Hi everyone. I'll introduce myself by way of telling my story. My question is basically the topic.<P>My wife and I have been together 10 years, married 7. I have a 15 year old son, we have a 5 year old daughter together. Looking back, things started going wrong shortly after our daughter was born but it took 3 years for withdrawal to set in. Last winter, I woke up, suspecting an A and getting a denial I figured out things were headed way wrong and started to clean up my act by trying to meet her ENs and trying to keep my taker in his box. We started counseling and things seemsed to be improving when she mentioned having feelings for someone who I immediately knew who it was. It hurt so bad and faced with the all too real possibility of losing her, I stepped up my efforts. The details I obtained were that she had feelings for him but never expressed them to him and he was totally clueless about them. I tend to believe this but can't be totally sure. She says she's totally over it. She has had to keep contact with him and soon won't be forced to but has expressed an interest in the four of us developing a friendship.(That'll be real easy for me! Yeah right!) After finding this site I've gotten lots of good advice, We've taken the EN survey and I seem to be meeting all of hers and she is starting to meet some of mine. Am I setting myself up for trouble if I don't get a complete separation? I fear our progress will be set back significantly if I ask for it.<P>

Half an EA, Huh? I'd laugh, except it sounds familiar. My H had a one-sided obsession with a co-worker, and went thru serious withdrawal when they separated, despite the one-sided nature. They no longer work together, and he feels badly that his "crush" on her ruined any chances they had of stayong friends. But, neither of us feel like it would be a good idea...<P>I'd say if it makes you uncomfortable, you've got good reason to ask her to respect that. <P>Good luck--<P>Kathi

This smells like trouble. It may not be an A yet, but it could potentially go that way if they're around each other a lot. The good thing is that she admitted her feelings about this man to you before things have gone any further. A lot of people have to find out the news when the damage has been done. The fact that she opened up to you about this shows me that she sees the effort that you are making, and subsequently, trusts your reaction to this news. <P>Continue to meet her needs. Do let her know that you appreciate her telling you about her feelings for this OM, and that you want to return that honesty and let her know that you are uncomfortable with them maintaining a friendship. Don't LB, don't give her an ultimatum, just make sure that she knows how you feel...and continue being a wonderful husband. If this started after your D was born, it *could* be a form of postpartum depression. Let her know what a wonderful mother she is, and how proud you are of her.<P>It also might help to do something to help reignite the passion in the marriage (if that's a high EN for her that has been unfulfilled, that could be the reason for this crush). I highly recommend Mars & Venus in the Bedroom by John Gray. <P>Best of luck to you!

<BR>Hi ecurb1,<P>[QUOTE]Originally posted by ecurb1:<BR><B>Last winter, I woke up, suspecting an A</B><P>Welcome to the forum. You will find a lot of people here who have been through affairs. I have not, but I am hoping to recover my W from withdrawal, and I am in counseling with Steve Harley and familiar with the material.<P>So, having set the table that I have not been through an affair, I have to tell you that I have been active here for a long time, and nearly every time there is the sort of smoke expressed above in bold, there was fire. Obviously, it is a sensitive subject, and a lot of people post here with recovery questions and say "my W had an emotional affair, but it never got physical" and I just let it go. Personally, I think emotional affairs that leave lasting damage are as common as unicorn. I'd normally let this one go, but it is central to your question.<P>You say you had suspicions....why? Did you suspect this guy even back then?<P>On the face of it, affair or not, your question seems to be this: <P>Your recovering wife admits that she has/had a "thing" for a certain man and now would like to spend more time around him?<P>Sunrise, death and taxes are the only things more sure than the correct answer to this one, my friend. <P>You said she "has" to keep contact with him? Why? Work? And that is ending? I'd count my blessings, and let the separation happen. <P>Sure, she might be depressed at your insistence that she not see that guy. You know what? You'll be able to measure the wisdom of your decision by the amount of pain it causes her.<P>And then she'll get over it, finally, and you two will have a stronger marriage.<P>God bless,<P>Mike<P>

Thank you all. (I answer Mike C2's questions below.) I guessed what you would say and yet I guess everyone feels their case is the one that doesn't follow the rule. Because he apparently doesn't know, because plan A appears to be working, because I have given her many opportunities to come forward with more details in a safe environment and she swears it's all out in the open, because she willingly confessed to the feelings after I started to meet her ENs, because I've had to meet him and talk with her about him and he seems to be nice and alot like me, and because I want so much to believe there was/is nothing more to it, I was hoping my case would be different.<P><BR>Questions are quoted from Mike C2's post ( Ihaven't figured out how to bold it yet)<BR>Mike C2:[You say you had suspicions....why? Did you suspect this guy even back then?]<P>I picked up on her transition from conflict to withdrawal at the same time she started telling me how much she liked her (then new) job and a particular person there. At that time I tried to bring her back to conflict since I didn't know what else to do. <P><BR>Mike C2:[ You said she "has" to keep contact with him? Why? Work? And that is ending? I'd count my blessings, and let the separation happen.] <P>It was work related and it is ending although the new position will give her the option of making contact through work if she desires or of avoiding contact if she desires.<P>I put her off when she suggested establishing contact as couples. If I keep on with Plan A, she may never bring it up again. If she does, at this point I'm ready to make my request that it not happen. I am not ready to make a pre-emptive request although I think the consensus is that I should.