I am still reeling from all the tormentors that my H's adultery inflicted on me. I am often in a lost world and it doesn't help that I have a baby to care for now. I discovered the affair some months ago. <P>I weep because of all the trust and care I showered on him. Many things really stab so piercingly into my heart that sometimes I want revenge. But I know vengence belongs to God. I feel all the impact of H's dishonesty, disloyalty, betrayal, abuse, cruelty, selfishness, etc.<P>OW was ugly, had a Jackyl & Hyde personality, was evil in her 'fatal attraction' threats against my newborn baby, and was everything most men wouldn't want - all these from my H's mouth. H said he fell into her ****-hole trap and couldn't manage the situation of her threats because he didn't want the knowledge of it to hurt me - the love of his life.<P><BR>(WS may be onto me)<P>Although H made me hate all men, I want to share a true story my mother (she didn't know the details of H's affair) shared with me yesterday:<BR>As a young man and father of a few children, my father had to entertain lusty businessmen who after one heavy drinking night pushed my father to a room with a hostess. The men were egging him on and the naked woman, save for a flimsy piece of slip, was paid for and on the bed. She was literally served on a platter in an environment that was pressuring my father's manhood as well as career. My father tried to open the door but the men were outside holding on to the door and shouting all sorts of encouraging stuff and some 'dares'. My father became desperate and tried to break the door down and shouted at the top of his voice to be let out. This attracted the attention of the lady pimp who told the rest to let my father alone and not force a man to do what he obviously doesn't want. My father ran away from temptation and home to tell my mother what happened. I am uplifted that at least there is a man close to me who is so noble and strong and honourable and respectful of his relationship with my mother. He was my greatest source of comfort at this time, but unfortunately he passed away soon after. OW actually called him up and wanted him to give details of how to reach me and when he refused, she shouted at him and slammed the phone down. My father, a very kind and gentle person, felt his chest tightened and since then was hospitalised. His other illnesses accelerated and within three months of knowing of his daughter's hurting heart, he passed away with his family all around singing edifying songs. He was semi conscious and in a coma when I told him how I will miss his wisdom and how I couldn't bear to let go of him, my favourite person on this earth. Tears ran down his cheeks - the first time he ever cried. <P><BR>I need help and for those of you who are in such a hopelessly painful situation, suffering the hurts you do not deserve, I pray somehow you will rise and shine again for yourself, or your child or your parent, and one day like I hope I can too, try 'not to waste your sorrows'.<BR> <p>[This message has been edited by weep (edited September 01, 2000).]

Weep,<BR>I don't want to add to your pain, but even if your H was drunk the first time...he continued it. Even if she threatened to tell you, you know now, and he could have faced the consequences of one drunken mistake much easier than years of infidelity and showering gifts on her.<P>She's obviously a very troubled individual and there are lawful consequences to deal with threats, your H chose to continue seeing her. If she is threatening you and your child, call the police and begin logging complaints against her, file a restraining order, she does not have the right to do this to you, no matter what your H has told her or done with her.<P>I'm sorry for the loss of your father under such painful circumstances.

Weep<P>The OW sounds like a character out of a movie. But it seems that your H was a victim to a W that was an expert in destroying men. He sounds to be somewhat of a victim too. <P>Yes he continued it, but it sounds like it was under extreem duress. The first time was a mistake, and she was probably all over him; if this is her pattern. <P>I would look to your H's words. See behind the pain you are feeling and sort out who should really be blamed. Be sure that he did this A to hurt and betray you and ruin his life. My H chose his A with both eyes wide open. He betrayed me with full knowledge of his actions, and continuing actions.Your H has told you the whole story, that is more than some of us get. <P>Try to look at the whole picture, even though the pain of your father's passing is so recent.

I have to ask and maybe you don't want to think about this but did you hear about any of this from anyone else besides your H? That OW sounds really awful and maybe too awful. It sounds like your H loves you very much and wants you to stay with him. And he doesn't want you to think that he did something that hurt you so much on purpose. I listen to Dr. Laura and she always says she doesn't buy that sexual harassment because after one time anyone can walk out. I agree with her. In one job I had once a man who owned three carryouts and I worked in one put his hand on my behind for way too long! I kicked him in the shin and told him he had better never do that again or I would press charges. Your H should have told you after the first time and risked you being angry with him. You sound like the kind of wife who would have given him foriveness. So has anyone but him told you what he has told you?<P>Del

I am so sorry for the pain that you're going through. You've come to the right place, though - you'll find support, encouragement, a lot of insight, and you can share your feelings and emotions without being judged or criticized.<P>I know, as does everyone in here, what you are going through. I have the impression that you only recently found out about the affair. May I ask who you found out about the affair from? <P>My situation is similar in many ways to yours. 2 years ago, right after I found out I was pregnant, my father passed away. My H had his affair during the last month of my pregnancy and for the first 2 months or so of my son's life. Why he did it, I'm still not clear on - fear of becoming a father, fear of intimacy, I'm not sure. Alcohol played a huge factor, and I fear drugs may have been involved also.<P>Like you, I had a tremendous amount of anger, resentment, hurt, etc. inside of me. Most of the anger has dissipated, but I am still hurt and have difficulty trusting. <P>The big question that you need to ask yourself is "Do I want to save my marriage and make it work?" I suspect that the answer is yes if you've found this forum. Separating from your spouse is a pain that far exceeds anything done by you or your spouse. I'm going to speak from very recent experience here, because I don't want you to make the same mistake that I have.<P>I held my H's affair over his head since I found out about it nearly a year ago. If he was late coming home from work, I'd ask if he was doing it again. If he did something wrong, I'd always refer back to the A. If I did something wrong, it was never as bad as his A. Basically, it always got brought back up and thrown in his face. At the time, I figured him enduring a lifetime of this wouldn't even come close to what I've gone through. I realize now that was very selfish on my part.<P>I went to Dallas 4 weeks ago, my first trip ever away from home without him. After 10 months of me throwing this A back in his face, my H felt like he could no longer talk to me. He was afraid to tell me about anything that he did for fear of me automatically assuming that he was having another affair. Of course, with me being out of town, I was absolutely petrified that another A would happen. I would call, and he'd always be at the bar with his buddies (for the first time in a year).<P>When I got back, I was extremely melancholy. Then a so-called friend said that yes, he did cheat on me with three different women. I was extremely irate, saying that I wanted a divorce, and I went to move in with my mother. Well, the so-called friend immediately asked my H out when she got word of my separation. It turns out that the cheating was BS, and he did meet somebody else during the week that we were separated. They came close to sleeping together, but didn't. We were apart for a week when we realized that we didn't want to lose each other. But now I have to deal with another woman in the picture. No, they didn't sleep together and yes, I guess you could say that we were on a break. But he still will have contact with this woman since she's a good friend of my H's best friend, and my H gives his best friend a ride to and from work, and she's over at the friend's house a lot. My H was not going to have another affair, our marriage could have moved on a year ago. My H was sorry and wanted to work on things - I couldn't let it go and wouldn't let him, either. <P>Does this justify either affair - no way! He is responsible for his own actions, but he is genuinely sorry for what he did. And no, looks don't have a thing to do with affairs. I also used to model about 4 years ago, I still look great (especially for a new mom!), and the women that my H were with were fat, ugly, BAR-old (my H is 28, I'm 21, and these women were in their late 30's-early to mid 40's - but spending their lives in the bars looking for "sugar daddies" & drinking make them look 60!!!)<P>I'm now implementing Plan A (see Harley web site & books) to repair the damage that has been done. Please don't make the same mistake that I did. Your H made a mistake - we all do. But if he is truly sorry and is trying to make it up to you, try to move forward with your marriage. If you read some of the other posts, there are women who have dealt with FAR worse odds - their H's left them for another women, "sex-addict" H's (I used to think mine might be one, but I'm having doubts now), and by using Harley's principles and by having a LOT of faith in God, have gotten through their ordeals and have stronger marriages than they did before.<P>Satan is alive and well in our world today. He loves it when families are broken up and homes are broken. Don't let him win. If God can forgive us for all of our sins, you owe it to yourself to try to forgive your husband. Believe me, it will take a lot of time, counseling, and praying, but it can happen. I strongly urge you and your H to get marriage counseling, either with your pastor or a marriage counselor. Also, please get Surviving An Affair by the Harleys. If it weren't for that book, this site (which I found after reading SAA), and the Good Lord, I would probably be divorced right now. <P>Keep posting and keep learning. When you're hurt or frustrated, feel free to come here and vent instead of taking it out on your H...like I did. Best of luck to you through this difficult time.

(WS may be onto this)<p>[This message has been edited by weep (edited September 01, 2000).]

(WS may be onto this)<p>[This message has been edited by weep (edited September 01, 2000).]

You are a couragous women. Your thoughts of your father makes me realize how important our parents are, how we need them to guide us and protect us. I'm betting your dad did everything in his power to make sure you were happy. You have tremendous strength to be a caregiver at such a devastating time.Sometimes caregivers forget to care themselves though. I once learned at an Adult Child of Alcoholics meeting that one thing people don't think of is to unconditionaly love ourselves. The loss of your dad took your protector away, but his strength and wisdom remain. Use this to learn how to parent yourself and become your own protecter, your dad is always with you.Do everything in your power to pamper yourself and reject negative thoughts that are redundent and useless. Love yourself as you would your own child, you deserve to stop hurting and there will always be pain from plenty of other outside sources. Healing and happiness comes from within.

Weep, have you or your H considered getting a restraining order on this woman? She is obviously not mentally stable, and no, it's wouldn't be a good idea to let her sit down and talk with you. The woman I'm dealing with right now is very similar, part of a supposed "Biker Gang", threatening my H because he had the nerve to "make Janine fall for him (in a week, yeah, okay!), be "intimate" with her (they didn't consumate the affair, but it came as close as it could possibly get to it), and then dump her to go back to his wife. What nerve! <P>Like you said, make sure the limits are drawn (but not in a demanding way - that will only make him resentful). My H can give his friend a ride to work, but a ride home, the friend is on his own since Tina and Janine are constant lurkers at his house. This was my H's idea, not mine. Hopefully, this OW is not still working with your H - if it's possible, change your # and e-mail so that she can't bother you. More than likely, if she is out of the picture completely, it will be easier for you to move on. Her not letting go is obviously a huge trigger for you.<P>Best of luck and God Bless.

Weep,<P>I am so sorry for your pain. I am the betrayer in my marriage. So I have been on this side of the fence.<P>Weep! Do you honestly think this is the way this went? Is your H Tom Cruise or Tom Hanks?<BR>I dont want to sound rude by any means. However, this is like a movie?<P>I cant imagine this happening the way you are telling. Im not saying that your lying. It is just unbelievable!<P>I am just very very very suspicous about this story. It doesnt add up.<BR>If H didnt want to then he could say no. Why didnt he come to you in the very beginning and tell you about it? I have been in the OW shoes. I must say that my OM told bare face lies. Just so he could keep hisself clean. <P>I know this is painful Weep. You had better sit back and think long and hard about this. I may very well be wrong. When I read this story I was almost sick...<P>God Bless you Weep<BR>Take Care<P>

You asked the question, in another thread, if it is possible for your H to have physical relations without liking the OW. Well, from a male's point of view, yes it is possible. Some years ago, I had a W that I had met with my friend, but I was not in anyway attracted to her. However one night when I had been drinking alot (I was on the rebound) my friend took me to my car which was parked elsewhere, by my request, and she happened to see me and said that she would drive me home and have her friend pick her up and take her back to her car. Well, I figured that would work, but she had other things on her mind. She never intended to have her friend pick her up. Anyway to make a long story short I woke in the middle of the night, after passing out, to her on top of me. It wasn't nessarily by choice, but after that she did try and stop or call my apartment all of the time. One other time I did give in for the simple physical enjoyment, but like I said I had no attraction to her it was just physical. I have heard the same from other M, that it is easy to have no feeling, but still relieve that physical need. I do know what it is like to be pursued by an over aggressive W, but not like the psycho your H is dealing with. I hope your able to get everything straightened out.

It sounds like you have had an extremely difficult time lately. I imagine you have felt an awful lot of pain; you have suffered some terrible losses. But I'd worry about your punching, scratching, strangling etc. You're understandably upset and angry, but spouse abuse is never acceptable behavior, I'm sorry. Your faith sounds like it is important to you, how does your physical abuse of your husband fit in with your faith? <BR>

(WS)<p>[This message has been edited by weep (edited September 01, 2000).]

(TAXMAN's version)<p>[This message has been edited by weep (edited September 01, 2000).]

(WS may be onto site)<p>[This message has been edited by weep (edited September 01, 2000).]

(WS)<p>[This message has been edited by weep (edited September 01, 2000).]

so i just had to show i mean business and if some scratches and bleeding can help ingrain in his unfaithful heart and mind that As are destructive in every sense of the word, then i think it worked. <P>I usually only lurk here, but this thread really got to me. It sounds like you know physical violence is wrong, but still are able to rationalize it. I know As are very painful. However, having been a victim of domestic violence, I just want to say there is NEVER an excuse, never a justifiable reason, two wrongs never make a right. If this was a wife who was being physically attacked by her husband, regardless of her actions, people would be up in arms. Just because the roles are reversed from the usual does not make it any more acceptable. I know you are in a lot of pain, but physical abuse is ALWAYS wrong. <P>

(WS)<p>[This message has been edited by weep (edited September 01, 2000).]

Weep, this is ss1313, I am using my home username, because I forgot my other password at work, and use a different e-mail. <BR> I will try and answer those questions for you. The male mind is one that can excite the other parts of our body by visually seeing something or mentally visualizing something. Perhaps, every time she came on to him he visualized you in his mind, but just wanted to get the act over because he knew it wasn't you. I'm not sure how your H may think, but I have heard that type of trick used before. If you want I guess you can consider it lust, but that can be another temporary mind game for himself. <BR> As for your H feeling humiliated, I can say that is how I felt too. The agressive woman that I mentioned, when I woke and realized basically what was and had happened I felt pretty humiliated. I don't want to say it felt like rape (because I do not know how a woman feels when that happens), but it felt like a part of my body was used without my full knowledge. As weird as it sounds it's true. Even my W asks me how could you be that drunk, yet able to perform and I have no answer, I do not know much except when the act was basically done, at least from my standpoint. The aggressive woman was after one thing, sex. Usually a male would probably not have a problem with that, but I was not attracted to her and was starting to date someone I was attracted to. The main thing that kept her at bay was the fact that I lived in a security locked apartment at that time. However, she would still manage on a few occasions to wait at the front door for someone to leave at catch the door before it locked. Luckily the couple of times I was able to have friends over at the sametime, even though the one time she didn't care and wanted to go do it in another room. Basically it was not easy to deal with. <BR> Since I really wasn't involved with anyone at the time I not sure what to tell you about the betrayal part, but as for the ego and conquest I do know. Yes men tend to do that, but usually the game wears off in the mid 20s, for most guys, but it dosen't sound like that was the case with your H. I hope this has helped you some.

(WS)<p>[This message has been edited by weep (edited September 01, 2000).]