Just wondering how many of you that were betrayed responded by cheating yourself and what affect it had on you either negatively or positively?

Jeremy,<BR> I don't know if you can call what I did cheating or not, as we were seperated and headed towards divorce, and I also did it right out in the open and did not hide it from anyone. I considered myself to be single the day he walked out the door, so the next time someone asked me if I'd like to go out on a date, I accepted. Eventually there was sex, but not at first. I was too angry for that.<BR> I needed to feel desirable. I was vulnerable, and hurt that my H had been with another woman while married to me. It was such a shot to my self-confidence, I felt undesireable, unattractive (despite several men at work showing interest in me, which I put off because I Was Married) so when someone told me how beautiful I was, that was what I needed to hear. H knows about the others, and has no problems with them, as we were seperated. So I did have relationships, which technically would have made it cheating as I was still married, but the whole thing with cheating is it is hidden, and never spoken of. Mine was not that way. I didn't hide, because I felt at that time, my marriage was over, and H saw other people as well. What eventually pushed me over the edge into sex was OW working where I did, and I wanted to show her that I could have any man I wanted as well. One of the guys I saw I know she used to drool over, but he wouldn't give her the time of day, which made me LMAO!!! He would avoid her attempts at conversation, and instead come up to me and start openly being affectionate. She quit soon after that. The funny thing is this particular guy was not overly choosy, never the kind to turn down an offer, but he didn't like her for what she had done to me. He had to console me through fits of tears when she started out there, and told me that I was worth much more than her anyday. We are still close friends to this day. No sex though, he knows H and I are back together, and he wishes us well. So I don't consider it really cheating, because though married, I thought we'd be divorcing, and what's the use of maintaining vows that are already broken? I may be wrong on this, I am sure quite a few will take exception to what I have said, but that was how I felt at the time. I'm sorry if this answer upsets anyone. I just believe in being honest, and the guy was single, so it wasn't as if I set out to be someone's OW.

I haven't even considered it. I think it would ruin any chance of reconciliation with my husband.<P>I also feel that if I got into a relationship while still married, that I would also be committing adultery and at that point would be no better than my husband.<P>

No, I wouldn't cheat. I noticed other guys and felt how it nice it was to be noticed by men. I could see how the betrayer felt seduced by the attention, but it was also revolting. Although our divorce is pending and there is no chance for reconciliation, I still consider myself married and would not have a sexual relationship until it is legally over. It's a matter of personal ethics.

OK,<BR> Let me get this straight. My husband cheated on me, before we seperated. He leaves, I go on with my life. He also did the same, but I am in the wrong, because I was still married. Exactly how married can you be if your H is gone, sleeping with others? I honestly answer a question, and all of a sudden I am Hester Prynne? I was going to be divorced. I guess this is what I get for being honest, and answering someone's question. Excuse me for living. Why don't I just run off to Gloryb now. Jeeze!!!

Hey Ktgirl,<P>C'mon, no one is slamming or flaming you, are they Hon? Hope not. <P>You are honest and I appreciate that, everyone is different and I've found that most of our friends here on this board are pretty non-judgmental. I'm sure no one meant their posts in a derogatory way or directed at you.<P>Please don't take offense, you have enough stress going on in your life right now so please don't be hurt or feel bad about being honest. <P>Jo

Hey KT:<P>A lot of us do things when we're hurt that we wouldn't do otherwise. I can remember that feeling of wanting to prove to my H that I was still attractive to someone.<P>There was a guy who was a client who I always said if I ever got divorced I would like to give him a go....well, when this mess started he suddenly was available due to the fact that he was divorcing. I took some country line dancing lessons and he was in the class. Suddenly we had an understanding...when our problems were resolved...we would check out the possibilities. My H and I got back together (that time) and he got remarried.<P>Only my feelings that my marriage still was viable kept me from proceeding in this relationship. I don't know what I would have done if I had felt my marriage was over.<P>By the way, H is out again (with same OW) and that fellas is divorced again and available. Unfortunately, he doesn't seem too good a risk now (two divorces under his belt) so I think I'll let it alone.<P>Buffy<p>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited August 23, 2000).]

I know this is a bit off the subject, but is anyone affraid of aids or other STD's? I'm sure my H didn't check before he went lollygagging into another bed. A year later and I wonder, what is OW sexual history? Or her X's? I have a feeling H didn't use a C either. ??????????? How do I ask him about his one? Huge LB, right?<P>BS

BS:<P>We have covered this one before and it was uniformly agreed that your health is the one area where you have to LB if necessary. Get him tested before you indulge. You're right about sleeping with everyone OW has slept with (probably a higher number then she can count to). Scary isn't it.<P>Buffy

I just simply asked, which is how I found out that he didn't with OW. I also told him that I did. When he said that she had told him she was on bc, and showed him a letter from her doctor (this gal is just full of them, I can barely get a doc to answer all questions, she's got one that spits out letters on a whim for her) stating that she was std free. Said because of birth control and no std's he didn't have to use a rubber. H believed her, and that's why we are where we are now. Yes, I know noone else would have fallen for that, myself including, but when H trusts somebody, he doesn't expect them to doing anything bad. Or he didn't. He is so angry at her because he can now see how OW manipulated him, just to get what she wanted.

Resilient and Buffy,<BR> Thanks for the kind words. I don't know, I just felt a little "attitude" in the next two posts after mine, directed towards me. Maybe I was wrong. I just felt Jeremy wouldn't have asked the question unless he wanted an honest answer. I may have made some choices in life that may not have been popular, and my personal ethics are very much in tact. I truly thought the marriage was over, so preventing a reconciliation wasn't even thought of, and (besides that, if your husband cheated, who is he to get huffy because you've been with someone during a seperation? Just a thought.) In my eyes, my marriage ended when he cheated. He broke the vows we took, thereby releasing me from mine. Now that we are reconciling, I would like to renew our vows, to make a fresh start again.

Ktgirl,<P>As a rule, I don't generally read other people's replies before giving mine because I would rather my reply be my own, honest, and without influence of what other people said. (Although sometimes reading the replies prompts me to respond when I wouldn't have before). So, I hadn't even read what you wrote before posting. Sorry if you took it personally. It certainly WASN'T directed to you. <P>I am not trying to be the voice of virtue here. I don't expect everyone to have the same choices I do and don't comdemn people for being different. I feel my relationship with my H is OVER and wouldn't feel the least bit guilty if I decided to be with someone else. It's just a choice that is right for me not to. It's too soon and I just wouldn't feel right about it. Everyone has their own time table and I respect that.<p>[This message has been edited by popeye (edited August 23, 2000).]

Popeye,<BR> It's alright. I misunderstood. I do have a habit of doing that from time to time. Besides, if I'd ever thought there would have been a chance for my marriage (as it turned out there was) I would never have done what I did either. I was really angry, hurt, and I will admit, here and now, part of me thought I'd feel better if I evened the score. Wrong. I felt worse, because the person was a person I used just for an act, not someone I really cared about, not somebody I loved. If the OW hadn't been there in my face, I don't think I would have done what I did. Bad excuse, but then my temper does get the best of me from time to time, although nobody here would know that. LOL. Sorry for taking offense where none was meant. I will play nicely, I promise!

No. Wouldn't have considered it. Didn't even date until after div. final and that was 4 yrs. from when x started talking about it. 3 1/2 from when he moved out.<P>I had to know I had done everything possible. Cheating was not going to help me save the marriage. Cheating was going to get in the way of my getting a good night's sleep and in the way of my walk with God.

Boy was I tempted to call my past suitors when I found out about A. I also wanted to go back to modelling to attract some attention and make H insecure.<P>In the end, I just flirted with our handsome doctor in front of H. H didn't say a thing but the doctor had mixed feelings - he liked the attention but was uncertain because it was in front of H. I heard the good doc has since left the country for some overseas posting. Anyway, I just wanted to prove to H I was desirable.<P>In the end, when I fessed up to my friend - she said it was natural but do not do anything on the rebound, besides it will be sin.<P>I have since given up on men - some days I just feel like spitting in their face, other days I give myself a break and admire the good looking ones (something that makes my possessive and jealous H very jealous). <P>(please don't get me wrong - I wasn't this shallow before. I am simply trying to get some cheeky happy moments, so some EYE CANDY wouldn't hurt, and I promise I didn't lust, just appreciate the handsome face or shapely built).

It certainly crossed my mind. Three things kept it from becoming more than a fleeting thought.<P>First, I made a vow, and I wasn't going to break it. I told myself that often.<P>Second, I wanted to end up happy in my marriage again, and gee, that seemed like it would be counter-productive.<P>Third, I could see that falling for someone else hadn't made my H happy, and didn't seem to make any of the folks I've ever know to get involved in an affair happy in the long run. So, I decided I did not need any more pain.<P>Instead, I realized that what was driving the impulse was a combination of wanting someone to feel madly in love with me and bruised ego. So, I worked on me and my marriage instead. <P>8 months after my H told me he wanted to leave and was in-love with someone else, I do have someone madly in love with me again, and it is the guy I wanted all along, so I have been very, very blessed.<P>Kathi