I've been struggling with setting boundaries for my H, who has been having an A since Jan (discovery in April). I feel like I am just allowing the A to go on, and he's having the best of both worlds, so why would he stop?<P>Problem is, if I ask him to make his decision, he'll say that I forced him and he'll leave. <P>What have some of you done in this situation? I'm not ready to throw in the towel and have him move in with OW.....

Hurtinginil,<P>I am not sure this will help you but this is what I have been doing with some success.<P>Tony is like a little kid. His Mom has done everything for him and he is having such a time realizing that real world does not allow everyone to do what they want when the want.<P>I have set massive boundries on a lot of things. I have been treating it like raising a child or training a pet. I let him know what the boundries are and then what will happen when the boundries are crossed. I have also given Tony time frames. If something has not occured or changed by such a time then this would happen. <P>Tony is by nature very selfish. I have to point it out on a daily basis and it gets old. It also gets old putting up with all the abuse. You deserve more. Let him know that as he keeps this up he is loosing you.<P>Plan A is about showing the love not being a door mat. You can let him know how you feel and set boundries. <P>One advice I would give is always follow through. I did not follow through in the beginning and he would ignore all the other times I tried to hold my boundires.

It's very tough for the boundries to not seem like an ultimatum. If you are doing Plan A, you should have a certain time frame. He may or may not need to know what that time frame is. I think it says somewhere in the book that 6 months is good. Don't quote me on that. Then you let him know that if the A isn't ended at that point, you will go to Plan B. If he tells you that it's your fault that he is moving out, while he is still continuing A, then he is lying. Your not forcing him to do anything. You are trying to have a decent honest life and with his lies in it, you can't.<P>Fortunatley for me, i never got to Plan B. I did tell him though, that I could not and would not live with any more lies. I needed honesty in my life. I have that now but it sure wasn't pleasant getting here. Keep doing your plan A for a reasonable amount of time and then Plan B if you have to. My H read His Needs/Her Needs and the lightbulb went off for him. See if your husband will read that. It very clearly states why people have affairs. It may have an impact on him down the road.<P>I hope that helps a little.

Well I have to say with my personality, once I discovered the affair I told my H to leave (at the time I was told it was just EA). Deep down I knew differently. When H called and wanted me to reconcile I told him, get rid of her. I want to see you tell her it's over and you tell her what I mean to you. He did, by e-mail. I would have perferred a call. I could have seen the truth in his eyes. <P>I could never knowingly allow an affair to continue while sharing a bed with my H. For me it would have to be Plan B until I knew it was over between them. You can always Plan A during this time but I'd prefer to "know" my H wasn't coming home at night than to sit and wonder, where he is, what their doing, when he's getting home, etc. It's closure for me. Acceptance that it's over. So I can live my life again. The wondering is torturous and I would not do that to myself or allow my D to watch her mother like that. Pacing the house, my entire body shaking, heart racing, tears, so on and so on.<P>I don't know that I'd ever suggest Plan A to someone during an A without Plan B. My H had unprotected sex with someone he barely knew. He put my life on the line. If he continued to do so I'd only be comitting suicide. I can't share myself with someone who cared so little for my life. Someone I thought would die for me.<P>I hope this helps a little. It's a little choppy as I'm emotional this morning. Mondays are hardest. I'll be thinking of you. Take care of yourself.<P>------------------<BR>Lost Soulmate<P>"Character is doing what's right, when no one is looking"

HIN, I understand your dilemma regarding setting boundaries. My H moved out in Feb. Big MLC questioning everything. Denied affair though I knew more from OP';s H..was EA, now PA.<P>I set boundaries and he got off the fence and finally admitted the affair and now proclaims his love for her and says he is not coming back.<P>For me, it was my big wakeup call. Now everybodies situation is different. I do believe that affairs are about unmet needs, but the people that choose to have an affair have their own issues... just the same, we have a responsibility for the demise of the marraige.<P>My wake up call, is that plan A is about me. Actually I now believe the MLC thing is about me also. This is my journey as well, and hopefully I will become a grow, become more enlightened and still smell the flowers along the way....<P>It took me quite awhile to get that plan A is about me, not just trying to please my H.<P>I can't remember you're whole situation. Does you H know you know? Have you discussed your relationship???<P>I think a good start with boundaries are to know your own!!! Learn about yourself, look at your weaknesses within yourself and your marraige and work on them.... And offer unconditional love.... I think that is Plan A.... Search some of Sheba's posts. She's really got it!!!!