Since December my wife is having an EA. we are in marriage counsueling<BR>since March and keep discussing ways I can change to satisfy her needs, while she keeps meeting this guy all the time, in every free moment.<BR>She keeps promising that he is not a threat to our marriage that I am just oversimplifying things by blaming all our problems on this relationship, yet all the time knowing how "paranoic" I am about it she woudl not back up an inch.<BR>She used to work with him very close, but recently their office is closed and they are both looking for new jobs. She come back emotionally to my in this timeof crisis but kept meeting him all the time.<BR>Now we is leaving to Europe for two months, partly to take advanatge of force unemployment partly - to let all of us work things out. Supposedly they both know they are not going to make it romantically but know it went too far.<BR>I was really hoping this time will help her get out of the fog, was doing my best to plan A her.<BR>But just few days ago two days before he was supposed to leave<BR>she lied to me again, she was at his place and told me she was at home. It was such an obvious lie it was so obvious I will find out I was completely bufled. I managed not to mention it, but she started to talk abotu it, complaining how hard it will be for her when he will be away.<BR>How she has so few friends she cannot afford to loose his friendship.<BR>How she was afraid of telling me the true, because she knew it will make me sad and depressed for days.<P>O.K how do I deal with it. I do still believe they are not physical, yet she is addicted to him. She clearly cannot cut those ties, I never put a firm ultimatum but many times she promised to stop it but never intended it.<BR>How do I get and inner strenght to wait it all. How can we live with an arrangement when she admits she lies to me , justifies it to herself, and expect me to just enjoy life as I can believeing without a inch of proof that this relationship is not a threat to us. <P>Have you heard about anyone who survived situation like this? and how did he do it.<BR>I still love her but now I realize I am afraid of loving her, I am considering giving her back my wedding ring and offering to become friends again, just partners, taking care of home and kids, but not expecting to much from each other.

I feel like I'm going through the same thing. I found out that while I was working, or out of town, a male friend, divorced, has been showing up with his son (sometimes not) when she and my son (sometimes not)are at the beach, and they've been going to his house. My son has made the statement that he does not want this OM to "be his daddy" and each time I asked her, she said "he's just a friend" I asked her to allow mw to be the one to meet her emotional needs & she said ok, so I'm just going to leave it alone for now & try to win her love back. I think this will be more difficult with her getting her needs met elsewhere as well, but I don't have any real choice. An ultimatum would be another major love bust, and I can't afford anymore of those. Anyone else have any ideas?

It IS an affair. If your wife is emotionally involved with someone enough that she feels the need to lie about it, it is an affair. Affairs do not necessarily involve physical contact at all - if it is hurting you that your wife is so close to this male friend, yet she feels she MUST see him and then lies to you about it, it is an inappropriate relationship which is an emotional affair.<P>Treat it as if it is a full-fledged physical affair, because if it HASN'T become one as yet, it WILL become one if you don't fix what is wrong in your relationship.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Well said Terri!<P>If she is seeing the OM and has any kind of feelings for him, it is an affair. Affairs do not have to involve sex. I know, I was in one. She is going to the OM for some reason. He is meeting an EN that is not being met at home. Tomek1963 or c00ker, have either of you completed the Emotional Needs list with your W? If they will agree to do it, give it a shot if you have not already done so.<P>The OW that I was involved with was married with three children. She told me on several occasions that she was able to talk to me and share her true feelings, and this was something she could never do with her H. I made her feel like she was the most important person during the time we spent together talking. She told me that I was her best friend and that I was the only person that understood her or cared about her feelings. These were all things that were not being met at home.<P>fs

I'm sorry to say it, but it's an affair... you called it an emotional affair, now didn't you??<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>How she has so few friends she cannot afford to loose his friendship.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I am going through this now. I have a male friend that my H feels is to close. He gave me the ultimatum and boy was it a LB! I still feel the loss of the friendship. But I did agree not to see him anymore and sent him a final e mail breaking off my friendship to him. Right now I have one friend in this world that I can really count on, and that is my H.<p>[This message has been edited by TechGirl (edited August 23, 2000).]

These guys are right...this IS an affair and, as far as I'm concerned, much worse than casual sex!!<P>Robert LEFT me for his EA with PT...never got physical until he was gone!!!! But she was his "best friend", his "soulmate" (AAUUUGGGHHH!) and this friendship almost destroyed our marriage!<P>Keep working at this marriage....this friendship is giving her something she needs.<P>Good luck.<P>Lori

We've done the ENs questionaires, along with the LB one. We have had discussions about them & I'm working on meeting her ENs the best I can. We are in counseling with Jennifer, and I think it's helping me, but I'm not so sure how enthusiatic W is. We had a very nice weekend with S at the beach, but I kind of had an emotional break down Ssaturday night. It was nothing accusatory, just me being very emotional about how bad I was feeling. I figured this was a major LB, but she said it wasn't and that she understood. I realize this is going to take a long time, but I feel like no positive response equals a negative response. I believe that this probably isn't true, but it's so frustrating to give everything & get so little in return. She did however, help meet my most important EN (SF) albeit not very affectionately, it was considerate of her. Anyhow, I just need to talk to someone about how I feel, because I'm afraid sharing my feelings with her right now would be a major LB.

<BR>Hi, I agree with some of the other posters. Like your W, my H is not having an affair either. <P>She's just emotionally closer to this OM than she is to you. Doesn't care how much it hurts you. Needs to see/talk to him in every spare minute. Nope, not an affair.