This is my first time here, I may just sound really crazy but that's what I need to find out.I have been with my husband for 10 years, we have two children.I value my family more than anything: I am mostly home but am finishing a degree in nursing. I just had an affair with my husband's best friend. I met my H in high school, his passion for me is so deep, as mine for him. This problem I'm having is so ironic since I love this guy more than bees on honey. After my second child was born my H started gaining alot of weight. I respect him and refuse to hurt his feelings and he is a great chef, we both love food and wine. Our sex life pretty much stabilized into a routine. He now weighs over 300 pounds and I am a fit size 12 and 6 feet tall. No big deal until i try to have an orgasm, I can but it's difficult. To make matters worse ad genetics would have it I really blossomed late I guess, Men tend to be atracted to me where ever I go. I'm flattered but always too scared to do anything, I don't really want too. That's why our mutual friend was so perfect. We both love him so much and we both had been sexually destitute, sick right? My husband actually suggested it. He wanted to see if I'd really do it I think.One night when my kids were camping with my parents we had friends over. Drew stayed because he had to pick his kids up in the morning, closer to our house. After three bottles of wine and some dancing My husband suggested it lightly.Drew refused realizing its distastefulness but Pandora's box was cracked open. Later after my husband went to bed we had sex,not loving just sex. We tried to keep an emotional distance.My husband found us in an embrace, I told him there was no intercourse, he was so mad. Now he is sad and so am I, sick to my stomach on all the candy i just ate. The thing is, I will destroy myself eventually, that's a given. I really don's care about me. If I hurt my husband again I'm afraid I'll lie down and never get up again, cash in my chips, I would perish spiritually forever. Any suggestions?

Its so crazy that I'm just sitting here waiting for a reply, I had to learn to use the internet and this site just to get feedback. I sound do awful when i read what i wrote, not the whole story. My H has a problem with aggression. I have told him I am turned off but I end up pushing my feelings away or he gets mad. I just can't do it anymore and he knows. He now goes to the gym almost everyday and is losing but he has dieted before. Does he want to be healthy? or just barely alive in a few years. Am I sabotaging our relationship or am i pouting? I just want the old him back, his new dimension tells me he's tired of being a dad and a husband. How could he let his food addiction go on and get angry when i try to help him acknowledge it? Why am I on self-destruct. Should I just feel guilty and never question him again? oh god I love him so much.

G2<BR>You have come to the right place. This is a place where no one judges, we just support. I am sure you will get a fromal welcome from Jim <P>In the mean time, Think on this. Your h is feeling unattractive about his appearance(I can relate to that ) He tries to fulfill you in the marriage bed, but your reactions are not so spontaneous anymore. He probably gains more weight, feels more guilty. Then concerns himself with your Em. Needs(EN)...He realizes that you must be satisfied in some way. Instead of something a little more down to eaarth, he hints at the impossible. Here is a friend, unattached, you feel he gives you the green light, and after he asleep, you privately try it. You never get the chance to decide about what had occured because he caught you. His jelousy, BECAUSE HE LOVES YOU, fires up. Now the whole thing is a mess and you both are heart broken.<P>The thing you need to realize is that undereneath, your h suggested that idea because he was sure that you would think it some kind of kinky joke, I don't think he thought it could really happen. But it did. And on top of it, you lied right off.<P>What you need to do is be honest with him, don't yeall that it was HE that suggested it, you ultimately decided to go through with it. It is yours and the OM's responsibility to own up to it. Next discuss how it made you feel(with your H) and that your feel--how? However you feel, you need to tell him. Even it is to tell him to lose weight. If he had your support, I sure thaat he could do it. Offer to exercise with him, easy. His appearance is obviously important to the both of you, it affects your feelings for each other and about yourselves. <P>My H always said I was fine, Even at over 50lbs overwieght, he would never say a bad word against me. Now, and I am not sure this is one of the reasons, he had found some woman who has never had any kids, probably shapely. I should have paid attention to myself, if only to repect myself! I am now, but is a little late, the damage is done and he had broken his vows to me. His affair went on for over a year and he fell in Love with the OW. I know now and that is where we are.<P>You have the greatest possibility to repair the damage you have done. Your love will see that through, give him time to believe in you again. Read the book, TOGETHER, His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. harley. It is really insightful. <P>Just keep that communication open and try not to be negative towards his attitude. If you show love, remorse, and an openness to change, he will see it and possibly respond in kind... You have a real shot here. Don't lose hope.

Welcome girl2:<P>I usually don't get to this board until late so I'm sorry no one was here for you but burnedspouse. The advise she gave you was excellent.<P>I understand you're feeling since my H also was overweight for years. It took a medical emergency to get him to get it off...although it's really just medicine not dieting. I have tried for years to get my H to exercise more (to get out and do anything). I'm fairly active myself and wanted him to share with me.<P>His weight and blood pressure caused impotency problems which he blamed on me.<BR>He went looking for someone who would do it for him I guess...heard it still didn't work.<P>Anyway, I'm certain your H has felt the vibrations in bed and is very confused and hurt. A man's ego in this area is very delicate...easily bruised. What he needed was comfort and reaffirmation of your continuing love. <P>You have created a problem with this other man...a problem that will not just go away...but this problem has the same solution as the original problem...the expression of your continuing love for him no matter what happens. <P>If you will read the material on this board until you understand it you will begin to have an idea of what you need to do to give your H back what you took away from him and begin to heal your marriage. Once you have dealt with that damage, then you and he together may be able to deal with the weight issue. All things need to start from love first though.<P>Come back and let us know how you're doing.<P>Buffy

I agree with burnedspouse. You have to be<BR>totally honest with your husband concerning<BR>what happened. I agree he probably made the<BR>comment as a joke just to see your reaction.<BR>You had sex with his good friend and now you<BR>have lied to him. You need to come clean and<BR>tell and show him how much you love him. How<BR>would you feel if he had sex with your girlfriend and then lied to you about it. It is the dishonesty that hurts a great deal. I would suggest that you show him these letters you have written because it shows how much you love him. The longer you wait the more damage you will do to your marriage.<BR>Good Luck

You need to jumpstart your marriage and sit down for a good talk. Your husband must be feeling bad about his weight and when he suggested that he probably expect to hear your devotion to him ("What?! I love only you! How can you say such a thing? If it is your weight, we can do something about it together and once we are both fit and trim, our sex life will be even better. What say we try? And don't you ever suggest such an absurd thing to me again!).<P>Unfortunately, you misread his real message. What is done cannot be undone. Please show not only shame and remorse but FULL REPENTANCE to your husband. Tell him you misread him and that your blunder was the worst mistake in your life ever. Please do stick to your vows once you said that or you will devastate your husband forever.<P>You both can read "Forgive and Forget - healing the hurts you do not deserve" by Lewis Smedes. <P>

Welcome <B>girl2</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Sorry I'm so late...<BR>...been out 2 days...<P>Do read the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>Welcome</A> post.<P>You've both made mistakes...<BR>...and they can be corrected!<P>Start immediately on Plan A...<BR>...you can check out ===><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... and<P>===> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>...<P>and most of all... get the book...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>!<P>Prayers...<P> <P>Jim