped all contact with OM)?<P>2. How long have you been in recovery?<P>3. Where is your wife at with regard to your relationship right now?<P>A little history:<P>My wife had an EA/PA which lasted around 8 months. We have been 2 months into recovery with one setback when she left for a weekend with OM. <P>As is the case with you things seem to be going quite good right now. Our communication and relationship seem better than ever with all the same things you reference.<P>Like you our sexual interaction has been nil for 8 months now. I think ours quit sometime between when the EA started and when the PA actually started.<P>In counseling yesterday I was told that my W is now dealing with am extreme amount of guilt and shame regarding the A. I am sure that there is also some withdrawal, but our C says that most of what she is dealing with is guilt and shame. My W is doing individual counseling between our joint sessions.<P>The C explained that my W(ie and most WS's) don't love themselves when they start dealing with the withdrawal of an A. Along with this go immense amounts of guilt and shame. <P>Now if you are like me you find this hard to swallow. In fact we believe that there is something wrong with us or they are still in love with the OM. I am quite confused, but have to bit my lip I suppose and fall back to trusting. Man is that hard!!!<P>My W has not initiated any sexual intimacy other than lots of hugging, cuddling, some amount of kissing as part of hellos and good buys, and maybe a few showers. Intercourse has not come up at all. Quite frankly I'm glad it hasn't as I'm not sure that I am even ready for that yet.<P>I am surprised at the number of people that have to get back to sex immediately. I felt like that at first, but as time goes by I feel I want it less and less. Actually it is starting to bother me because I wonder if it signifies anything bad about the relationship. I love my wife dearly and want to spend the rest of my life with her, so why don't I have to be intimate with her?<P>I am hoping that this just part of the recovery. <P>Help BL and I out here WS's. Is this how you feel and do you work through this?<P>Now we have only been in recovery for 2 months so I guess I should just consider myself lucky and thankful for where I am at. However, this sucks and I just wish I could fast forward a year ahead.<P>Anyone else have any comments on this part of the process?<P>Thanks,<P>Reborn<P>

1. Are you in recovery with your W(ie has she stopped all contact with OM)?<P>2. How long have you been in recovery?<P>3. Where is your wife at with regard to your relationship right now?<P>A little history:<BR>Help BL and I out here WS's. Is this how you feel and do you work through this?<P>Anyone else have any comments on this part of the process?<P>Thanks,<P>Reborn<P>[/B][/QUOTE]<P>Thanks Reborn for wanting to hear this<BR>WOW you would like to read my history!!<P>IT all started around june/july99 I think that is when they meet. We had been talking about ( me quiting my job) moving overseas with her job (she make 2-3X more the I). In Sept99 We did. Also in Sept99 she started PA with OM( I was watching the Kids and sleeping on the floor while she was...). This continued from Sept- Dec and she had planned on being with him on the week after x-mas for the new year. I FOUND OUT BY SNOOPING ON HER WORK COMPUTER!<P>1.Then we started recovery on the 27dec99 (that is the day I confronted her). SHE said and is working on the marriage so yes we have started recovery. OM does live in another country, she does have the possibility of having to deal with him for work. But has agreed not to call him or see him out side of work if that happens. OM has call W and W said that she has keep it short but was not firm with him on no contact rule, she told him she need to work on marriage. <P>2.She has travelled to the town that the OM live in 3x sence in recovery, has seen OM 1 work related only, And has taked a few times on the phone but has never called OM.<BR>Have been in recovery all of this year.<P>3.Right Know all seem normal in the house. We live together, sleep together, we are married without sex. The communication is a little on the low side, She is and has been a workoahalic so that is well over 3/4 of the conversation. But if that is what she wants to talk about I now understand how important that is to her. BUT IT'S HARD. We are not seeing a C together or apart. I read alot of relationship books and talk to people, she keeps it all inside and talks to no-one about it.<P><BR>We do not talk about the affair much nor about our feelings. I always must start the conversation and do so only when something is bothering me ( not a good time to do so). The last couple of time that I felt rejected I was smart enough to not go off the deep end and just left the room. She would soon follow the I would say the it hurt to feel rejected and that I need to be alone for 15 or so minutes to gather my strenth and composure then let her know that I love her oh so much and that its OK. I need to let her understand that it is safe for her and will not blow things up and start an agreement. After I have calm down emotionaly we then talk but only for 10-20 minutes.<P>Alot of the information I have recieved from her is over the whole recovery time (8 months), a little at a time and by truely listening to what/how she is saying. I have been trying not to correct her feelings nor explain them to her (doesn't always work).<P>ie...if she said " I could not talk to you" I wouldn't say anything like "I was here, you just didn't realize it". <BR>W said" you was always in a bad mood and I felt like I was walking on egg shell" I would not explain my behavior (like it was justified) but let her know that I would try to improve and not dump my bad day on her in the future.<P>Unlike you REBORN I am craving a sexual relationship with W and I think I am ready for it (maybe). It is one of(only 1 of many of) the was that helps ME feel loved. <BR>I'm also affraid about building a wall around my heart (has she has done) and not being able to knock it down. So sex or love making (even without intercource) or just hold her closely would/could remove a brick for me. Which would help me to be more understanding, committed, and relaxed. <BR>Has a matter of fact the 1st time we start to get very close physicaly I plan/hope to have the restaint to only do some serious cuddling.<P>I do believe that this is tiring her up inside (more then I can understand) Why I'm not sure. <BR>It could be because something is still going on between them<BR>OR Nothing is going on but she still has strong feelings towards him<BR>or I trust and have faith that it is only shame she feels!!! <P>I want to just say " JUST GET OVER IT HONEY_BUNNY IT'S IN THE PAST" <BR>But that would not be wise to say.<P>I still see a long road ahead of us<BR>I think we will make it if I am strong enough to not let my black&white attitude or temper get in the way<BR>Do not say anything that you do not mean<BR>Do not say things that are unkind and are not said to help the situation<BR>NO LOVE BUSTERS<P>wow this is long for me and on my own thread haha:-)<P><BR>[This message has been edited by BL (edited August 24, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by BL (edited August 24, 2000).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by BL:<BR><B><P>Unlike you REBORN I am craving a sexual relationship with W and I think I am ready for it (maybe). It is one of(only 1 of many of) the was that helps ME feel loved. <BR>I'm also affraid about building a wall around my heart (has she has done) and not being able to knock it down. So sex or love making (even without intercource) or just hold her closely would/could remove a brick for me. Which would help me to be more understanding, committed, and relaxed. <BR>Has a matter of fact the 1st time we start to get very close physicaly I plan/hope to have the restaint to only do some serious cuddling.<P>I do believe that this is tiring her up inside (more then I can understand) Why I'm not sure. <BR>It could be because something is still going on between them<BR>OR Nothing is going on but she still has strong feelings towards him<BR>or I trust and have faith that it is only shame she feels!!! <P>I want to just say " JUST GET OVER IT HONEY_BUNNY IT'S IN THE PAST" <BR>But that would not be wise to say.<P><BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>BL,<P>Like you I wonder which of the above is affecting my wife. I hope, especially after what I heard yesterday(our C session) that it is the last. I am being told that it is her self worth and esteem that has her going through her downturns. I am being told that it is not her feelings for OM. Man I sure hope that this is the case. <P>Like you we also have a long road. The good thing that I have going for me is that my wife is being physical with me. Lots of hand holding, cuddling and hello and good bye kisses that have feeling behind them. She also has been telling me a lot that she loves me. <P>Is all this a front. I don't think so and it is what keeps me going. As far as intercourse. I don't know how we are going to deal with that one yet. I believe we both have issues there that will have to be worked through. It will most definitely be a touchy subject.<P>Along those lines. I have a question. I have to bring up the question of getting tested for STD's at some point. I will not do anything with my W until she gets tested and she can prove to me that there has been no contact with me since she first started her PA. How should I bring this up to her? Should I do it now or wait until we are dealing with it?<P>I know that it is not supposed to be a LB, but I think it will still come across like that. On the other hand she may feel that it is for her own good also? I also don't want to have to deal with that. I wonder if our WS's realize the mess that they have created. It sure makes me angry sometimes...<P>Reborn<P>