Okay, here's a little back ground info first..I was SA as a child and am dealing w/ these issues now..I have dealt with some of them prior but never dealt w/ the core issues<BR>always ran from the pain and hurt of dealing w/ this (ie, drinking..relationship to relationship) looking for something I didn't feel inside myself..I am now dealing w/ these<BR>issues..and it's effecting my marriage..<BR> I never expected a man to treat me w/ respect..because they never have..it's the type of men I was drawn too..and I know this..you go to what you know staying in that<BR>comfort zone so to speak..someone treats you<BR>different than what your used to then you RUN!! (if your used to healthy loving relationships you run from abusive ones..if your used to abusive you RUN from healthy ones) before h and I were married he would<BR>read my journals, read letters to and from my friends, went through all my things..we weren't engaged..barely knew each other..very jealous..I told him a couple of times I didn't want to see him anymore..and he would cry and make me feel guilty..saying how much<BR>he loved me and wanted me and needed me..and whatever..I was just loosing him he was loosing me and my daughter..(not his) and I felt horrible for hurting him like this..and would take him back. I lost many friends because of his jealousy of them..he had a few <BR>people he did things w/ when we met..after<BR>a year of our being together he quit doing anything w/ anyone..I still wanted to do things w/ my friends..but he would get mad and I'd not do them..I resented him then but didn't know HOW to end the relationship and deal w/ the guilt he made me feel..so we got married..3 months into the marriage he takes a job (without discussion) that takes him out <BR>of town ALL the time..I'd say over the past nine years of our marriage we've actually lived together 2..one of which we went to where his job was. Financially he has provided for the family to where I can stay home w/ the kids..but he's not been here physically, nor emotionally..when he has been here physically he's been drinking..which he didn't do before we married..(if he did he did a really good job of hiding it) and would say he hated drinking..and that he didn't want his kids to be raised around it..and what have you..(so I guess w/ him drinking so much and being gone thats a plus) but..I have asked him many times over the years to look for a job at home..and he never has..he's asked me to send out resume's for him..so I have..and they would call I'd give him the msg and he wouldn't even return their calls..<BR>(now he says he's afraid to quit this job)<BR>he's been gone many years..three years ago<BR>I was very addicted to the chat rooms<BR>it was after the death of my mom and a miscarriage..and h having been gone many years prior to this..I had an EA..and H found out got very upset..but was still gone..still not talking to me..even when I tried to talk to him..he shut me out..I've always tried to talk to him about things..and he's never tried to talked..I started counseling and healing emotionally from the past abuse..<BR>and now I look back at everything and think<BR>why did I marry this man?? Other than he was always there physically b4 we married..now he's gone..he was/is a good provider..and he loved my daughter..he's never trusted me..said the only reason he married me was cause then I wouldn't need other men in my life, he thought he was enough for me..and now that I am healing emotionally I have quit looking at him to meet my EN and looking to Christ to meet them..I told him I want to seperate..told him this in march..well I never stuck to it..and would let him come home..and this past monday I told him, I need him to find someplace else to stay when he comes into town because I don't really know him..and that we need to try dating..and get to know each other before he can come back here..so he called friday and was like I am homeless and have no place to go..what am I supposed to do?? (feelings of overwhelming guilt come over me) but I stick to my guns and don't let him come home..I'm broke, what am I going to do?? can you give me some money so I can get at least pay my rent? I told him no I don't have it..(he gets about $2000 a month for being away from home, above the paycheck that comes to the house) I have always given him the money in the past even putting off things we needed here and not paying bills to make sure HE had money..this time I didn't..(again overwhelming guilt) I paid the bills and let him suffer..okay...<BR>I haven't been perfect here..I had an A this year..and told H about it..he says he wants to save the marriage..yet he's not looking for another job..(which would be a BIG plus to me to show he wants to be here) and he doesn't call me..unless he needs something<BR>or is drunk..I've waited for many years to get him to come home..and now I am tired of waiting and he says again he wants to come home..but I don't trust him to do what he says cause he's said this before...so the question is....DO I GIVE HIM THIS ONE MORE CHANCE??? (i've been waiting for him to even<BR>begin looking since March) and how long do I give him to look, if I do?? OM stepped out of the picture for a few months, to let me work on this..wants me to give it the 100%..so I have been..yet h still doesn't responde to questions I ask him..he isn't looking for another job..I got frustrated yesterday..at after a counseling appointment of mine..(H went for a few weeks and quit going)and I called OM cause I really needed a hug..and he came over and gave me a hug..told me he loves me..and misses me..and he's sorry I'm hurting..I am just so tired of waiting on H<BR>to decide if he wants to come home and live or not..I feel like he's been married to his<BR>job and drinking for 9 years..putting them before the marriage..and I'm tired of trying to compete..and feel I deserve to be treated better than this..<P>Like I said..How much longer do I wait???

I'm not sure if I have great advice for you, but I wanted to let you know that I am sorry you are in this situation.<P>It sounds as if neither you or your H were having your needs met. <P>It also sounds as if counseling (individual) for both of you (you are going?) is a good place to start. <P>YOu seem to recognize the issues from your past that seem to prohibit a close relationship with someone....that is always a good place to start.<P>The fact that your H says he wants to work on the marraige is another positive sign.<P>You mention faith....and I wonder if the fact that you are here at this site, means that you see some hope. <P>Perhaps with the proper help you both can grow and learn from this and end up having the type of caring, real, love that both of you want to have.<P>It would take a lot of hard work, and a tremedous amount of soul searching. I think it would be worth it though. If anything, we can learn from our mistakes, and make our lives and the lives of those we love more meaningful.<P>Where does your H stand with regards to his faith? I believe this is another good place to start.<P>This site has a wealth of information to get you started learning about how to "grow" a healthy relationship. Read as much as you can. You are both reaching for something!!! You ea's and pa's and he alcohol.... Perhaps you should start reaching out to each other.<P>Keep us posted!!!

Wow...<BR>...yes that was a long one.<P>Your bottom line question...<BR>...is "how long do you wait?"<P>I can't answer that for you.<P>Only you can answer that.<P>If he refuses counseling...<BR>...is it that the counselor is inappropriate, ineffective, not offering behavioral changes to work on?<P>Is the issue of you own SA...<BR>...addressed with your own counseling?<P>Is his issue of alcohol addiction being addressed?<BR>...AAA? or other support group mechanisms?<P>Is the affair you are having clouding your judgment?<BR>...this I can answer... <B>YES</B>!<BR>...lose the OM...<BR>...seek out a female companion...<BR>...maybe someone on the forum!<P>Are you on the "same" tack toward reconciliation?...<BR>...some of the best people on this forum...<BR>...(those posting together)<BR>...understood the MB principles....<BR>...but were in different stages... they couldn't recognise those stages (or accept them)... and broke up because there was not movement to get to the <B>same track</B>...<BR>...MB counseling could help there.<P>Is he willing to put the marriage ahead of his work...<BR>...if the poison of alcoholism continues... he will make a wrong choice...<BR>...and then, like other W's of alcoholics...<BR>...you must evaluate your commitment to this man...<BR>...and if it is to continue.<P>Bottom line (following MB principals)...<BR>If you do you still love him... stick with Plan A...<BR>...and get the right kind of counseling for both of you... (work is an important issue...)<P>If there is too much love lost (determine this after putting the OM out of your life for 4... 8... 12... months)... then go with Plan B... (and prepare yourself... for a substanial lifestyle change)<P>Prayers...<BR>Prayers...<BR>and more Prayers... to you. <P>Jim<BR><p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited August 29, 2000).]

Your husband, as we've talked about, obviously doesn't know anything about your trauma and has no desire to learn. It's unfortunate for him, I guess, because as you continue to grow in your own self-confidence and happiness, he'll get left behind.<P>I don't think that there is any concrete answer here. You need to continue to heal yourself, and eventually you'll know if it's time to let go.<P>I wouldn't cloud your head with the OM right now, you have your plate full as it is. As for everything else, it's hard for me to answer as I am in a somewhat similar situation as far as separation. I do think that you did the right thing in making him stay somewhere else. I also agree that he needs to date you. He needs to determine how he feels about you and whether or not he still wants to be married. He needs to determine if he is willing to put his needs aside and support you in the toughest time of your life. Isn't that what unselfish and unconditional love is? <P>Tell him that if he loves you, he will educate himself on what you're going through and why you need him right now. Give him whatever book(s) you have that he will benefit from, and tell him to call when he's read them.<P>Time for some tough love. <BR>

NSR,<P> If he refuses counseling...<BR>He doesn't think he needs counseling..he says there is nothing wrong w/ him..<P>Is the issue of you own SA..addressed with your own counseling? Yes..thats why I started<BR>going to begin with..A friend sent me a book<BR>called The Wounded Heart Hope for adult survivors of Childhood SA. I found a support<BR>group for suvivors at a local church..and nearly had a breakdown..<P>Is his issue of alcohol addiction being addressed? AAA? or other support group mechanisms? Again, to him he doesn't see it<BR>as a problem..I do because it triggers memories of my abuser..he drank..and yes I <BR>have discussed this w/ H and all he says is<BR>"I'm NOT YOUR DAD, Don't compare me to him"<BR>it's not that I compare them..it's the smell<BR>that triggers these very painful memories inside of me..and he refuses to see that..<P>seek out a female companion...I have female<BR>friends also..He doesn't care for them..<BR>he's jealous of them also..(I believe it's<BR>from his past..his 1st wife left him for OW,<BR>and again he doesn't think that effects him, but how could it not???)<P>Are you on the "same" tack toward reconciliation?...No, I need the emotional healing right now from the other..he thinks<BR>when I say we should try "dating and getting to know each other" means my dating other ppl..but thats not what I mean..I mean he and I dating..something we never did..even before<BR>we married..<P>Is he willing to put the marriage ahead of his work... I don't believe he is..he hasn't in 9 years..and I don't trust that he will now...<P>I don't know if there is any love left..at this point. I care about him..and even that<BR>is fading..I've been waiting for 9 years to<BR>have him home..and he hasn't been here..<P>my mom died of cancer he waited till the next to come home after he worked half the day..<BR>and he didn't have to..they knew she was dying..and he'd have to take off..<P>I had a miscarriage..he was here for a day then left to go back to work..<P>I know life goes on...but I sure could have used him here for a few days..and he could have taken time off from work..to be here..<P>I nearly had a breakdown when I started dealing w/ the SA..he didn't come home at all..till it was convient for him..<P>As far as OM..I was considering ending the marriage before he even entered the picture..<BR>He's not making any promises about us ever being together..and I'm not looking for that..he's just a friend at this point..<BR>we haven't been on a date..our relationship<BR>has pretty much been phone conversations<BR>just talking..and he'll give me a hug when<BR>I need one..and I recipocate that to him..<BR>the only reason I havent' left at this point was financial because I've been going to school..and have been able to be here for the kids b4 and after school..but I don't even know at this point if THAT is worth it..I've been looking for a part-time job that will allow me to finish this semester and work the days of week I'm not in classes..and that allows me to be here for the kids..<P>Our 8 yr old said the other day...I don't even know why daddy comes here when he does <BR>it's not like he's apart of the family..<P>4th of July my step-mom asked us to come over..I wanted to go..because it's something<BR>I needed as part of my healing from the past..H refused to go..the kids wanted to go..so the kids and I went..we got home and they wanted to go watch fireworks..he didn't want to go..so again..we went w/ out him..<P>A female friend had asked me one weekend if<BR>me and the kids would like to go sailing with her family..(since h was working) I said sure that sounds like fun. I said something to H about it and that we were going to go since he was working..He took the weekend off said he was going to take the kids fishing..so I said..okay..and called and let my friend know we wouldn't be making it..well..he came home<BR>and DIDN'T take the kids fishing..he sat here and watched tv and slept all weekend..(he didn't drink cause I'd told him if he drinks here at the house he's gone for good)<BR>So we sat home ALL weekend not doing anything..because he said he was going to take the kids fishing and he didn't..they were very disappointed and hurt.<P>Right now the only reason I think he's not looking for another job is because I told him I don't want the drinking here..(don't get me wrong..I don't mind an occassional drink here and there..but not everyday..and not every weekend) <P><BR>Tootrusting..<P>Where does your H stand with regards to his faith? I believe this is another good place to start. Good question..he has in the past made me choose between going to church and <BR>spending time w/ him..if I chose going to church for an hour..he'd leave and would be gone before I got home..and if I didn't go<BR>he'd stay another night..(it's been this way<BR>since he took this job) b4 we married he went <BR>to church when I did..and was w/ me all the time there..so I wouldn't meet other men I assume..but after we got married..He quit going..and didn't like me to go either..but while he was gone I'd take the kids anyway..<BR>because I needed to be there..and then when we moved for a school year where he was working at..we didn't go at all..and then since we've been back here..I've been going back off an on..more on than off..but going..<P><BR>

Still Praying..<P>I've given him a book and asked him to read he just read the first page said he couldn't see where it fit HIM and gave it back..I told him it wasn't about HIM it was about what I am going through..he still didn't read it..<P>

You have enough long responses, so I will be brief.<P>The book, "Getting the Love You Want" by Herville Hendrix is reeally helpful in understanding the psychology behind the types of mates we choose, and why. It is a little heavy at first, but read on. My therapist has my H and I reading it.<P>Second, yes your H should address his drinking. I know it is near impossible to convince them of the fact, my H is also a walk-aholic. Try something for yourself. Look into Alanon groups. It is not Alch. Anonymous, it is for the family of alcholholics and learning to deal woith the destruction that the alchoholic leaves in his wake.(Emotional, monetary, etc.) There are local groups everywherre. There are books by the score about it too. A friend turned me on to it; she was dealing with her father's alch and how it affected her in her adult life psycholgicalluy. It was a big burden. She found her inner strength through this group. <P>Heal yourself some more. This will help you and give you support in the Alch area. I plan to find one too. I was about to, when I found out about the A. Now I am recovering from that. But I will prabably get to it soon. My H is still drinking to be numb enough not to communicate to me about his feelings. It is SO hard for me. It is a lonely world, too.