You say: <<But how do I stick to it?>><P>You aren't honestly telling me you have no self-will or discipline, are you?<P>saf--I know I'm probably coming off harsh. I'm not the sweetie the other Lori (lostva) is. Among the reasons I was involved with another man was because my H stayed on the fence for nearly 2 years and I gave up on the 7th separation. I went on with my own life, served divorce papers and truly did not care that he had a personal epiphany where he wanted the marriage and our family back together. Since I had been in Plan A for 18 months and on the MB boards for over a year, this unsettled some folk here, but although few knew the whole story, I still received support, as did my H for the weeks he was a poster. My H was in a place where the relatinship with his OW was over. And I was disappearing fast.<P>Neither your H or OM may be in your future if you equivocate long enough. At some point, you have to lose one of them. There is not a plan where you get both. Read the Divorced/Divorcing board if you don't believe me.<P>It took my H 4 months to bring me back to wanting the marriage. 4 months. Where he knew I had a "special friend" And I had been so PRO our marriage. I am completely his wife again, but, I can tell you that trusting him with my heart yet again as the betrayed spouse-turned WS was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. And it hasn't been easy for my husband either. I hurt him...and understand the feeling of the fence...I didn't know the OM got married until he'd been married 5 weeks, but by that time I had chosen my marriage, yet I was still shocked. But fortunately I had also gone to Mexico with my H for another honeymoon and knew when I put on my wedding rings again that it meant as much as the first time.<P>So when I say you just do it, that is what I mean. You capture your thoughts, you put the OM out of your mind. First moment by moment, then step by step, day by day, week by week and soon it's been MONTHS. And then, you look at the husband God granted you and you love him with all your heart. You realize he always was the one. My H says all through the bad times, even when he said he didn't love me, he did, he has always loved me.<P>And then you go on to make the marriage healthy, where you meet each other's needs, protect and care for each other, spend 15 hours a week together, agree to Policy of Joint Agreement, and are honest when the day isn't so great and honest when it is.<P>But first, the fresh hurting has to stop.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

Saf,<P>Thought I was pretty close &#61514; Now, what you are asking is “where are my gaurantees?” You have a history w/H and therefore , based on this history, have “low” expectations of his ability to meet your needs. W/OM, you have no history and therefore, your “outlook” w/him appears much more “rosy” <P>BUT, like most of us here dealing w/infidelity, you probably NEVER imagined you would be in this situation. I’m sure you didn’t PLAN to have an affair, but you are now enthralled in one. In the same vain, your H may have never PLANNED to meet your emotional needs as you require, BUT he too, may surprise YOU by doing exactly what you need.<P>To stay w/a WS requires a leap of faith on the betrayed’s part. The BS has to not only deal w/the betrayal, but also work toward “fixing” what was wrong KNOWING that another could very well be lurking ready to “save” their spouse @ the first “wrong” move. That is a huge challenge for the BS. I would say the BS has a much harder job than the OP. The playing field is not level. Remember that.<P>As for your choice, it too will require a leap of faith, whichever way you go. Are you equipped w/the tools to deal w/a new marriage? If the answer is yes, then you are then also equipped to deal w/your marriage to your H. The tools are essentially the same. If not, consider thoroughly, how green the grass really is over there. You could be going from the frying pan to the fire.<P>Think long and hard. <P>Enlightened<BR>

saf,<P>yes, i do think about the future and sometimes wish that there was still a chance, i really love OM and miss him so much. but if we were together i don't know how long it would last. he has much more in common intellectually with his wife - although he claims she gives him no emotional support. my h and i share a lot of interests, we are runners, we like to camp, and cook. all of these things are of no interest to om, he doesn't like to exercise, can't camp because of his back, and has so many food issues/alergies. om is also on medication for depression. i am very outgoing. i don't know how i fell in love with him, (he had been my boss before the A started, and i was helping him through a depressive state - he had told me he was suicidal)...he is very romantic, sweet, and kind....but what would happen when our flame went out? i really miss our conversations and the way he made me feel, but it wouldn't have lasted. although, three months ago i would have argued against that. saf, look at the things that make you happy, do you have more in common with h or om outside of the emotional needs? i think you can work on those easier than the other things i mentioned. look at the big picture, compare what you have to lose with what you have to gain. we tried splitting up many times as well, it just doesn't work, you both have to make a commitment to go for it, or end it. it's an addiction. good luck. jill

saf<P>I know you face a tough decision. Love is the most powerful emotion there is. I asked you to list the reasons that you fell in love with your H and the reasons you fell in love with the OM just to see how they compared to my situation and to make you think. The OW in my life could have written the reasons herself. She told me basically the same thing. <P>I have to be truthful here. The OW was in love with me, but my feelings for her were different. I did not love her like she loved me and I am beginning to see that. My W fould out about my affair last September and I confessed everything to her. After D day, I made a few contacts with OW because I wanted to see if she was OK. She never told her H about our affair and her marriage suffered for that. About one month after D day, I called her and told her that it was over and that I did not want any more contact with her. SHe went into depression not to long after that. She did make several attempts to contact me by leaving messages on my answering service asking me to call her. It was always just to ask me a question. I never returned her calls.<P>Then shortly after July fourth, she called me and I answered (mistake). She needed my help to find out who had been sending her very dirty e-mail. I am very good with computers and she knew I could easily trace who was sending her these messages, although they were from a generic account. She was truthful about the e-mail and I fould out who it was (to my suprise). Anyway, during all of this she began to talk to me about her problems, that is how everything started the last time. Her and her H were not getting along at all. She began to get involved again but I kept wanting to distance myself and have finally done that. <P>My W knows I made contact with OW and of course that has damaged our recovery. I did not want to get emotionally involved with her again, but I know she started to get the same feelings back for me. She was still attached to our relationship even though we had no contact with each other for a long time. I had moved on with my life and put the affair behind me. She never let go. Everything you said you feel for the other man, she said the same to me. She wanted to be with me and it killed her love for her H. <P>My W is who I wanted to be with and still do. The main reason, I know that she would never do to me what I did to her. This is the reason I could never fall in love with the OW. I DID NOT TRUST HER, EVER. <P>As I told you before, true love will always prevail. Look in the mirror and ask yourself this: Who loves me the most, my H or the OM? Be honest with your answer. You fell in love with your H for REAL reasons, you fell in love with the OM for reasons of fantasy. Look at your answers and you will see that. You ask me if I ever think about the OW, yes I do. But, I think about my W also and I know that she is my one true love. THe OW made me feel good. My W makes me feel loved, safe, and secure.<P>I am sorry I have not gotten back to you sooner, but I have not had much time to read here the past couple of days. I hope I have helped in some way. Anything that you want to ask me, feel free to do so. My best wishes to you....fs.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I need to be sure that we can sort it all out and that I will be truly happy with him (as opposed to just being content). Then and only then can I commit to my marriage and give up the other man.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Sorta like the chicken & the egg. You won't be able to commit to your marriage until you give up the om, but you won't give up om until you're sure the marriage wil work.<P>Wanna guarantee? Won't get one. However, using the MB techniques is one of the surest ways to succeed. Then even if the marriage does not work, you will have learned what you need to succeed in other relationships. You will also learn WHY a relationship which began as an affair will NOT work.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Sitting here reading this is like reading some of my own emotions..<BR> Jill, you asked who they have more in common with..the OM of H..I've been thinking about<BR>this in my relationships..H and I don't know..I mean..sure h and I have our kids in common, but he's not here to spend time w/ them and when he has been here he hasn't spent time w/ them..he's taken our problems out on them..he'll go lock himself outside in the shed and watch his tv..they go out to talk to him..and he yells at them to get out..and pushes them away..he is so used to his time alone because he is gone so much.<BR>(like I said in other posts he's been gone 7 out of 9 years, and 1 of those we actually lived together for the year..and we didn't get along..the rest of that time has been weekends and vacations, that he has taken off work) So I really can't say what we have in common because I really don't know..on vacations..we have been to the beach where I went and laid out..and relaxed while he took care of the kids..(kinda like a break for me cause I am a stay home mom and was w/ one of them 24/7 for the past 9 years until I went back to college this past year) Or we'd go to his mom's and he'd take off w/ his brother..<BR>or we'd go to a family function on my side and he'd watch the kids while I visited w/ my family..or he'd be drinking w/ the men..<BR>So for 9 years...it's been like we've lived seperate lives but legally married so we couldn't be free to go on and do anything else..So I sit here and really wonder..WHY am I still here?? other than I don't have to work, I can go to college..not worry about daycare for my kids because I am home when they get home..but other than that..I don't know why I stay..and I don't know why he wants to stay married..(I guess for financial<BR>reasons..he has a home base so he can get his <BR>money to work out of town, if he didn't have a home address here he wouldn't get that, so he doesn't want to have to pay child support here, and have a place on the road..and another place he just goes to once a month)<BR>Is all I see is how it's benefitting him...<BR>And thats not a marriage..so why do I stay??<BR>I could get a job..and go it alone..I guess it's just a fear of actually doing it..<P>as far as OM..I don't know what all we have in common either..other than our love of conversation. We can talk about anything..<BR>(as I have tried to do over the years w/ h<BR>and still try, with no response) I heard<BR>yesterday of a company here that is hiring..<BR>I think I'll go next week and put in an application..even for part-time so I can finish these classes..and see how it goes..<BR>And I have two applications sitting here I need to finish filling out..<P>I don't know if OM will be in my future..and <BR>if he's not I am okay w/ that too, I'd miss our conversations..and how he makes me laugh,<BR>just like I'd miss that in my female friends if they weren't apart of my life anymore..when I'm down they give me a hug..<BR>and encourage me..when we've gone out to do something and we say see ya later..we hug and give each other a kiss on the cheek..I do that w/ my both the OM and the female friends..the sexual aspect of the relationship w/ OM is not there so it's not something I'd miss...<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Just Learning:<BR><B>saf,<P>You ask very good questions. Now some obvious answers. First, you must tell your H about the affair even if you decide to divorce. Look on the bright side, if you tell him and he divorces you, then you get your OM. Right?<BR>On the other hand the OM is romancing a married woman, and has very little respect for the institution of marriage. So that should match your commitment to marriage well. <P>saf, at the very minimum you need to tell your H what you are doing and have done. You might be greatly surprised by his response. He just may love you more than you ever imagined and if he does he will help you through withdrawal as many other H's here have done and as many other W's here have done.<P>As for the future with your OM, the odds are very low that you will marry him and the marriage will be successful. The debate as to the extact number has occured here, but the published numbers suggest that you have a small chance of marrying (less than 20% I think) and then the marriage as between (20% and 10% of succeeding). Overall about a 4% chance. How is that for good odds?<P>As for your OM being your soulmate, well I encourage you to look at NSR's welcome thread in "Just Found Out" and then look under common sayings by WS. You will find that just about all of the WS found their "soulmate" during the affair, yet so few succeed in marriage to them, wonder why?<P>The reason is that the problems you are having in your marriage are yours not your H's and they will be carried over to a new relationship unless corrected. You have done nothing to correct those problems in your marriage or yourself, so the odds stand as stated.<P>I am being a little blunt here saf, but I am in a hurry, and we see your story so many times on this board. So please do yourself a hugh favor, try working on your marriage, try to examine yourself and learn. Then if you decide to divorce your H, you will at least improved yourself for your next relationship.<P>Which will in all likelyhood not be with the OM, your "soulmate". He will have found some other marriage to pillage.<P>Please think and at least talk with your H.<P>God Bless,<P>JL</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>JL:<P>I am a betrayed spouse. Where did all your info come from? How do you know this? Wish my husband would read - he seems to have given up on marriage, seems relieved that he will soon be leaving....<P>