I've been lurking for months, have recently jumped in with my 2 cents worth on a few threads, but I guess it's time to introduce myself.<P>When we got married 25 years ago, I was shocked and hurt to discover that my husband intended to keep to himself most of the time, and that HE would control when and for what purpose I could get his attention. <P>For months I begged and pleaded, until he blew up and told me he had a right to be left alone. It took a while, but eventually I busied myself with other things. He wanted an independent wife, that's what I became. He didn't want to be responsible for day-to-day details. He supplied the paycheck, and I was free to do whatever I thought was best for our family (2 kids, grown now).<P>A few years ago, he piled up a bunch of stuff in the house. I have never been allowed to dispose of his stuff, and mess doesn't bother him. When I realized that I had started to avoid going home because of it, I told him he was going to clear it out or I was moving. He recognized that I was not making an idle threat, I really WAS ready to leave, so he complied, but he punished me by hardly speaking to me (and not civilly when he did) for the 3 months it took.<P>We've never recovered. After about 6 months I told him I didn't love him anymore. He replied, "It's just a bad mood, you'll get over it." I didn't.<P>Now I'm violating everything I believe in with a man I'm really not in love with, but who makes me feel desirable and appreciated in a way my husband rarely has. I do care for the man, but I really think I could walk away from the relationship if we didn't work so closely together. There's no future in it.<P>My husband has recently decided our marriage is worth working for. He doesn't know about OM, but has some suspicions. Mostly, I think, he's just concerned that I might leave (I'm an engineer, I could support myself). He HAS been more pleasant lately. But his standard M.O. is to promise whatever he thinks I want, then do what he likes. I don't trust him to do what he says, and I honestly don't want to set myself up for another fall. <P>So that's the box I've gotten myself into. Is there any way out?<BR>

Welcome <B>smidgen</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>It isn't easy being the wayward spouse(WS)...<P>Especially since your H doesn't know about the affair...<BR>...you feel like you are in the drivers seat...<BR>...believe me...<BR>...it's a temporary feeling!<P>I would recommend that you have a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> (~$95US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A> (888-639-1639)!<P>But before you make grandiose plans...<BR>...consider being honest with your H.<BR>Don't look down the road toward a divorce...<BR>...and say... "I'll be OK"!<BR>...that's a flase road.<P>Decide to break it off with your OM...<BR>...do it now...<BR>...do it quickly...<BR>...make it a permanent separation!<P>...start on Plan A...<BR>...and then be honest with yourself and your H.<P>For yourself first...check out <A HREF="http://www.divorcebusting.com/forumlinks4.html" TARGET=_blank>Forgiveness is a Gift You Give Yourself</A>...<BR>...and then... if needed... make sure your H also sees that site!<P>Prayers for you and your H.<P> <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited August 29, 2000).]

I feel bad for you--I really know where you are coming from. When I started reading your thread, I thought that of course, it would lead into you telling how HE was the one who is unfaithful, as he demands freedom and privacy from you. I can totally see where you reached the end of your rope and reached out in desperation,<P>You are lonely, and feel that you can't express yourself to the very person to whom you SHOULD be the closest. I can probably figure that you have tried really hard in the past to tell him how you feel to no avail. I can't see that you have had much choice but to make yourself happy and try to find the intimacy that you crave and deserve.<P>But I am sure that it is not too late--25 years is a very long time to be living this way, but it is never too late to turn things around.<P>His Needs, Her Needs is a book that you should look at, even by yourself. It will help you define what it is that you need from your spouse to be happy in marriage--what to ask for from him.<P>Love Busters is a good book, too. I know that an annoying habit, such as messiness as you describe, is something that can drive you insane and ruin your marriage over time. (My husband is an absolute slob. I am obsessively clean. Until the affair that he had, this was my only "real" grievence that I had with him, but it was enough to start plenty of love busting fights.) Love Busters can teach you how to negotiate appropriate behaviors in marriage so that you are both happy.<P>Another book that is good is Relationship Rescue by Dr Phil McGraw. It talks about reconnecting to your partner by taking a good hard look at yourself.<P>It would be great, since your husband has shown interest in fixing things for the two of you, if he would read these books, too.<P>As far as your affair, I think that you are in control of the situation there. Wrong never makes right, but you realize that you are wrong, which is more than many of the people that commit adultery will admit to. I think that you stand a good chance of turning your life around, and your marriage, too. <P>Keep us posted. This is a good place to learn about people and how they work.

In the driver's seat? On a tightrope is more like it...<P>Bernzini, thank you for your kind response. Sympathy is the last thing I expect from anybody on this subject.<P>But I don't want to create the impression that I've been miserable for 25 years. Although my kids were my primary support system for a lot of that time, there were brief periods when my husband felt needy and turned to me. Those times were great, but they ended abruptly when the crisis was over. We just don't connect anymore.<P>We have His Needs, Her Needs and Love Busters. I found LB in our church bookstore near the end of our 3-month "cold war" and recommended it to my husband. He said later that it was overwhelming to recognize himself in every chapter, but at the time all he did was read passages aloud to make fun of them.<P>HNHN was recommended to my H later by a woman he worked with. He made a list of "women's needs" and posted it on his computer screen, but it hasn't made much difference. His idea of showing affection is to grab me and give me a hug. I don't want to be grabbed by somebody I can't even talk to. <P><BR>