I guess this is the closure update for my dear friends who have supported me during my two years here at the forum. I haven't posted much recently as I've been trying to heal from this experience.<P>Today, I selected an attorney and filed for divorce. I feel good about it and am anxious for it to be done with. For those of you who wonder what it's like to finally take an action after what feels like endless waiting for an affair to end, it felt good. I feel like I finally have some control over my life again and I'm not just waiting.<P>By my tally, I plan A'd for 1 1/2 years and Plan B'd for 1/2 year. Neither worked to save the marriage because my husband was never open to investing any effort, looking inside himself, or acknowledging changes in me. He works with the OW so their relationship is nearly effortless, completely on auto-pilot. I have yet to hear him admit to any responsibility for this situation. The only apologies have come from me.<P>As the attorney commented to me today, it's much better working with someone two years into separation that's passed the emotional trauma. I was able to be completely rational about my decisions, I'm not filled with rage, and I really am trying to do the best for the children. But a big part of my sentiment comes from my acceptance that my husband will never be what I thought he was, and probably never was to begin with. But there's no point in being angry toward someone like that. He's just pitiful and tragic. He's also directionless and unhappy (although he may be popping champagne tonight when he gets the word. I can hear it now - "what a relief. She finally filed.").<P>So there's my update. To those of you who have had success, I applaud you. And for those of you that fear divorce, let me say that it is true that you do lose your love after a couple of years. Then it becomes much easier to see the opportunities of the future. Regardless, those of us that invest effort learn and grow, and we leave this experience as more developed and responsible individuals. We can all be proud of how we acted in the face of infidelity, and always look back knowing we did everything we can to make the marriages work.<P>I wish everyone great happiness. BTW, anyone know any available men?

I'm so sorry that your situation has led to this. I don't know any of your story, as I am fairly new here, but your post has uplifted my spirits. I still don't know what the outcome of my H's A will be, but seeing your post has made me see that even if we end in divorce (and believe me, I hope it doesn't), I know I'll be OK.<P>Best wishes and prayers go out to you!

Distressed. I'm sorry for the outcome, but happy you feel like you have closure.<P>It is tough when they work together and share that common bond as well. A friendship starts that is hard to compete with when you are at home dealing with the day to day, such as the kids.<P>Does he see the kids often? I question this because my H who was a devoted dad has really turned off to them.. He visits now. <P>My story will have closure much sooner because my H is anxious to file and begin his life with OP. <P>I hope that in two years I will feel less emotionally battered and robbed.

Thanks hurtinginil for your well wishes. I used to post quite a bit. I've found that staying away from here has helped me focus less on the marriage and more on my life. I think this is a common conclusion for people living this situation six months or longer. You just can't keep working the marriage alone with tremendous intensity and not burn out eventually. But I do believe that people that try as hard as us are quite strong. That strength helps you get through all situations, even divorce if necessary.<P>Tootrusting, as far as I'm concerned, my husband is a big loser all the way around, especially with the children. He was an excellent father to our son when he was here. Now, he's a Disneyland dad, and barely that. He won't talk to him about the situation, brings OW around but doesn't define/explain their relationship, doesn't take our son on vacations, and their weekend entertainment is mostly the two of them playing video games. As far as our daughter goes, he went months without seeing her, doesn't take her for overnights (he doesn't request it), and still clearly lacks a bond with her. She's now two. She knows him and calls him daddy, but she's got much closer relationships with both grandfathers and my friend's husbands that come around. I don't see him doing anything to change this. I literally busted my butt trying to get the two of them to interact. Now I do nothing to support that effort. He'll be whatever kind of father he chooses to be, with no help or interference from me. It is his life to live however he chooses.<P>Just a side point that I bet applies to you too. I don't think I ever competed with OW and I doubt you do either. All objective evaluation says she can't hold a candle to me. That's not what it's about. You can't compete with a fantasy, small children or otherwise. It is hopeless and you just have to step aside until it passes. I'm sure it will pass in both cases, but definitely too late for me. As Harley would say, my lovebank is bone dry and I see no way for it to get replenished, even if my husband came back begging. I look at him now and only feel disgust. It's sad.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Distressed}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>As you know, I'm no longer pursuing a divorce, but the lawyer I saw said pretty much the same thing about me, that I seemed well through much of the grief process and "calm". I think as we toiled away in Plan A for so long, a lot of the issues and feelings are processed, even though we aren't necessarily working on that aspect.<P>You're turning a new page. I know you have thought long and hard and come to the decision that best suits you at this time. Even though my timeline is very similar to yours, I doubt I would have lasted as long as you have under your circumstances. You are a very strong lady. You are, and will be, all right.<P>I wish you the best.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

Distressed:<P>I'm sorry for the ending of your marriage, but I would definitely count you as a success. You're a terrific mom, and a dedicated wife who did everything in her power to save her marriage.<P>I know that you're very disappointed in your husband---but those are issues that lie with him. <P>Best wishes, and more success in your future!

I am sorry that your two years of trying to keep the marriage has come to a divorce.<P>On the other hand, hearing that you have accepted that being single again is better than waiting in vain, I am happy that you have made a informed decision to take the step in making a clean break.<P>I was divorced before when my first H had As. Although it was a very abusive marriage (he being an abused orphan), it took me a long time to file because of the utter loneliness I thought being single would make me feel. I also thought that marriage is forever and he was also begging me to stay as a 'trophy wife' to go out with but to have separate lives at home. I also felt as if I were abandoning an orphan. There were other issues as well.<P>After the divorce, I found my whole self again and became a better person in many areas of my life. <P>I remarried and my present H started an A (during a pissed drunk night when an aggro came on to him). Although I have not filed for divorce, I have often threatened him with that because he is now only a friend to me (at best a lousy friend), and the father of my child. So, in a sense, I feel 'divorced'.<P>How then do I deal with my sense of self now that I have a different status - different because I find H undependable. I try to rebuild myself and work to better myself at reaching my potential in every aspect of my life. It will take time but it is like I have my life back!<P>Now that you have your life back and you can go full blast, I wish you God's speed and take care of yourself and may happiness, peace, joy, health and love fill your life.<P>May you touch others with your life and 'don't waste your sorrows for many can benefit from your wisdom and patience.

Distressed,<P>You are a success story... <P>It's sad that successes like yours have to be coupled with a divorce...<BR>...but you have run the course...<P>...and are the better you... you could be.<P>Care for the kids...<BR>Care for yourself...<P> <P>Jim

Lor, K, NSR and so many others that have been great friends through the extended turmoil, I want to really express my appreciation to you for the incredible support. I don't know what would have happened to me if I hadn't stumbled on this site back in November '98 and run across such great people. Having and executing a plan is so important to getting control back of your life when hit with such a crisis. Without you folks I'd have been drifting in the wind, probably love-busting and racing into a hostile divorce many months ago. Instead, I have peace with myself, have forgiven myself and made amends for my mistakes in the marriage, and am ready to move on guilt-free. I would have none of that without you.<P>I think I am a success story of recovery, obviously not of marital restoration. But I fully accept that responsibility for the lack of marital progress is squarely on my husband's shoulder's. He had chance after chance to make things right and never did a thing. He'll have to live with that but I don't. I am now free to live my life.<P>Again, thank you so much for the support and encouragement. I wish each of you tremendous success and much love in your lives. I don't think these things occur randomly, but are a reflection of the actions and behaviors we choose to do. Knowing each of you, I have tremendous faith that we will all be living happy lives and each of us has the strength and character to shine through whatever adversity we face in the future.

Distresed,<P>I haven't checked in for a couple weeks and then I looked this morning and saw this! You know, I understand EXACTLY how you feel right now. Your timeline was the whole 2 years and mine was about 14 months. <P>I know your story very, very well. You just got to the point where you know in your heart that you have done everything YOU can do, and the wayward spouse just isn't going to do one thing to work on the marriage or to in any way help the relationship or the process along. Your H, like my ex, seems perfectly content to have a superficial relationship with you while engaging in the full blown affair, and never investing one second in the marital relationship. It does happen - you just lose the love, which according to Harley, you do expect over a long period of time. I think when you lose both the love and the RESPECT for the other person - ah! that is definitely the deadly combo. <P>You are right that the efforts and the time have allowed you to process so much of the negative emotion and feelings, although your thoughts and energies were focused elsewhere. A beneficial side-effect of our efforts to learn and grow and become better mates and better people.<P>By the time I filed, I would say the bulk of the bad feelings were over for me. I have tried to look at the divorce not as the failure and end of the marriage, but as a time of new beginings and new opportunities for my life.<P>In the long run, I think all of us just have the same basic need - to love and be loved in return. You appear to have gotten to the place where I finally arrived - the realization that the person to whom we were married was not going to give us the kind of love we want and need in return. They simply are not, not matter what the reasons are or why's (unwillingness to try, the involvement of the OP, etc.). The undeniable fact is that they are not going to love us the way a maaried person should love their spouse.<P>I feel good about myself and my life again, Distressed. I will always regret my ex's decision to not work on our relationship and our marriage. I feel badly that he valued it so much less than I did. But, I do accept that fact and am moving on. All I can say is that once you let go, I mean really let go, you can find happiness again. Not just maintaining the emotional staus quo, but really taking all that time, energy and effort that you have previously invested into trying to restore your marriage and plowing that into new passions - hobbies, interests, and new relationships, if that is what you desire.<P>My wish for you is life's very best. Through our e-mail correspondence, and my tenure here on the MBF, I have come to "know" you as a most decent and fine person, multi-talented, loyal and fiercely loving and dedicated to her family. Surely the future holds some fine and good things for you, Distressed. You deserve them, friend!<P>Desiree <P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Distressed:<P>Congratulations on a battle well fought. In spite of the outcome, you survived it.<P>You know in your heart you did everything humanly possible to save your marriage. It's nice to know you can live with yourself, isn't it? that you can look yourself in the mirror and see your character, strength and dignity.<P>Now, if I were you, I would be like a kid on Christmas Eve waiting for Santa, because you know that God is going to be blessing you with something special, something better. <BR>I wonder what it will be. I hope you will let us know what it is when it happens.<P>I wish your my heartfelt best, Distressed. You were here when I first found the forum in May '99 and I remember all your wise counsel and your constant presence. Thanks for all you have given us here. God speed, No Longer Distressed.<P>Catnip =^^=

Tears came to my eyes as I've read these replies. I find it amazing the amount of support and love that has come throughout such tragedy. I hope the Harleys realize what an important source of help their website is, regardless of whether their processes wind up working.<P>RMA, you have been a wonderful friend throughout this and a great example of how the future can be. I think you've hit the nail on the head about how I feel right now, and you also saw the inevitability of this outcome. To me, it's just a question of time. Most of the readings say that the betrayed will lose their love between 1 1/2 - 2 years when their needs are not met. Some take a little longer, some less, but I think nearly all of us come out of the pain and start to see the beauty of the new day, along with the opportunity it brings. Since the outcome of restoring the marriage was not successful, it would have been better to lose my love and move on sooner. I can't change that, but I am comfortable where I am. I know we'll both be very successful in our future. I feel like an albatross has been removed from my neck.<P>Catnip, I certainly remember you from the old days. Thank you so much for coming back to remind me just how we've survived and thrived through the most challenging thing that's ever happened to us. I can look in the mirror and smile back, and I do believe that things do even out in the end, for both the infidels and for us. I especially like the new handle you've given me "No Longer Distressed". That's the right description now.<P>I don't think I'll be visiting here much, but I do want to say that I wish all my friends here, and all the unfortunate others that come along, the best possible outcome and much happiness. It is in our control to make our lives great. While there is pain and a period of transition, our ultimate happiness is not dependent on the actions of our waywards.