Things are changing again, but not for the better. Just a couple of weeks ago my H admitted to the PA. He also said he was not coming home... going to file.... with OP for life.<P>All I've witnessed since then is depression, anger and irritability. Not a lot of patience with the kids.<P>I have asked him if he is OK..he says no.<P>He has been wanting to talk about the D I guess.<P>I wanted to try to postpone it because he usually doesn't press so much... conflict avoider that he tends to be.<P>Now tonight, he says he wants to go out tomorrow night. didn't want to tell me in front of the kids. Doesn't want them to know.<P>He looks pretty bad. I think OP's H left town. I know she wants to go "public"<P>I tried to reach out to him tonight, but he shrunk away... almost wiping my hand from his arm.<P>I can't imagine what's left.... I already told him to go and file... I would get the info that he needed. I've already said all of the loving things I could with no response.<P>I really hope this is not going to be an "im sorry I hurt you talk" or "you don't deserve this"<P>Now I'm worried there is more... like an OC?????? <P>I still can't figure out how something like this can happen in such a short period of time.... It was just last year that he was happy.... Just last fall that he said he loved me. Of course he did say he was pretending this Jan.<P>I swear he has a chip in his brain that made him hate me.... <P>Anyway.... that's where I am. Not looking forward to the "talk".....

hi tootrusting,<P>God it's so scary, isn't it? To have to go sit there and possibly hear words that you don't want to hear.<P>I will pray there is not an OC.<P>You have grown strong here over the last few months tootrusting. You have had to make tough decisions...and you've done a good job with them. You have been there for your children 100%. Do you know how strong and loving you have been? <P>What I see in your posts that bothers me is that you seem to blame yourself for your H's behavior. Please tt, don't continue to do that. You and I both know that he is having the mother-of-all-mid-life-crisis. He is behaving like a total $&*( and there is no excuse for it.<P>My H once said to me, as our oldest son was entering puberty...that our son was beginning to enter a long, dark tunnel, and he (H) just wanted to be there waiting on the other side when son came out. Don't give up TT, be there at the end when your H comes out. You'll know if and when the time comes to give up, but for now...keep doing what you're doing.<P>If tomorrow night is bad, just use Resilents method...yes, uh-huh, ok honey. Remember, you are dealing with an insane, but brilliant man here. Let him talk, and talk and talk. Listen, really listen to what he is saying to you. I've learned the most when I've really listened to H. I've learned how OW made him feel...how I made him feel...the things OW did to make him not care about her so much anymore...the things that make him laugh.<P>Even at his craziest I listened and learned.<P>Best of luck tomorrow night. Look smashing. <BR>allison

{{{{{{{tootrusting}}}}}}}}<P>I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through so much pain. I wish I knew what to say, I really do. You have been such a great help not only to me but to a lot of people who post here, and you deserve better than what you're getting. I, too, will pray for you and your H. Try to keep your head up.<P>

TT-<P>I cannot believe how much you have been through. I know you are filled with trepidation, but be confident, hold your head up high, smile and look him straight in the eye, giving him your entire attention.<P>Then pray.<P>I will be thinking of you.

TT,<BR>{{{{{{{{{Big Hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}]<BR>I am so sorry!!!!<BR>I know you must get tired of being strong.<BR>This is so hard!!!!<BR>My prayers are with you!!<BR>You are doing the right thing---Unfortunately, we cannot MAKE our H's do the right thing. All we can do is love them, even when they don't love us.

Hello TT,<P>I'm praying there is NOT an OC.<P>I know all the things that must be going thru your mind, all the bad things he could say.<P>These OW are desperate and will use any tool available to them to HOOK our H's. I do know, I've seen it happen twice in my marriage. But my gut tells me this isn't what he's going to tell you.<P>He may just want to tell you how sorry he is and "yes" like you said, how you don't deserve this.<P>Try not to let this meeting weigh on your thoughts, just remember everything you've learned here and all the reading you've done. You've changed and grown so much, your posts show that.<P>Be strong yet once again, show your children what a caring and responsible mother you are. Yo have their unconditional love and that's a very good thing in your life. The Best Ever!!!<P>Your H is consumed with guilt, that's where all his anger and meaness comes from, I know you know this. Just keep reminding yourself.<P>Be well and please let us know what happens. I'll check in here tomorrow afternoon to see.<P>God Bless and get a good nights sleep.<P>Jo

Hi Tootrusting -<P>Well, something pulled me to look on MB before tumbling into bed tonight (or should I say this morning!!) and I guess it was you!!!!<P>Our imaginations can think up things that will make us crazy if we let it!!<BR>Don't do that to yourself, Hon......<P>No matter what he wants to discuss, there is only one thing that you have to know.....how YOU FEEL!!!!<P>Your job is to listen with love and concern. You need to show him the attention and respect that a spouse should show to their partner and you need to restate your love and belief in him...the marriage...and yourself.<P>No need to push him to file or tell him to "go file"....let that be all on him. In fact, point out to him that if he wants this divorce, he will have to be the one to do it all!!<P>It would fly in the face of all that you believe about the marital situation and how anything can be overcome when faced together. Which is afterall what we are all here on earth to do - learn, grow and overcome our problems.<P>Divorce does not accomplish that.<P>You can do this TT......just stick to what you know is right in your heart!!<BR>Do not "educate" him, but do not give in to something that you are against. And helping him with either getting this divorce or making him feel better for doing it is NOT a way to show Plan A....<P>Plan A is being nice, but not changing your beliefs and taking steps to help him in his delusions. He can know that you are concerned about his happiness and well-being and will not throw monkey wrenches in the divorce process, but to expect you will be an ardent activist towards it would be a little too much!!!<P>Consistantly standing firm in your resolve that you want him, the marriage and a better future together IS A definite Plan A (and B) method!!!!<P>He is wishy washy enough.....someone needs to BELIEVE!!!!!<P>Convince yourself, square your shoulders and with head high......meet with H and do your best to shine!!!!!<P>BIG HUGS and MUCHO PRAYERS for you both,<P>Sheba

TT:<P>Now why would ANYONE hate you?!!!<P>Like my kids say (when they fight) hate is a strong word!<P>He doesn't hate you. And you do need to stop blaming yourself for his actions.<P>I know that your feelings of self-worth have been ground beneath his heel. You are wondering, "why me?" or "what's wrong with ME?!"<P>There is NOTHING wrong with you. You are a sensible, sensitive woman, a devoted and loving mom, and a warm-hearted individual. You have a lot to offer someone who doesn't have their head up their butt. The fact that you have offered it to someone who does proves that.<P>Now, before you go out with him, you get your nails done, get your hair done, pick out something pretty to wear, and hold your head high. Show him what he's going to be losing if he crosses this line.<P>You hang tough. We are all praying for you.<P>(

Just checking in on you....<P>I'm so sorry. You know, I remember that. When I would even accidently brush against Robert and he would act as if he had been burned! It's a horrible feeling.<P>Like everyone else has said, keep believing, stand by what you think is right. Don't over-react, you'll do fine. I do hope there's not an OC. <P>This is not played out yet. Remember that.<P>Love and prayers,<P>Lori

Hi TT,<P> I've been looking for your posts wondering how you have been....I am so sorry for all of the pain you are experiencing......this whole thing stinks.<P> I will also pray that there is NOT an OC .....<P> Hard to believe but things (one way or the other) will get better. Not much else to say but I'm thinking of you......LU

I really appreciate all of your responses. They really help!<P>Allison--I know I am witnessing the mother of all MLC's. He even told someone he is unhappy and needs to change everything in his life. He is in counseling himself... I am hoping that someday soon he figures out what is making him so unhappy... No I do not think it is me! or the kids!! or the house (possessions)! I will listen very carefully. I have been trying to listen, however, he has not made any sense so far and simply has reverted into the "possession" mode most of the time when talking to me.<P>I think I know what he wants and what he thinks ow is giving him. He wants a friend. He wants someone to listen to him.<P>I have been doing that for most of our marraige. I know the past two years have been incredibly stressful for both of us. I have not been a great friend....caught up in my own take on the long work hours and dealing with 3 young children. I still find it hard to believe that he thinks a woman who will leave her H, brag about making the wifes jealous, tell her H every detail, think that I am following her, give up her life long belief system, is a good friend or confidant! But of course we know it is not "real"<P>CB and BS--I will support him and my head is up!! Thanks for your words.<P>GA-THat's the one thing I do know, I can't make him do the right thing. It is obvious to me he doesn't think this is right...but he is still DOING it.. He just doesn't understand why...and I can't teach him...Iknow.<P>Resilient---Believe it or not...I had a good night sleep...though I may not tonight. For all I know he may just want to tell me that he loves her and wants to live with she and her kids but he feel bad having to tell me.<P>I'll still be loving.<P>Sheba, thanks for checking my post before tumbling into bed. After I blew up, I did tell him I would not file, it was not what I wanted. Told him that I was willing to do whatever it took, that Iloved him...still believed in him.. And I will still listen tonight and reiterate all of that... and go from there.<P>Bernzini---I know this problem is my H's. The hate is projected. Luckily, I do not hate myself. Just feeling a little battered by it all, but am still taking care of me and the kids.<P>LostVa--It was such a jolt... your description of being burned is accurate. That's what it was like. And it is different since he admitted to the PA. Prior to that I got fake smiles and hugs.. Plus the denials..."I never said I wanted a relationship withOP" "We Just like working together and have a bond"....Funny how he can change that in 2 weeks....and even begin talking about getting the kids with her.<P>I guess I'll just have to handle that too.<P>Lu--thanks, I know it will get better. I've taken so many steps for myself already. I started my class last night in preparation for getting a career back on track. I'm working hard with the kids...loving them, devoting my time and energy on them. The strangest thing is that this is NOT my H!!!<P>It truly is not!!! He is exhibiting all of the opposite traits that I have ever witnessed. Whatever happens...I will be calm, I will breathe, I will have faith!!<P>I'll keep you posted.

TT,<P>How are you today? Just checking in to see if any contact or discussions with H yet. Please let us know, Hon.<P>And you are right, your are experiencing the mother-of-all-mid-life-crisis! I've only been on this board for 4 mos, but to date I haven't seen a more text book MLC. It's over the top.<P>Your H swings back and forth within the matter of 24 hours, and the pendulums range of sweep is very very wide. He must be in deep agony himself. <P>I surely do wonder once he's fought his way outta the FOG, what he'll remember. Are you keeping a journal, TT? I would.<P>Jo<BR>