Thanks cjack and Mike. Some really level-headed and excellent advice from everyone in this forum. I hate to think about it cjack, but it is nagging me. Were her tears real, was the apology real, are they staying in contact via her cell phone...I have no way of knowing. Will I drive her away if I don't try to trust her. Lots of questions. <P>I find myself going back and forth about wrecking his life as he has wrecked mine or just letting it go and concentrating on my marriage. I feel alot of pain for my W, that she has to take the brunt of this while he gets to keep his "holyer than thou", "keeper of the finest musical ethics" reputation. I don't understand why he is hiding behind her and letting her take all of this. Shouldn't the coward come forward and apologize to me, her family, my family and HIS FAMILY?! Shouldn't he have to loss some status with his peers and students?! Aren't these the just desserts for these treacherous acts?!<P>Our current prof commented that I am doing a very good job holding these feelings in but it probably is not the healthiest thing to do. Plan A all the way but I must admit, it's tearing me up inside. Phrases from the emails echo in the back of my mind, imagining her cell phone ringing with no answer...me on the other end...them together. Not to mention my memories of him lecturing me about musical values that have real-world implications. Even his admomition that solidified my admiration of him "...if you do the work, I'll always be there for you." <P>My W begged me not to tell his W or colleagues. Unfortunantly, she was talking to a man that was so hurt and angry, she might as well have been talking to the wall.<P>I read some the postings describing the feelings towards OM/OW, feeling the same here.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by anncicero2:<BR><B>Were her tears real, was the apology real, are they staying in contact via her cell phone...I have no way of knowing. Will I drive her away if I don't try to trust her.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE></B><P>There are a lot of threads here about trust. Trust is not granted, it is earned. You have no reason to trust your W right now, in fact, quite the opposite. She has a lot of work to do to rebuild your trust. But that will only happen once she gets through the affair and commits to your marriage. Then, the trust building can start. One way some couples do it is as Harley recommends...an open lifestyle. You have her cell phone records, voicemail codes, email passwords....she accounts for her time on a minute-to-minute, day-to-day basis. It is a process. But you aren't there yet. She has to get over the OM, commit to the marriage, and then start to work on her relationship with you. <P><B>I find myself going back and forth about wrecking his life as he has wrecked mine or just letting it go and concentrating on my marriage.</B><P>Maybe this thought will help you. Perhaps a year from now....your marriage is back, your wife is in love with you and hates him...the two of you bump into each other at some music festival. Maybe you say "By the way, if you ever get within a mile of my wife again, or contact her in anyway, by phone or email, I'm going to fully apprise your wife and your kids and your colleagues of the advantage you took of an infatuated young student. In all honesty....I might just do it anyway. My wife hates your guts for how you used her. So, watch your phones and watch your mail. I might be in touch. I think your wife needs to know."<P>Then...don't. <P>Look, my point is, the best revenge you can have is to hold the sword of Damocles <sp?> over this guy for the rest of his life. <P>Remember, right now, you aren't in the revenge game. You are in the marriage-building game. Exacting this revenge will also sully your wife's reputation, and might just put her out the door. Hold your fire, work on your marriage, let him squirm.<P>Mike<P> <P>[This message has been edited by Mike C2 (edited August 28, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by Mike C2 (edited August 28, 2000).]

"Hold your fire, work on your marriage, let him squirm."<P>Mike<P><BR>Mike-<P>I am sad(and not so sad--depends on the day or hour) to say it is too late. I was furious when I discovered the emails. Many colleagues of my W and myself were told as well as colleagues of the OM. It is likely his W will find out through rumor. Any advice for here on out? She would have to understand how angry and hurt(humiliated) I was. <P>What is bugging me is my gut telling me they are still in contact with each other. Maybe not to "deal" with me but for a number of reasons. "...I want to leave my W and kids for you...lets figure out a way to blunt the emails...", etc. Everyone, including my friends, say I have a right to be suspicious, but will this not push her away? I know, why should I trust her after this. My gut(and much help from everyone here) was right about the A and now it is telling me something else is up. Paranoia? I really would rather be focusing on many other aspects of my life than this.<P>Should I expect her parents to blame me for this? "...I pushed her away...I wasn't caring enough...I didn't make enough money...the interracial thing was never going to work anyway...", etc.?<P>AC2 <P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by anncicero2 (edited August 28, 2000).]

Just Learning-<P>Truely inspiring. Thank you so very much. I will do my best.<P>AC2<BR>

Anyone have any advice on spending a little time apart to think? My W insists on having time away from me so that she can think more clearly about whether there is any reason to save our marriage. She is traveling to Charlotte, SC for an audition (one of their emails talked about meeting in Charlotte at some later date). I know the audition is actually occuring. I have made plans to take a road-trip by myself this weekend. Haven't decided where I'm going. Not even sure which direction. I've always loved road-trips and the time it gives you to think. <P>Any opinions anyone?<P>AC2

Mike [QUOTE]Originally posted by anncicero2:<BR><B>I'm sad(and not so sad--depends on the day or hour) to say it is too late. I was furious when I discovered the emails. Many colleagues of my W and myself were told as well as colleagues of the OM. It is likely his W will find out through rumor. Any advice for here on out?</B><P>Well....button up on the spreading the word (after all, it must be a major LB for your W). You can't change the cards that have been played, and, god knows, none of this strategizing is an exact science. Sometimes what looks like a blunder turns out to be a coup. Maybe his W will hear of it and tear him a new one and he will break it off with your W on his side.<P><B>What is bugging me is my gut telling me they are still in contact with each other.</B><P>Well, until she commits to you to work on your marriage, you can't really control that (or even after, for that matter, but at least at that point she should be ashamed and cooperative in your questions). <P>You need to avoid making precipitious moves, and get into Plan A and be an attractive spouse and an attractive alternative to her for a mate for the next 60 years. Exuding anger, mistrust, and all the other negative vibes will only push her away at this crucial period.<P>You are fortunate to have lostva and JL posting advice in here to you -- the varsity team, Masters of the Universe. Reread their posts, ask them questions. If I were in your position I would be sleeping on Lostva's front porch. Use her wisdom and experience.<P>Hang in there. Events may break your way...think positive thoughts. In terms of the road trip...I think I might say "Look, I know you need to get away, I know from the emails you were going to meet him there, but, please, I'm not asking, I don't want to know, I know you need to work through this, and I'll be here for you and I'll love you."<P>Well, see if you can choke something like that out. You might have to practice in front of a mirror <P>Hang in there!<BR>

Any Advice?<P>Many times this past summer, I would call my W's cell phone and I would only reach her voice mail. I know now that many of those times she was with OM. In the emails I found from the OM they mention meeting in Charleston at some future date. My W is presently in Charleston taking an orchestral audition. Earlier this evening we agreed I would call back later to continue our conversation amd I have been calling since 11pm (it is now 3am). All I reach is her voice mail. <P>Can anyone be so evil as to say the A is over, begin acting lovey-dovey and then kick the betrayed spouse once more? I think I have every right to be suspicious considering what she has done and this is a little too similar to this summer. Also, doesn't make me feel very good that the person she is sharing the hotel room with is not exacting a supporter of our marriage. <P>AC2<p>[This message has been edited by anncicero2 (edited August 31, 2000).]