I have been posting here before, but under another username. I had to change because I think I saw familiar story from OW view.<P>We are going to 2nd counseling session today and discovered that H and OW are seeing each other again!!! I am so heart broken I don't know how it happened. H told me they both agreed that it couldn't work between them and would remain friends. Yesterday, I questioned him about some inconsistent behavior and he admitted they decided to date each other again, but told her that he just can't put behind over 20 years with me. He says he has told her that he isn't committed to her or me at this time. She understands, but is willing to wait for him to figure things out.<P>I asked him where that left us. He said he still wants to go to counseling. I can't imagine how counseling can help us at this point when he has energies divided! This is all new and will be brought up at our session today.<P>I can't figure this OW out, where is her self-respect and sisterhood? She told H that she is dating 2 other men, but really wants him. He told her that's her choice and would be happy for her if one of them turned out to be something wonderful for her. Her trick didn't work, what next from her I wonder? I feel like a babe in the woods against a wolf. She cheated in her 1st marriage and cheated on her then boyfriend when she got involved with my H. Where's his head, doesn't he see her character flaws?<P>Anyone out there been in a similar situation with regad to counseling? How did counseling work out? As long as he is still willing to go, I guess I should be happy about it.

Many tears, I am so sorry. I think my H was in similar state, although, too possessed and unable to discuss anything with me. But I do think he was confused re: ow and me.<P>We tried counseling once. But I felt manipulated. We had a nice conversation on the way, then when he sat down he crossed his arms, got into his possessed voice and said "I see us heading for divorce and I want to talk civilly"...he said "everything she says bugs me."...We left and he said "hey, want to go to dinner" where we had a great time.<P>I worry about joint counseling when they are in la la land. <P>However, your H seems willing to try to work things out. My H wasn't SEEING or HEARING me at all. I could have been a stranger.<P>I would make a suggestion though re": counseling during an affair. Have you thought of doing phone counseling with Stever or Jennifer Harley???<P>I have always wanted my H to do that. I can't even bring it up. He thinks he knows whats going on, despite the rest of the world thinking he is temporarily insane.<P>I have done individual counseling with Steve Harley and have found him to be extremely helpful in helping you understand what's going on and to help you formulate a plan.<P>In the case of an ongoing affair, I think thats the way I would go!!!<P>The counselor my H and I went to said he actually wouldn't counsel us with an affair going on. He was more of a tough love kind of guy...told me to get my H off the fence, which I did and he jumped to op's side!!!<P>So, I would very carefully look for a counselor and interview them first and explaing the situation and ask their views on affairs and if they have ever read any of the Harley's material!!! Good LUck

Too Trusting,<P>Thank you for writing. I have been going to a counselor by myself from D-day. H went with me one time before I asked him point blank about affair. He didn't deny it. At that session he basically told the counselor he wasn't interested in working on the relationship. He moved out into his own apartment. <P>It's been 4 months, and we didn't see or speak to each for the first month and a half. He contacted me to talk, and so we talked and have been doing things together. He was the one that brought up counseling, but just to see where it goes and if it will help.<P>It's a start I guess, huh. My counselor is aware of the story and is willing to work with us. <P>You're so right about WS having their own realities, and being difficulty seeing anything except their own existence. So many excuses and reasons, he has me questioning my sanity. Exhausting!<P>Thanks again, Many Tears<BR>

Hi there,<BR>My H is (possibly still having) an affair but is seeing a councillor,he hasn't told me much about what goes on there,but from the sound of it he is finding this difficult to deal with,he has told them about us,it was them that advised him to reply to my letter,which he is trying to do.i see this as a very good sign,regardless of whether OW is still on the scene,they know i want to work on our marriage,hopefully they'll help him to make that decision too.at least if your H is willing to talk to someone to me it shows he needs help and isn't just happy to be with OW so there is still a chance.my H was married prev and never saw anybody then,he still hasn't got over that really even now,and they got divorced about 8 yrs ago !<BR>maybe later you can suggest joint councilling ?

Hi Dizzy,<P>Thanks for writing. You're right, I am grateful that he is willing to go to counseling. We are actually in joint counseling now; today is our 2nd session.<P>I should view his willingness to go as a positive sign. Also, his response to the OW (about her dating other men) as another good sign, don't you think?<P>I hope things work out for you and your husband. All of this is so difficult isn't it?<P>Many Tears

MT-<P>That is scary about seeing something familiar here in reguard to OW. If I thought OP was on, I would never be able to be so open and free with the words. I also know my H will not look at it either, though I have invited him to, and mention it every day as paart of my support.<P>About the counselling. I think a combination of both individual and couple counselling. We do one week alone(seperate) and the next week we go together. It is hard because you usually have a lot to express to your S after your own session. We have not gotten to the talking stage(hardly.) I find out the most crushing things at the couple session. I stay depressed for days! But we each have a lot of deep seeded problems or perceptions that go deep--for both of us. We need to work those out as well as our problems with each other. <P>We need to find out what changed and when so we can get back to that feeling. Of course it would help if he would let her go, but he is in love and she is not listening to the no-contact idea. She calls whenever she pleases! But I will give her credit it is only when she needs em. support(which of course makes him care all the more.) It devistates my H every time. <P>He is affraid to let her go and if he says specifically that she is not to call, then she will end it. He loves her, not me, so this is very hard for him. I will change his mind though! If only I could nip her calls in the bud! <P>

Burned Spouse,<P>We had our 2nd counseling last night, it was very difficult for him. Verbalizing his feelings is very difficult. From session to session, he takes a few days to decide if he wants to continue counseling. I wish he would commit to all of it, so we can both have peace of mind.<P>Last night he was so angry, his body language, tone, and mannerisms told me a lot. He kept it under control though, and as it turns out it was a misunderstanding. But, it wasn't the same, he was still upset and frustrated when we went to dinner. <P>This whole ordeal is so difficult. Sometimes, I feel like chucking the whole thing! But, I love him so much and he shared there's a part of him that is still in love with me. I want him to allow that part to grow and to allow me to nurture it.<P>This morning, I was considering continuation of my individual counseling as well as joint counseling. I think he might benefit from going on his own, too. I'll see if he wants to do that. Money is a factor though, so I do't know if he will.<P>We too are trying to figure out what went wrong and how things changed. He wants to be 100% in love, he has doubts that we can make it. While he is seeing OW, he told me he doesn't love her and not in love with her. She also dates 2 other men, but has expressed that she really wants my H. He encourages her to date others and it doesn't really bother him that she dates. <P>I keep asking him if he wants to be in love with me and he answers with "that's a loaded question." How is that loaded? Anyway, agreed to counseling hoping to help me heal and to see if this process can help him.<P>Thanks for writing and hope things are better for you!<P>

MT-<P>I still think joint couselling is important, especially at first. I know $ is a factor, I am embarrassed to say I took a loan from my mom to pay for ours. <P>Asking if he wants to be in love with you is a loaded question. It is so complicated with his feelings of guilt, and EN that he is fulfilling with the OW(even though he doesn't love her). he has betrayed you and himself, really. He wants to be in love yes, he is not sure he knows how anymore, he is not sure is deserves your love, he doesn't want to let you down further, so he cannot decide on this point. Don't push it.<P>Patience and loving and acceptance of him with all his faults, and taking credit for your own faults that contributed to this situation. <P>Yes, you did have something to do with it. If you were fulfilling all of his needs, he would be happy and content and IN LOVE with you. That is what I have to make myself see, too. It is the hardest thing to swallow because you are the injured one. It can be achieved. I carry that hope with me every day.<P>Peace.

Burned Spouse,<P>I do take full responsibility for my part in this even though he constantly tells me it's not me, but it's him. He tells me that I am a very loving person, and he feels badly that he cannot reciprocate. <P>He doesn't understand why he cannot take the love he has for me to the next level. When he entered the A with OW, he thought he felt "in love," but discovered he wasn't and couldn't take it to the being "in love" level. They broke it off and then she decided she was willing to stick around to see if it can work between them. I guess she is hopeful.<P>Thanks for answering "loaded question" thing. I asked him to explain, and he couldn't. I hope how you explained it is what he means as well. You're right, he doesn't want to let me down again because he is afraid to try and doesn't want to fail.<P>Thanks for pointing out not to push. I don't understand so many things about what he is feeling and thinking, I often have to guess because he can't put them into words.<P>Your advice has helped!