I'll tell ya...this working full time thing really cuts in to my MB hours! HARUMPH!!!<P>Have some kind of difficult days coming up and wanted to vent a little. <P>H has stayed away from his church since his A began...even since it ended he can't bring himself to go...I'm not a Catholic as he is, but I guess the guilt of having an A is a biggie especially if you're raised Catholic. Anyway, H's brother is getting married this weekend and H is best man. H is just sick about this whole thing. He is totally uncomfortable with standing up there in front of all of his family that knows about A (cuz of me and my big mouth). BTW, kids and I are going to the wedding and hanging out with his family all weekend.<P>Can any of you guys think of something I can do to help him out here. No, he won't go to confession...he turns white when I mention it. I guess I don't really understand because I was not raised in any particular faith and I feel like thing that I have to say to God are between He and I. No middle man needed.<P>Also, one other thing. H came over the other morning b/c son was starting college and H wanted to see him off and take pictures. A few hours later he called me at work and asked if he could come over ever Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings because he was "feeling out of the loop". So, pretty cool huh? I thought this was a good thing, but adds a little pressure to me having to be ready for 7am visits from H. So, I'll have the coffee on and be ready to go. (this stuff is exhausting)<P>any comments would be very welcome.<P>thanks ... allison

Hey Allison,<BR>Sounds like you're making great progress in the Plan A department. Only your H can deal with how H feels about church. Sounds like it would be good for him to get inside one. Listen carefully to what he says. You'll get important clues about how he's feeling. Above all, give him every reason to confide in you. If he says something that makes you angry, bite your tongue! He has to feel safe in telling you what is in his heart. You have some great opportunities to make a stronger marriage in the very near future! I just know you do.

lh is right. This is his deal and you can't make it better. Support him and love him. Treat him with respect in front of everyone...that will help some. He'll find his way to deal with this on his own.<P>Glad to hear the way things are going. Pretty cool. More opportunities to make those impressions!<P>Love and prayers,<P>lori

Tell him not to worry about church. Tell him that his relationship with God is personal, and actually far different than what the Catholic Church would have you believe. He doesn't need to go to confession, doesn't need to say his "Hail Marys". What he needs to do is find some quiet time and confess his sins in private, and ask for forgiveness and guidance. This will initially help clear his conscious a little and allow him to start thinking about what he's done and how he wants to fix it. God knows what he's done, and right now he doesn't need to be aprehensive about waiting to see a priest to get things rolling.<P>Try these: <A HREF="http://www.value.net/~bromike/stations/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.value.net/~bromike/stations/</A> <A HREF="http://www.victorious.org/praykey.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://www.victorious.org/praykey.htm</A> <A HREF="http://www.victorious.org/unprayer.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://www.victorious.org/unprayer.htm</A> <A HREF="http://www.victorious.org/healing.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://www.victorious.org/healing.htm</A> <A HREF="http://www.victorious.org/grefaith.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://www.victorious.org/grefaith.htm</A> <A HREF="http://www.victorious.org/Victorus.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://www.victorious.org/Victorus.htm</A> <A HREF="http://www.victorious.org/devil.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://www.victorious.org/devil.htm</A>

Hi AZ<P>I am a WS and I am Catholic - so I guess I kind of know what your H is going through. Up until the A, I went to church every Sunday, heck, I even taught CCD (religious education) one year.<P>I really don't know where to begin . . .yes the guilt of having the affair has been overwhelming for me. I don't know if that is because I was raised Catholic - or just raised with good values. I cannot begin to explain the remorse that I feel. I truly regret everything that has happened and am working very hard to rebuild my marriage.<P>Having said that, I too have only been back to church for weddings and funerals - maybe 4 times in the past four months. The difference, I guess between me and your H - at least on the surface - is that I needed to make things right with God first and then my H. The way I was raised, I believe my sin was against God - yes it affected my H and my marriage, but the sin was going against God's word. After the A turned physical, I immediately went to confession - NOT AN EASY THING TO DO.<P>I was always terrified of going to confession as a kid, and as I got older, I kind of rationalized not going to confession by using the rationale that if I talk to God and ask for forgiveness, my sins are forgiven, I don't need to go through a "middle man." And I believe that, I guess, that you can ask God for forgiveness directly and receive it - through Jesus I think that is possible.<P>But as a Catholic, I think there are reasons for going through a priest (and I won't get into a theological discussion here) and I think it really does help to have that reassurance from a priest that your sins are completely forgiven.<P>So, after about 15 years, I found myself going to confession. I was terrified, but I knew that it was something I HAD to do - for myself. Because I hadn't been to confession in years, I actually wrote down everything I had to say (and in 15 years I compiled quite a list). I guess I focused on the most important things that were on my conscience -the affair, sexual promiscuity, over-indulging in alcohol, etc. . . This was very hard to do, but I'm glad I did it.<P>As a kid, the biggest things I had to confess were fighting with my brother, sneaking cookies from behind my mother's back, talking back to my parents, etc. . .So you can only imagine how hard it was to admit all of my faults and ask for forgiveness to someone else - I wanted to keep them buried, I wanted to keep them a secret, but I couldn't - not from God and not from myself.<P>At confession, I explained to the priest that it had been several years since my last confession and during that time I had done a lot of things wrong. I explained that there was a huge gap in my relationship with God that led me to certain acts and that I truly wanted forgivness. I cried through the whole thing, which took only about 5 minutes. Anyway to make a long story short -if that's possible - the priest absolved me from my sins and all I had to do was say a few prayers for forgiveness.<P>Even though I know that God forgave me, absolve is a very powerful word - it was like I had a clean slate . . .This was a very cleansing experience for me. If your H doesn't feel comfortable going to his pastor, he can always go to another church and go to confession there. That's what I did - because I was too embarrassed to go to our local parish. I know how scared he might be, or he may not even believe in the value of confession - but for nothing else, he may want to consider going just to have some reassurance, if you know what I mean.<P>So, I now know that my H and God have forgiven me, so why is going back to church still such a big deal for me? I still haven't forgiven myself I guess. I often feel like even though I know God loves me and accepts me for who I am - I feel like I'm this huge disappointment to him. Sometimes, I don't even know who I am anymore . . .I don't know. I think in time, I'll learn to live with what I have done - be able to forgive myself, maybe.<P>I think the wedding will be very difficult for your H. Recently, I went to my cousin's wedding and when it came time for the vows, I was overwhelmed with remorse. I started crying silently - knowing that only four short years ago I was up there on the alter making a life commitment and look at what I had done. My H knew that I was upset and we both agreed to not renew our vows, but make new vows to each other. We did that last week while we were on vacation in Maine. That's another long story that I won't bore you with. . . <P>Anyway, my advice would be to tell your H what I went through. Let him know that confession does help - believe it or not. For the wedding, I don't know if it's just me and my sentimentality, but let him know that it will be hard to listen to two people making vows that he himself has broken. But, it was also very eye-opening. . . <P>Sometimes, I guess you have to walk through fire to get to the good. I have to laugh at your statement "having an A is a biggie especially if your're raised Cahtolic." When my H tells me that I'm being too hard on myself, I tell him "you just don't understand, this was one of God's top ten . . .the big one . . .this wasn't just telling a white lie . . .it was the mother of all no-nos." To me, a sin is a sin. I compared myself to someone who willfully committed murder . . .the important thing for me is to remember that I have been forgiven.<P>Anyway, I hope this helps. Just try to be supportive during the wedding - even though he may not admit it, he probably needs you now more than you know. I hope it goes well and I hope he realizes how much you carea bout him.<P>

Dear AZ,<P>I think the hanging out w/ family all week-end is a fantastic opportunity for you and H.<P>In regards to the church, he will just have to swallow his pride. My H has had to do that many times b/c of me and MY big mouth, so I know how you feel.<P>Just let him and the rest of the family see your loving support and forgiveness first hand in this delicate situation. Let him know you are there for him and that you will help him get through this. <P>Being with family and doing family things really helped us get back on track. It helped H come out of the fog, b/c he knew he could never bring OW to any of those functions. His Italian, Catholic family would have held up silver crosses at her.<P>Good luck this weekend, I think you will have a grand ole time! <P>Sincerely, Cathy<BR>

Hi AZ,<P>Just be there to support him. Dylan(S) and I go to church almost every Sun. that we can. ALot of times if H has Dylan I go by myself. Last weekend Kyle made the comment that he wasnt staying Sat night was because I would ask him to go to church on Sun. Az that was the furthest thing from my mind. He can only go to church when he is ready.<P>Michelle<P>An update on whats happening with me. Taked with H yesterday and he was a total [censored]. Then 10 minutes later called to appologize, beyond me. He said he wouldnt talk to me until next week. He must be going to be with OW. He confuses me. Everything is still being sent here(mail and UPs) and I still have his stuff. Oh well I guess its still in Gods hands. And we still need alot of prayers.

There will come a time when you NEED church. Believe me, one of these days soon, he will go.<P>After I divorced my first husband, (to get with someone else) I felt like I didn't belong in the congregation, that everyone would judge me, talk about me. It helped that I had to work Sundays, too, so that I didn't HAVE to go. I had a reason to blow it off.<P>When I re-married to a difficult man, who, by the way, is an ex-Catholic who says now that he doesn't believe in God, (He had some "experience" caused him to think this way--I don't know what because he won't talk about it.) I really needed to go to church at that point. Not to rub it in his face, because I know that people's beliefs are personal and can only be changed by the person himself. <P>I am so glad that I got over my shame, because I was only hurting myself by staying away. My congregation welcomed me back with open arms. Luckily, I had members of my church that reached out to ME and encouraged me to come back. In time, I started teaching Sunday School, and Bible study.<P>I don't know what I would do without my religion now. Even in the wake of this affair, my faith has remained strong and has gotten me through the worst of it.<P>The time you need to pray is when you feel the least like praying.<P>But give your husband time before he decides to back to church. It will be okay. Remember the shame that he is dealing with. It really hurts, and takes time to heal.