Hi - I'm curious how many of you seperated for a while (at WS choosing) the physical part of the affair was over but the WS was "confused" and trying to get their head back together. Did your spouse ever return? Did they return fully committed? <P>What was your behavior like during the spearation. After my husband left (5th time)I gave him a Plan B letter. I am hoping he sees the light. The other times he returned home was out of a sense of responsibility and because I begged. He wasn't fully committed at all. Has this happened to anyone else?<P>Kris

Last year H left for 2 months to live with OW #1. He came back two months later. Yes, both the kids and I had asked him to come home countless times. This time I'm not going to ask him to come home. He has to have his head together before we even come close to his coming home. I right now don't see him ever coming home but things do happen. He's still really involved with OW #2 so its really not a option either.<P><p>[This message has been edited by crazy or what? (edited August 27, 2000).]

Check out posts by "Lor (lor)" in the Read Only Posts section of the Infidelity forums. She has dealt with multiple separations from her husband with all manner of different behaviors.<P>I know a couple who have experienced what you are describing. So far, they have gotten back together, fully committed, and have been doing well for a few years now.<P>(edited due to lousy punctuation!)<BR>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I><p>[This message has been edited by terri (edited August 27, 2000).]

H left shortly after starting his affair. Moved in with OW (who did not exist according to him). I made it clear that he was always welcome but didnt' beg. After about a month he started missing me, calling more often, we would go out to dinner. Then he came home afew times for a week or so at a time, then say he wasn't sure etc. The last time he pulled that I told him no more revoloving door, the next time he came home he'd better be sure. He agreed. I didn't ask him to come home. Over the next 2 months we grew much closer, lots more calls, visits, outings etc. When he came home he was READY. He'd planned a romantic getaway for us and everything. things have been great since. 5 months total separation.

If I gave him a Plan B letter (no contact) how will I do plan A behaviors or respond if he does want to talk? I truly believe he is not with OW. I think she might like that but he is confused and wants to be by himself as he stated previously to other partings. This time I am prepared to not plead but do want him to know the door is open for a true reconsiliation (it did say that in my Plan B letter)<P>Terri - how do I look up something under read only posts?<P>Kris

Quaker,<BR> H and I are seperated, he left. We have been seperated since July of last year. It was also H who initiated contact, wanting us to work things out. We are still living in seperate houses due to financial problems, but we are saving to get a place together again. Yes, he is totally committed to the marriage, even in a way that he was not before. <BR> What I did when he left was to go on with my life. I dated, I went out with my friends from work, I didn't sit around crying and moaning for him, because the way I felt at the time, he was the one who ended things, and I was not going to chase him down. If he wanted things to work, he was going to come to me, and let me know that he was interested in retrieving what was left of our marriage. I felt this was only fair, as he had been the one to leave, with no prior word. I truly felt that this would not happen, and that the marriage was over, so my actions after that time were based on that feeling.<BR> We will be getting back together after we get our financial situation straightned out.

Kris, actually we have rather recently ended our "bad times" after 7 separations, and I'm pretty sure this is a Keeper. I've been on MB since 12/98 so a lot of it was rather painfully documented, though some of those posts are gone.<P>You click on READ ONLY, then the search function, for the poster name type in Lor (Lor), or if General Questions becomes available, you can also check my H's posts as Guard.<P>Resilient also did this recent poll about people separated:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/000036.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/000036.html</A> <P>

My H and I have been separated for 11 months. He has asked to come home many, many times- the last time was just weeks ago. I wouldn't let him come home at first because I was convinced (rightfully so) that his affairs were not over. He had no desire to change, go to counseling, or see any point of view but his own. <P>I believe if his affair is still going on, it is winding down to a slow death. He is here a lot. It seems that he is here just to have somewhere to go to get away from home. He still uses terms of endearment (always has) and yesterday he asked me about having children with him! He always tries to get me in bed with him.<P>So I guess to answer your question, I think he wants to come home, but he doesn't want to change. He wants comfort and love, but he doesn't want responsibility. He wants security, but he doesn't want commitment or to give security. He wants what is easy. Being married is not easy.<P>I would put my trust into someone who is willing to do the hard stuff, be honest, go to counseling, and take responsibility for what they've done and show some remorse. For me, anything less is not enough to invest in a future with them. I think it would just spiral back around to the same disaster.

We were separated for six months. H left and signed a lease for an appt 5 minutes from OW's home. At the time of his leaving, I told him that I thought it best that we didn't have contact (Plan B). Two days later he was on my frontstep ringing the doorbell at 08:30 at night. After that he called me often at work, sometimes catching me, but most times not. I never called him, nor drove down to his appt. I don't think it was even two months and he was already talking about coming home. He told me he missed me. I asked him if he was serious about reconciling and having an "exclusive" relationship with me, and me alone. He told me, "Yes". After that, he was driving up every week to see me on his days off.<P>He has been back for three months now, & things are not going well. He still has contact with OW-- I'm not sure to what extent as he's been working six days a week and she lives 200 miles away. Once I confirmed there was still contact, I asked him to move out of the house. He refused!<P>He is currently under the care of a psychiatrist, and is being treated for depression and schizophrenia- I just learned this week. We are also seeing a marriage counselor. He seems to feel like the marriage is over, yet he cannot bring himself to end it. In one breath he says he wants me to end it and in the next breath he says a part of him doesn't want it to end. I am totally frustrated!! He cannot tell me what the problems are. <P>So, at this point, I really don't know what to do or where to turn. I don't know if OW is the problem, or just a symptom of the problem. She trashed her marriage over the affair, so I'm certain she is a very negative influence on him. He concedes that he had a distinct personality change about 2 years ago which was around the time he entered into the affair. Was the affair just a result of entering into a schizophrenic episode or has the stress of all this triggered the schizophrenia. He is in denial about the illness. The only way I know that he is being treated for it is that I looked up the drug he was prescribed last week on the internet and found it is an anti-psychotic.<P>Sorry this is so long. I have been through so much this past year that I could write a novel.

Hi, it's me.<P>We separated a couple of months after he told me about PT (his decision, not mine). He lived with her about 6 months. I maintained that I loved him, continued Plan A, but never once 1) asked him to stay when he said he wanted to leave, 2)talked of our relationship or our marriage, 3) asked him to come home. Not a single time until HE mentioned he wanted to come home. Then we waited a month or so while we talked.<P>He came home b/c of responsibility. (He had already fallen "out of love" with PT for a few months and heard a particular song on the radio 3 times in a week).Plan A during our separation and after he came home, WITH continued contact with PT (outside of work, we all know he still sees her every day there) for a while. It died. We fell in love. Things are good. There have been bumps, but things are very good.<P>And you can't show Plan A behavior in Plan B.<P>Good luck, Hon.<P>Lori<P>

Lostva - I did everything wrong then!! I begged and pleaded the first 4 times he left. I said how could you do this to us, the children, etc. He came back but it was never because he was ready it was because he spent the last 23 yeats trying to please me and still can't get out of that habit even if it's what drove him away and and made him resentfull. That's why I felt I needed Plan B - he needs to learn and see for himself. I had not lovebusted once during the times he returned home but just my wanting to reconsile was pressure to him. Even though this is so hard this is really what needs to be done. I don't know what the outcome will be. I know what I pray it will be. <P> I still want to do plan a type behaviors during plan b but it seems so hard. Especially since now I will be filing for separation. It is not meant as a LB but if we don't reconsile I will get better child support if I file before the preg. Ow does. I do have to protect my children in the long run. <P>I just hope he comes to his senses.<P> Kris<p>[This message has been edited by quakermom321 (edited August 28, 2000).]