As you know, my situation has taken a turn for the worst. With the admission of the PA, we had a screaming fest with him yelling "i'm not coming back" and now he's filing. We are actually going to meet this week to discuss things.<P>However, I have finally seen the bizaar "possessed" behavior start to lessen.<P>It's like he is actually seeing me and the kids for the first time in 6 months, although still treating me like a stranger.<P>OP is pushing him to get D...pushing him to declare his love for her to his family and make amends, pushing him to be seen in public.<P>I know all of this because her poor H, who is almost ready to have a nervous breakdown, is running circles around her, taking care of all the errands and the kids, cooking dinner for her at night when she comes over from her apt. to see the kids and kissing him in front of them and then she whines to her H about my H and how both he and her H are pressureing her!!! and she whines that my H is just whining about himself!!!!<P>Doesn't it sound like a soap opera??<P>Anyway, any suggestions for stalling the D???<P>He seems pretty adamant...and boy I know she is LB, but it isn't helping me... I talk to him about one minute!!!!<P>Also, they are not living together. She won't for a year....to make it legit. So how the heck can reality ever enter??????<p>[This message has been edited by tootrusting (edited August 26, 2000).]

Has he actually filed or just threatening?<P>My H throws it around when he feels cornered or starts to get angry and defensive. He has "discussed" things several times and it is never the same. So far I have not taken the bait and LB. He is not a happy person in love, he is still depressed, he is still in the confused state, he is still talking in circles and contradicting hinself in the same sentence. <P>Step back and run the senerio through your mind. When I calm down and do this I see a lot more confusion and depression and know that I can not believe most of what he says.<P>Last night was week 3 since he left and I saw the man I married but was not hearing the man I married. He is not happy and he is still depressed and there is nothing I can do but be cool, calm and collected when in his presence. <BR>

No, he hasn't filed yet. He is currently getting the info together.<P>NO, he is not happy in Love, and it will just get worse. He hasn't even acknowledged the kids pain yet, and I've been dealing withit all. Now I'm going to let him do the explaineing about OP and his new "familY"<P>My H seems less confused than he was. Just angry and depressed. His very confused state lasted about 6 months. I just couldn't tell if it was obsession with OP or guilt...coz he wasn't admitting anythingl.<P>I backed away, though S.Harley says I was trying to control the situation.<P>So H finally admitted to PA, says he is not coming home and now is starting to go public with the affair......still me the bad guy!!!<P>I won't corner him anymore, now that I know the truth. I'm just going to continue with my life and take care of the kids. He can do the rest!!!!

Isn't is terrible that something like this can be seen as a good sign?<P>How're you doing, Honey?<P>He may file, she may push hard enough. But you know he's not happy, let her push. I remember that one day in December PT made Robert (which facinates the hell outta me, MAKING Robert do ANYTHING?? LOL) stay home from WORK (double fascination, miss work? Oh, My!) to work on changing his addresses, (the few that were left to change), go to a lawyer, pull together stuff for divorce. I know 'cause he CALLED me that day for help with some of it. (Can you BELIEVE that?) I maintained that I loved him, I would always be there to help him and I wanted for him what would make him happy for the rest of his life...and I helped him. I was sweet, she was nagging, I was nice, she was a b****. I added NO pressure, she doubled it. He was not happy with her and I knew it, so I let her dig her own grave. Everytime I was nice, he was not so nice to her and she became more of a shrew. He asked to come home the next month!<P>I never fought when he said he wanted a divorce, just said I didn't, I would always love him and the divorce would mean nothing to me...it was just a legal thing. I would not remove my rings, I would always be his wife. He'd roll his eyes and say what he could and then give up. Hey, maybe he came home 'cause he figured he was stuck with me!! LOL<P>You know what you have to do...you've been doing it. She is gonna ruin this for herself, especially now that the fog is lifting. A lot of the anger you see directed in a hundred directions (you particularly) is based on anger at HIMSELF. He'll work that out in his own head eventually.<P>Follow your instincts. Surprisingly enough, you have a clearer view now. He is now becoming more of the man you know and less of the alien....you KNOW that man, you can sort through the crap and READ that man. You also can reach him....not by lecturing (but we all know better than that by now), but your love and devotion can touch him a bit now. You take care of your part, she'll do the rest for you.<P>Good luck! I'll be watching for updates.<P>Love and prayers,<P>Lori

Lori, thanks for the positive words... I really appreciate them. I've been so worried if what I did by backing up was the right thing or the wrong thing... I just couln't take the "possession" thing, the denials and the fake hugs and smiles when I know he was not SEEING or HEARING me.<P>Now that the admission is out...i feel like I know the beast so to speak!!!<P>There is a lot going on.. she wants him to declare his love for her and I think he is at his families this weekend (with the kids) to try to explain himself.<P>She told her H she thinks I am following her...which is such a joke. I don't even know where she lives,,,I don't even know my H's address either. If they think I am wandering around getting evidence that's funny....<P>She also told her H she doesn't want to have to face me whan getting the kids.<P>I am also amazed at what she is getting my h to do. <P>Thanks for your words of advice...I haven't really had an opportunity to say anything nice or tell him I loved him in awhile. The last conversation was the big blowout, in which all I did was scream, yell and LB...that was the PA admission night!!!! Now that that's over with....I'm OK!!!! Keep praying for me!!!! I tend to have self-doubt!!!!!

You'll be ok....you're strong enough...I've seen it.<P>She is in a bad situation and it will swallow her. Even if she gets him to "show the world" it will never be enough. She "got him" the wrong way and she will NEVER trust his feelings, no matter what he does to prove them. Robert recently told me that PT was the best weapon I had!!! It got to the point that, even when clients called, if they were women, she accused him of dastardly deeds with them! Then one of my little letters would pop up in the mail and she would go balistic! She actually took them all, read them, hid them and they drove her nuts! (I sent copies to his mom's so he got them anyway, just didn't tell HER anymore.) She didn't know he was hearing from me and the fact I was writing him STILL drove her crazy. It got so bad that, one night while she was out, he called me just to talk (VERY unusual - only about 6 times the whole time he was gone). We only talked about his work, current events, Kristin, etc, but she started walking in and he hung up really quickly. I had some idea by then he was VERY unhappy and then it occurred to me that I hadn't been able to say "I love you" when I hung up! I always did that (even though he'd follow with "but I'm divorcing you anyway). MB be darned, I couldn't stop thinking about it....it was driving me crazy, so I called back, for the very first time! She RAN for the phone, saw the caller ID and freaked! She answered, I asked to speak to Robert (or I MAY have said "my husband", I was feeling pretty bold that night). He got on the phone, she was screaming in the background and I just said "Sorry to bother you, but I couldn't go to bed w/out telling you I love you." He laughed. I said goodbye and that was it. <P>I found out later from MIL (who found out from PT) that, even though she didn't know what I said, she went ballistic. Started yelling, calling me names and threatening me. Robert LOST it! Told the woman he had promised to marry that she didn't deserve to be on the PLANET with me, wasn't worthy to say my name, and if she ever so much as spoke my name aloud again, she would pay. As for the physical threats, (yup, she's more than capable of carrying them out) well, he told her if she EVER approached me it would be the last thing she'd ever do. I was his WIFE and I could call him anytime I wanted to and she'd better not ever interfere. Can you BELIEVE that??? He said "my WIFE"!!!! he walked out, she called MIL and cried (Mom confirmed the story w/ Robert later) and Mom promptly called ME at 1 am to let me know.<P>Now all this sort of stuff went on for MONTHS w/out my knowing about most of it, he maintained steadily to me that we were divorcing. <P>You hang in there....follow your instincts. This story ain't over yet!<P>Love and prayers,<P>Lori