An update for those that are following....<P>After a few weeks of my wife and I getting along well, her expressing a desire to save the marriage, making love for the 1st time in 3 months, etc., she went to TX to break off with the OM. Read my last post for more details....<P>Well, its Saturday night and she won't be home until late tomorrow. I feel like a fool. She was supposed to call and let me know when she was coming back. I finally called last night around 11 to the OM's house. I am sure I sounded pathetic, but I really was worried about whether she was coming back or not. I should have just popped some Tylenol PMs and gone to bed. Anyway, she called and left me a message about 11:40 to say that she wouldn't be back until Sunday....she started to say something else, but blurted out "Do whatever you have to" Probably in reference to me saying I would file if she went. <P>Has anyone on here ever had something like this happen, and the relationship survived? I do not believe there was a break up involved....except maybe ours.<P>One last question....<P>Why does she ask me not to file? I have offered to file to let them get on, but she tells me she doesn't want me to. But then we have 2 solid promising looking weeks, and she does this? (He does NOT know we do ANYTHING together...she lies to him) Its like she is trying to drive me to divorce her. I just don't get it. I should have not gotten my hopes up so much, but she said she wanted to end it and work on us. <P>It sure doesn't look good. <P>Thanks,<P>SS4N<P>

Sounds like yoiur wife is still very confused, torn, unsure of what she wants. I am so sorry you are going thru this.<P>I haven't any wise words of advice, but did want to respond, just to let you know I had read this and your previous post and am thinking of you.<P>Kathi<P>

ss4n<P>When she "went to break it off," I think I may have answered that you should have really stressed not, just the letter. I am affraid her addiction has taken over and she cannot help herself.<P>It is like the alchoholic going into a sportsbar to "watch the game," someone buys him a drink and wham OOPS. <P>I think we talked about follow through too. I am affraid that if you don't do something that stands out to your wife, she will continue to fall into the trap of the OM. I know divorce is not what you want, you should not make empty threats either. <P>What if you packed up a whole bunch of her stuff in boxes(Like Lor's H did.) When your W got home, she would really be shocked. She would see you were serious. You may not have to file, but look as if you mean it! What to do after that....? Giver her a key to a local hotel room to be sent to? Use your imagination.<P>But do not get mean or vengeful. Just a shock at what is to come may do something...<P>BS<P>

Burned..<P>packing up won't work...she moved out 2 months ago...before she even met him! How do I follow through and still try to save us? That is my bind...I made a threat...but I don't KNOW I can do it!<P>SS4N

ss4<P>Oops. I'm sorry. I didn't know your situation there. Does she support herself? I still think the legal seperation will make an impact, and it is not D, yet.

<sigh> I feel like an idiot. I ran crying out of the apartment tonight after she got back. She didn't break off with the OM. I do not think she ever will. We are going to talk about a legal separation tonight when she gets out of work.<P>I think it is a matter of time now. OM is single, this isn't going to die.<P>My wife does support herself, but it is tight. <P>Say a prayer for us, it looks pretty bleak right now.<P>SS4N<BR>

ss4n<P>I will say a prayer for you. Please keep up your spirit! It sounds like you are falling apart. Don't let her see this... please do what you can to stay strong. <P>Thinking of you, take care of you!<P>Cathy

What you are experiencing is very typical to someone that is in a "love affair", and vey addicted.<P>Let me offer you some hope by telling you what I went through. I discovered my h's affair, and he broke it off, but he was confused. 3 weeks later he was with her again..(They worked together).. I kicked him out of the house, and told him I was divorcing him.. H's ow was single too. I thought there was no hope just like you. <BR>I got a lawyer and h and I started to talk about spitting up assets. He took some of the things I told him he could have out of the house. He got an apartment with the ow...Talk about thinking it was over between us............ But within 2 weeks of my h being out of the house, he began calling me crying saying he loved me and missed me, and he knew he had screwed up... This was very hard for me. He would come over to the house when I was at work and mow the grass, pay the bills, fix the mower...etc. He would always leave me a note that made me realize he was very confused.... <P>I refused to see him or really speak with him very much. MOst the time he called he would leave a message on my machine or pager crying.. But he didnt tell me he wanted to come home yet..<P>I then bought the book SAA... and realized for me, I needed to be in plan B,, although i had already been doing it pretty good without knowing it.. It was too hard for me to see him or talk with him while I knew he was seeing her.. I would have cried or got mad or whatever..<P>So, I left him a plan b letter and told him I loved him, and would like to work things out, but requested for him not to call me anymore, until he broke it off with ow. I also told him I was not going to be around forever waiting, and the sooner he broke it off with her the less damage done, and the better the chance for us to repair our marriage.\\<P>My h read the letter and said that it would be very hard for him not to contact me but he would try.. He still would leave me notes about business issues (bills, household issues0, and then plug in personal stuff about how he loved and missed me.<P>I only responded by note to his business questions, never responded to the personal stuff. I didnt tell him I loved him or missed him or anything. He started noticing this and panicked more.. He then started paging me again. It broke my heart to hear his voice on my pager and not call him, but that is what I did. I then changed my pager number! After that he wrote me a letter telling me he was ready to come home and wanted his life back.. So he broke it off with ow and moved home..<P>He faced heavy withdrawal for a while. Because he lived with ow,, he really formed an emotional bond that was tough for him to break. Although he was home, he still was very confused. He even had setbacks and saw her a few times.. Talk about devestation to me... But this time we were better prepared.. We both knew about withdrawal and at least understood what he was going through.. We both fought threw it,,.It took about 6 months for my h to get through withdrawal.. The worst being the first 3-4 months.. It took longer because he slipped up and saw her.. The no contact is so important... but very difficult.<P>Ultimately, my h's affair did what Harleys book said most affairs do... It died a natural death.. It took several "breaking it offs" with the ow before he finally did it...<P>Its now been 1 yr. and 3 months since my h first moved home, and I am happy to say that we are in full recovery! We have had to go through a lot to get here, and there still are some things I need to get through. But we are happy and building trust again..<P>So, please do not give up if you dont want to... What you need to do is follow a plan and stick to it.... Read SAA if you havent and Private Lies.... I have learned that the more you dont chase her and take a step back, the more she will question what she is doing.. Its hard to do, but dont pressure her... And plan B may be an option for you if you cant do a plan A......<P>Good luck and best wishes.<BR>