I am not sure how to put this. My brain feels like mush and if mis-spellings please<BR>over look. Scotty beamed my brain up without<BR>my body. (Yeah, I'm Post Toasty right now)<P>Went for long drive and though alot about all <BR>this mess. Decided that I have been too naive and trusting perhaps. I have always loved the idea of marriage and being married and with all the hard work I put into it I<BR>ended up spoiling H. I mean I was always there, supportive, and giving him his way when he threw tantrums. Partyly because I wasn't sure if I pushed where it would lead.<BR>So to keep peace I would eventually back down. Giving in to his selfishness. <P>Well, I cannot take the lies anymore nor can I live like this anymore. I didn't come home<BR>until after 10 tonight and he waited up for me. A first. He was in a good mood and said he took D shopping for some Christmas presents. Also a first for him to think of doing this on his own. I thought if he tells me the truth I won't say anything, but if he<BR>lies AGAIN I will calmly state my feelings.<P>He lied about video tape, then when I let him know I was aware of truth. He told HALF truth. That was enough. I said I can't live like this anymore, either he gets completely honest and works on this with me or he knows where the door is. He started to get mad and I told him he did not have that right. He said everytime we get together lately our stomachs get nervous. I said, because you lie. And I said this very calmly too. He just looked at me. He said He does NOT have an addiction. But he does. Denial. <P>I told him if he wanted this marriage that there would have to be some changes made. Because I can no longer be lied to. I have always given in to him before and let what bothers me go. Afraid he would despise me. <BR>But I'm tired and if he leaves me because he<BR>wants his porn and fantacy that badly then so be it. He will cheat on me again if he doesn't do something about this habit. He doesn't want me a part of it (porn) and he won't discuss it with me so I feel I have no choice. There is no room for this kind of selfish when it takes so much away from our marriage and family. And that is how is has been and I have been patient. Patiently stupid. <P>So, that's it. He said nothing and went to bed. Don't know what he will do. Right now<BR>I'm too tired to cry. One hour of sleep and<BR>I feel like dracula's worst nightmare. Don't look too good either.

i feel you did the right thing- stated calmly what you need and want for this relationship. i dont see it as a threat- at some time you have to respect yourself enough to stand up. good luck.<BR>i beleive his non-response was a response.

Devastated2<P>In order for you marriage to grow, you BOTH have to understand your partners needs and want to fulfill them. That means that he has to be told and understand that this is a problem in your marriage and want to fix it.<P>You did the right thing. Keep talking, if he'll listen. <P>Hang in there.<P>Lori

Thank you Covenant and Lostva for your replies.<P>C;<P>Yes, it may have sounded like a threat but in a way it is saving my life perserver for me.<BR>If he dosen't want this marriage or me then it is time to end it now. Let me get on with<BR>a life. Doesn't mean I will stop loving him, but I would have to begin the healing somehow. Would be better than getting my hopes up to be torn down in agony again and again. No one can keep living that way.<BR> <BR>And I have allowed this throughout our marriage. It reminds me of dealing with a spoiled child who begs, screams, cries, throws tantrums to get their way. Then when all else fails they try to charm. All in an effort to be selfish. And I have tried EVERYTHING I could think of in this marriage to get him to see me, but I never stuck to tough love. Maybe that is the approach I should take,I thought, because either way him<BR>leaving me or staying and not changing I did<BR>not have a marriage. I did not have someone who consisdered me or my feelings in this. And I cannot live like that. Not only my health but my sanity is at stake here.<P>L;<BR>You are right, we both have to understand what each other needs and wants from this relationship. Right now, I NEED HONESTY. HE wants to continue to get his way. Maybe now he will realize it is time to grow up and be the kind of man I have tried all these years to show him he CAN be. But, I realize I cannot do this for him. He has to decide what he truly wants. But living with a partner who demands and continues to be selfish is and has taken its toll. I have decided what I need to do and have always known what I want. Am I tired of being his doormat. <BR>Don't mean to sound harsh, but I have allowed things to get to this point without realizing it. Sometimes being too good and trusting can backfire. All this time I thought I was doing the right things but all I showed him was he didn't need to work on a marriage. I was doing it for both of us. In other words,<BR>"No matter what, she will fix it." His excuses of not being able to handle anything or look at any problem and deal with it is no more for me. It is time for H to take responsibility for his actions and stop looking to me like a scared child wanting Mommy to do it all for him. I AM NOT HIS MOTHER. I'm not angry here, just wore out from being invisible in this marriage.

Devastated:<P>I feel for you - I too feel that I did "too much" in our marriage and not always the right stuff. <P>You said:<BR> "Decided that I have been too naive and trusting perhaps. I have always loved the idea of marriage and being married and with all the hard work I put into it I ended up spoiling H. I mean I was always there, supportive, and giving him his way when he threw tantrums. Partyly because I wasn't sure if I pushed where it would lead. So to keep peace I would eventually back down. Giving in to his selfishness" <P>You have to remember you are someone who deserves the best. You have made a stance and it will help you become stronger. This marriage (to restate) will only work if you each can meet the others needs. <P>I wish you all the luck - take care of YOU!

I am sorry that you are feeling as bad as you do, but glad that you have decided to put your foot down so to speak. You have every right to demand honesty.<P>I too told my wife a load of half-truth cr@p, and when she busted me with it, she took a rather unique approach... I'm not sure if it would work with your hubby, but I'll tell you about it.<P>She had me strip naked before we talked. Obviously you can't do this everytime, but once she knew I had lied to her, and decided that come hell or high water she was goin to have the truth, she gave me an ultimatum. Either strip naked and join her on the bed and tell her the truth or that was it, the end. <P>Well, it was one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life, but she got the truth. (not the full truth, but enough to start) I almost didn't do it, almost couldn't do it... You should email Dylan about it, get her perspective...<P>As for the porn, I would reccomend you let it go. (or read my reply to your reply under the post "Am I a B^(*&*&" Porn does not cause men to cheat. If anything, IMHO, it helps men satisfy thier own needs, which are not always sexual. If you press him on this, you will not get the results you want, that I can almost guarantee. I certainly can understand his desire to keep his porn private.<P>Deut

In my opinion porn is something that you need to know about and discuss with him. I think you're right to confront him with his lies. In my case porno fueled the "dark secret" aspects of my personality. Just like my lover, porno, drinking, drug & alcohol abuse. All of these were secret things that I used to escape the reality of life. I am learning that "real life," even with it's obvious flaws, is much better and fulfilling than any fantasy. I think you're doing the right thing. Hold fast!

Okay, First, the naked thing made me laugh.<BR>Thanks for the mental image. I'm still laughing....LOL LOL LOL LOLOLLLLLLLLLLl.<P>As to the porn, My problem is that he guards it and protects it more than me or our marriage and has for years. Escape. I can understand that but how about a more constructive hobby and one that does not cause (trying to find the word here) abandonment of others and a marriage. That is what it has done and is still doing. I have talked to him on this and would not have a problem with it if he would be HONEST and not hide it like a secret lover. More time was spent with porn than me and HEY, I have always been willing to participate. I would rather do it than watch, but thats me......<P>If he would give me the chance, I'll fullfill his fantasies. Have always tried to but was rejected. Maybe he was afraid to feel. Fear of true intimacy because if something backfired he would get hurt. Intimacy can be FUN. In the reality sense. Sure, I can understand that some men, maybe all, fantasize about non-emotional sex. We do too, Just in case you didn't know. But I wouldn't go out and have someone just for the experience. It would be empty and leave me feeling empty as well. But men are different<BR>and sometimes just need to release. Sure. But H has never show much of any sexual interest. Low testostrone(did I spell that right)? Maybe he uses it as a sexual stimulation aid. Not quite. Many time he just viewed and went to bed. It is more of an escape from reality and fosters fantacy for him I'm thinking and while I was gone for two weeks he decided to explore the curiousity of it all. His words, "In the back of my mind I kept saying, this is bad,<BR>very bad and I shouldn't be doing this." But he did. I'm no expert on the mind but I think it was the thrill and excitement of doing something forbidden that he enjoyed.<BR>And I told him just be honest about the porn.<BR>You want to watch it don't hide it. I won't get upset. It is when he is lying about it I wonder what else is he hidding.

Just had a thought about my latest post here.<BR>Maybe when I let him know I won't be upset if he is honest about viewing porn it takes the fun out of it for him. He likes doing things that are forbidden and thus gets more of a thrill out of that than anything else.<P>Hmmmm.......This may be the problem. So I act like I don't know what he is doing so he<BR>can enjoy his sneaking viewing porn. But if I do this would it continue to foster thoughts in him of exploring again to step up the thrill of forbidden acts so to speak. <P>Does this make sense to anyone? <BR>

The problem, as I see it, is that you and your husband need to be fulfilling each others needs. Like you said, the thrill of being secret and doing something "bad" is what's getting him off probably not the porn. Tell him you can be bad together. It's worked for me! My wife and I have fooled around in the car like teenagers and had sex in all sorts of crazy places even with 3 children. One big problem with the porn, to me, is that it's just so selfish. I guy watches this stuff while he masturbates, that's the bottom line. It's just a selfish act. If it doesn't make you feel uncomfortable you can tell him you want to watch too but I suspect that'll take all the fun out of it for him. It's the secrecy that's getting him off more than anything else and it's secrecy that will eventually drive a wedge between you and your husband. I can just about promise you that.

Bongo,<P>I totally agree with you. I may print your post for H to read. He defends this action <BR>so much. I really can't see that this habit<BR>to protects is more important than me or this marriage.

Alright, I don't know what is going on with this post thing but my words are not transferring right. When I read it after post it moves my words or deletes them. Anyone else have that problem. I'm not as illiterate as my post sound sometimes. . . Really.