Is there any sort of sign to let you know when you've made the right decision? How do you know what person you are meant spend the rest of your life with. Most will say the person you married...you've made a commitment. That is true...but how can you continue in a marriage when your heart just isn't there. Is it fair to anybody?<P>I'm at a confusing point in my marriage...I don't really know what is supposed to be normal anymore. I had so many tremendous, wonderful feelings while I was with my OM that I think that is what I should have in my marriage. How do you know if it's meant to be? Why am I desperately searching for these feelings with my H...why can't I just be satisfied with what I have?

Don't put so much pressure on yourself. Take some time to yourself, away from both of them. Do some serious soul-searching. Make a list if you have to. You will know in your heart and soul when you make the right decision.<P>------------------<BR>Give to the world the best you have, and the best will come back to you.<BR>* Viki

It is not fair to anybody if you just stay in a marriage but do not do give it your best.<P>It may be to early to trust your feelings, but if you continue to do what is right, and think what is right, then your marriage may start turning around for you.<P>It depends on how you feel about your commitment. Was it just to your H? If I had an affair I would feel like I had betrayed myself and of course God just as much as I had betrayed my H. <P>You may not feel the same way. Most of society does not.<P>There are different types of love in marriage. Some are a choice, some can be developed or nurtured through action. It is all work in the long term.<P>You can choose to take the actions and think the thoughts...or not. <P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Holly, I dont know your story, so can only reply from what you have said here.<BR>You married your H for a reason, and if you want it to work, you need to find that again.<BR>The feelings were there when you married him, they may come back. I think it takes thinking about the OM less and less, and focus your thoughts on the H. And possibly, one day you will realize that you are thinking about the Om less than before and starting to feel more for your husband.<BR>When people fall in love with someone new, it is such a high, that you never want to go without this high again. But we all know that that high never lasts, that the passion fades with time and that it takes work to keep those feelings alive. Work from both involved.<BR>Fantasy turns into reality, even when we want to keep the fantasy alive.

Holly, <P>I feel the same way you do. I had such tremendous feelings with OM, feelings that I never had with H, that now the marriage seems so blah and unfulfilling in comparison. It has been more than a year since the affair ended, and I still find myself comparing. I want it to work with H so much, but sometimes I think "love came so naturally with OM, why should I have to try and love H? it shouldn't be work". But then I read all these wonderful posts on this site and get motivated to keep working. It's a cycle that can change, for me, day to day.<P>I posted a question about a marriage that feels more like brother and sister than husband and wife. I'm still looking for advice on what to do when your marriage feels that way. I wonder if you feel the same way in your marriage.

Tamis...<BR>I do feel more like a brother/sister relationship in my marriage. I haven't really been physically attracted to my H in the past year. It's been especially difficult since the affair. Just recently we've been "experimenting" with our love life. It seemed as if things were going good and I was really enjoying myself...however it still seems more like work to me than something natural.<P>I don't know how to feel like "lovers" again...but, then again, is that absolutely necessary. It would be nice to feel that way, but maybe we're just putting too much emphasis on that.

I'm with you, as usual, Holly. I want the hot, passionate, overwhelming feeling that came with the OM. My H is trying to provide it, but I can't seem to give it back. I am reminded of the movie "Pretty Woman". She will sleep with men, but not kiss them unless it's the real thing. I feel like that with my H. I can give him what he needs physically, but not emotionally. I'm really trying, and it hurts me to hurt him. But I just can't seem to find the feelings to back up the physical. I want to find the "heart in marriage" too... boy, if one of us can just figure out how to do it!

I am going to keep this very brief because I don't have much advice to offer. I just want to tell you that you are not alone in your feelings. I share your questions, pains, concerns, frustrations, and I too wonder when or if the feelings will ever be there.<BR>Best wishes,<BR>FC

For what it's worth, I'm in the same boat with you ladies...<P>Here's a non-sequiter thought about this thread -- do you realize how upset your spouses would be if they read this? It's pretty devastating to the betrayed to have to know that their spouse is so not "in-love" with them. Hurts a bunch.<P>My wife has been checking out the forum and has read many of my previous posts dealing with this subject matter and it has been hurtful... <P>--airheart

Airhart,<BR>I agree. And my H knows how I feel. It hurts him but he says he prefers that I tell him than pick up the phone and call OM, and start the whole thing over. It think, that in small doses, it is good for partners to be honest - even when it hurts.<BR>Just my opinion<BR>FC

Hey airheart, <P>I agree too. My H has also read some of my threads and responses. He's glad I come here instead of giving into feelings, but it's just gonna take time for healing. I have to accept that. I will say this though: I am feeling a kind of love for my H that I thought was honestly dead in the water. Is it love? Yes it is!! Now, THAT makes me feel good!

Airheart, <P>It would hurt my h terribly to read some of my posts. He does know how I feel about the physical attraction and my lack of "in-love" feelings for him. <P>He actually feels the same way I do. He's still physically attracted to me, but we had a conversation about "love" vs. "in-love" and he admitted that he basically just loves me. He's perfectly happy with just loving me however. I really don't have a problem with that...I only wish I could be happy with just "love."

facing choices- yeah, it's important to be honest, and my wife knows how I feel as well, but when she reads my posts on the board, the way I express myself comes off sounding ALOT more desperate and weak than when I admit my feelings to her in person. She hates that I am so desperate and especially that I am so weak.<P>It's basically a balancing act. I want to convey my feelings but I don't want to hurt her any more than I have to.<P>Also, I've been dishonest about ALOT of things in our marriage, and they've been coming out over the last week or so, and it's been extremely painful for my wife. Last night I spilled my guts about everything, and I mean EVERYTHING. I don't think our marriage will survive that amount of stuff I've been keeping secret.<P>I guess the part about honesty is sticking to me right now. Holly -- you've contacted the OM at least once in the last few days, correct? Did you tell your husband? I'll bet not. That's just yet ANOTHER secret that you are keeping. I understand why you are keeping it, but it's there. Just one more thing your husband doesn't know. And if he finds out about this message board and starts reading the posts, you'll be in an awfully uncomfortable situation... And I'm making NO judgements here at all. I am strictly speaking from experience. Mr. Grade-A hypocrite! <P>--airheart

Hello holly....please get in touch with me ok i have been reading a lot of your letters and u and i r in so much of a smae situation here maybe we can help one another.I have icq if u want to icq me its 23012047.....or e-mail me at chatwithu35@hotmail.com Thanx looking forward to hearing from you,i still don't know what to do.........~JANICE......;-)

airheart, and that's the truth of it, isn't it? I feel the same way when my H reads the posts. He'll call me at work and ask me if OM is bothering me. The OM isn't bothering me, but he makes himself known, let's just put it that way. I'm taking care of it, and for the most part am successful in keeping OM away from any personal conversations or those "looks" he can give me (I ignore if he does it). I tell my H no, OM is not bothering, because I don't want H to come down here and get himself thrown in jail. He'd be happy to have ANY reason to punch OM's lights out. <P>So... I come to this board (probably more than I care to admit) to vent, to read, to find some hope. Do I want my H to read everything I've written. Good grief, no! Because I'm trying to work things out in my head and process everything. Then I can say what I think. Why spew every icky thought at my H?? If the end result is that I love my H and want to work it out, why do I have to say how I got there?

Holly and tamis, I am curious how long you have been back and attempting with your husbands? My wife just moved out last week (for easier access to OM) and she has jumped right into that relationship. I am working on Plan A right now, but I am concerned long term about when and if? she ever wants to reconcile down the road how hard she may want to try since it won't feel natural. I know I may have to go to plan B eventually until the affair ends (if?). But in your situations have you both made a COMPLETE separation from the OM? The books by Dr. Harley talk about any contact with the OP putting any reconciliation back to ground zero, and both partners have to work hard at all aspects of the 4 rules of recovery/marriage. I know my wife may never choose to reconcile even after affair ends, but I am choosing to be ready and to have a plan we can both follow.

Holly and Tamis,<P>Have you chatted with "New Woman" in our forum yet? She's been exactly in your place and she's now a success story.<P>Have you already spoken at length with her about her triumph? Yes or no?<BR>

Ladies, I can't help but comment. I guess I am and "old-timer" by now, been here for 6 months. Been through this from the other side, put through it every which way. One thing that I have learned is that you and I have a common solution. Work on yourself. Let go. <P>One thing I find interesting about my W and some of these comments, is that while the talk is centered around "working on myself and what's best for me", the reality is that the "hapiness" is related to what is given. Comparing the OM with the H. What each one offers. This is not working on yourself.<P>I am convinced that this process serves a much bigger purpose. Once I let go of trying to decide, to trying to figure out, I have begun to find happiness. Alone. Yes, I have times that I am more than just alone, I get lonely. At these times I gain strength. You never realize it till it passes. It is in these times that I have taken a step back to see that "the" world does not spin around "my" world. <P>In common, we have shared the obsession with "our" happiness. I do backslide sometimes and start trying to make things happen, on all fronts of my life. I am often tempted to find someone to bury or hide my soul in. As it turns out, usually these are people are looking for the same thing. What you get is two self-focused people, expecting their hapiness from the other. Guess what? This a recipe for UNhappiness. We won't find it. It's what I did in my marriage, what my W still does. <P>I kept looking everywhere, trying to do things to please her, so I could get what I needed in return. When we determine that we're not getting what we should, we decide we'll look elsewhere. We never find it. We blame, resent. It's in here (pointing to my heart and head ). When I used to read stuff like this, it would depress me; why? My whole life, wasted? Doing it wrong? No, it took this path to get happy. I learned that looking, blaming everything else kept me from focusing on what really needed work... me.<P>If you think that once you've made your "decision", there will be no more confusion, hurt or unhapiness, you are dead wrong. Instead, I have seen that it gets worse. Why? In my opinion, that's because we think we are making a choice for ourselves that will make for less pain. Makes sense, who wants to hurt? Who wants to look that deeply inside themselves? Too much work! If we decide against our commitments, we then have to really look at who we are. Promises and trust are foundations of how we see ourselves. If we sacrifice them, we are left with how to justify who we are. If you need to justify, then you don't know who you are yet. Me? I just am. No, I am not really euphoric at this time in my life, but am at peace. <P>I have learned that if I don't take this opportunity to realize this now, I will do something, or have something happen in the future that will force it. Looking back at my past, I see other such points in my life where I could have taken advantage of this. Didn't have the stomach, maturity, for it then. I do now. <P>What is the gifts we are given? Wisdom and grace. Yes I am betrayed in my marriage. In my life I will be betrayed again, as much as I try to control how people will treat me, the events, it WILL happen. Hopefully, not in another marriage, but there are many ways people/life will fail me in this respect. I don't walk around expecting it, but it doesn't matter if they do. It may not be a crisis in your relationship. It may be a death, loss of a job, a fire. Something will break you, make you look. As long as I don't betray myself, it is hapiness I will find. That is work. <P>That's my spin,<BR>Eric32

izzy-<BR>I only left my H for 2 days (went to a hotel), OM was miles away. Then I went back to my H because OM told me to wait (there's <BR>a lot I've left out that I will explain if you want me to). At this point I wasn't putting any real effort into my marriage...I still wanted the OM, but couldn't have him. Little by little I'm realizing that the OM is a fantasy that will never happen, so as selfish as it sounds, I am now putting more effort into the marriage...4 months later. I haven't seen the OM in 4 months (he lives in another state)...only spoke to him on the phone. I am trying to have zero contact with him.<P>It's frustrating, after ending an affair, to accept that the feelings just aren't there with your spouse anymore. It's difficult to "work" at it when so recently you had something so natural. Your wife has to realize that what comes natural in an affair will soon grow old and that will become work as well. I never had a chance for the affair to grow old...that's what made it so difficult to let go. Maybe you could turn your wife onto this site...she may be confused as I was.<P>Cuckold - <BR>I'm sure I've spoken to New Woman at some point...I would be interested in her story, I will look for her postings. Thanks!<P>Eric32 - <BR>Happiness is my main goal at this point...I just have to look further than my marriage to get it. At the time of the affair I was going through a big move (left my friends and family) which meant finding a new job and new friends. So, its confusing to me as to what was really making me unhappy...was it the move, the affair, the new job, the loss of friends? I'm sure it was all of them rolled into one.<P>It was my H who wanted to make the move in the first place...so maybe in some sick sort of way I was blaming him for my unhappiness. I think if I concentrate less on the OM making me happy and more on making myself and my H happy I will have an easier time getting through this. It's so confusing...I could go on for hours!

Izzy,<P>Did your wife leave you and children, or is it just you? How long was the affair going on before she decided to leave you? <BR>My affair was such a long story. The OM and I tried probably over 25 times to 'end' it (over the course of 7 years) to work on our marriages. But, never had our hearts in it because we continued to work together and tried to remain friends. We would be 'good' for a few months, and end up going back to one another over and over again. It was a crutch that we thought at the time was the best love of our lives. I know better now. <BR>I had confessed the affair to my H about 4 years ago and promised it was over, but still continued these relapses up until a year ago. At that time I just decided that for the children at least it was worth a serious try, and we moved away from the OM. I have had a few contacts with him since we moved, like short phone calls from him to tell me he missed me blah blah blah, but after reading this forum I know that even those short little phone calls set me back months. <BR>Now it has been 8 months since any contact, and I am finally able to see things with a clear view. It was so distorted by him before. 8 months later, I am finally starting to feel like I am staying for my H and not just for the kids and because it is the right thing to do. It took me this long, with no contact with the OM, to get to this point. <BR>I hope it doesn't take your W that long, but maybe because she moved out so soon to have time with OM, it will die out just as quickly and she will see the affair for what it really is. I hope so for your sake. You are a good man by coming here and making a plan to be there for her when she comes to her senses.<P>Cuckold,<P>No, I still haven't contacted New Woman. I know I should, because a couple of days lately I've been looking at H and thinking that he'll never learn to communicate with me and that he still doesn't even know what my real needs are- even though I tell him outright, he does the opposite of what I need. I know that NW's H did learn and I want that so much.<P>Holly,<P>Eventually you will get this OM out of your head! I promise! I realized the other day there were a couple of different times during the affair that the OM and I would do or say something that withdrew love units from the other. During those times, my love for him or his love for me would drop so quickly! For example, he had applied for a job and I assured him that he was so smart, etc.. he deserved that job over everyone on the panel. Deposited lots of love units there. BUT when someone else that we were friends with got the job over him, I told OM that i was happy for the other friend and that I thought that other friend would be great at the job. Well, this really hurt the OM a lot and he was really kind of mad about it. See how when we are not constantly depositing love-units, the love can just diminish like the wind. Not true love in reality. I didn't see those things then.