I just got into it with my mom. She is so mad at me cause of all this. she says how can I want someone that treats me like a F***ING DOG.(her words). She is mad cause I sit at this computer and read and post. She says face it she is not comming back, and I need to get over it. I did not want to have to live with my mom. I have been on my own for nearly ten years.(militaty, and marriage). <P>I helped my W have an abortion, pay her bills. now I'm screwed, and behind. She is PISSED OFF. cause I help her and not my self.<P>I did not ask for this. I dont want this. I WANT MY F***ING LIFE BACK. I dont want to be here on this site(non of us do), or living with my mother.<P>SORRY FOR THIS.<P>SHEBA as for the changes I have made its hard to explain. these are things I do now(iits becoming habit). these are things that when we went to counsoling before she said she needed from me.<BR>1. I show I care(ask)<BR>2. I help around the house<BR>3. I spend more time with the kids <BR>4. I do things for her when she asks(not try to get out of it)<BR>5. give a quick call at work.<BR>6. give complaments.<BR>7. think about her feelings(i try)<BR>8. give the kids baths and feed them<BR>( want to be apart of her family(even though they make me feel uncomfortable)<BR>I think I do all the right things, but she is mad cause I do these things. SHe has told me this.<P>So how about this new approach<P><P>------------------<BR>brownphdt<P>

brownphd -- ALL parents need to learn to allow their children to live their own lives. To make thier own mistakes if necessary. They should be around to help pick up the pieces later if necessary, but they can not make the descions for thier children.<P>When I finally reached the descion that I was going to try and salvage my marriage, I found myself in a position where I basically had to tell my family to stay the hell out. Basically what I did was explain to them what I felt and why. I was very detailed in this as well. I told them what I was going to do, and that if they were willing to help me with that, then great. If not, then as far as I was concerned, they would never hear another word about the subject from me.<P>I was lucky. My family understood my feelings and agreed to help me any way they could. My W and my family get along very well today.<P>Brownphd, as you know you and I have an awful lot in common concerning this infidelity garbage. All I can tell you is that this approach worked for me. I don't know if you would be as successful, but it may be something to consider.<P>God Bless

Today was alright for me.<P>I had to call her to tell her I got the birth certifcates for the baptism this weekend. I made it short, w/ happy voice, and said thanks and have a very nice day.<P>ES- I told her that no matter what happens that I will be her for her, and would help her again.<P>SHEBA HOW ABOUT THAT NEW APPROACH<P>------------------<BR>brownphdt<P>

Brown-<P>Give yourself a break! As far as your mother, she only cares about you and hates to see you hurting.<P>If you are not ready to give up then DON'T!!!<BR>You will know when and if it is time.<P>This is your life and you make your own decisions. But I do suggest more of a plan B attitude. I think you should give it a little distance, for your own benefit if nothing else. Try not to let this run your life, you run your life. Get into something to destract yourself from this some.<P>Genie

Brown, are you now trying to compensate for what you didn't do before in your marriage? Because I think that running yourself ragged trying to please your wife is most likely going to have the opposite effect that you want. She is just going to take you for granted I believe. Maybe a little bit more backing off and letting her be responsible for her own actions?<P>As far as mom goes, I know how that is. But you are an adult, and your mother is seeing your pain and wants to put a quick end to it, and that's why she's reacting like that. Maybe not tell her anymore about what's going on between you and W? I know I probably would say the same thing to my daughter or son if they were going through it. I really do believe though that letting your wife pick up the pieces that's she's broken herself is the best route.

Hey Brown,<P>I get the same thing. My Mom is looking out for me as I would for my children. I get the... How can you ever trust her again? Why do you put yourself through this?<P>Why? Because I love her with all of my heart and soul. No one else on this earth but Val and myself know how we feel. That's why.<P>Give Mom a break she loves you and is looking out for her son.<P>No body WANTS to be here. But I can't think of anywhere else that I would rather be at this time of need than to be surrounded by friends.<P>Take care Buddy, Moms on YOUR side.<BR><P>------------------<BR>"It's not over till we say it's over! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? H*ll no!" Blutto...Animal House 1984<P>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Medic<P>

Thanks for the replys.<P>Mom and I have got our diffrences strait. She knows I love my W. She just hates to see me like this. Just like yall said. My kids are just babys, so I dont have to worry about this YET.<P>As far as the W goes. I knew it would happen. She called and said she was on her way to pick the kids up, and would I be home. I said yes. SHE needed somthing($$$$$$$$$).<P>She wanted a jacket. As long as we were married she never had a nice jacket, and I had told her that I wanted to get her a nice jacket. She found the one she wanted.(leather of course). Cost $150. She told me it cost $75 at first. then the truth came. I asked why dont you just tell me the truth? she said cause if I did you would pay for the whole thing( I would). I gave her $80. I did tell her that this was her christmas. She said " this is a great present from the boys. WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN????<P>I also told her " I got to tell you though. You probably would haved liked the other present better". Just to get a rise out of her. I haddent gotten anything yet.<P>We have the babtism SUN. I'm not gonna call her. I will wait till I see her there.<P>------------------<BR>brownphdt<P>

HELLO SHEBA<P>------------------<BR>brownphdt<P>

brownphd -- Glad to hear that you and your mom are OK. Parents are great aren't they.<P>So how are YOU?<P>God Bless

ES- I'm pretty good. As good as good can be. The main reason my mom is so mad is $$$$$. I keep helping her. H*ll I gave her more tonight(crazy I know). Its near imposible to say no though.<P>I kinda sorta feel as if I have WELCOME on my for head. At least she didnt want me to giver her all the money.<P>I had a metting tonight. and was nervous about it. She did atleast say relax it will be ok. Not much, but simething supportive. Probably on;ly did it cause I gave hr money though. <P>She is the nicest person when she needs somthing. If she would just be this way all the time things would be great.<P>HOW ARE YOU????<P>------------------<BR>brownphdt<P>

Hi Brownphd -<P>Sorry I am late.....got kicked off earlier!!!<P>So what's the deal? <P>Glad to see that you and Mom are friends again!!!! They can be a pain - I know!! but they love us and can't handle seeing us be hurt in any way.....next time she gets riled - don't take it personally. You know what I do? I take her face in my hand and give it a light squeeze and then a kiss and say " I love you, too MOM!!!!" Then she laughs and is calmed down some......try it!!!!!<P>Ok, on to that Wife of yours!!!! Well, alright - but ONLY cuz it's a XMas present!!!!! NO MORE though Brown!! If you want to get out of MOM's then you have to start budgeting!!! When she said from the kids.....well, it's customary for the parents to get the gifts for each other from the kids....you know that. But this Jacket is way to expensive a gift from the children and I would give her the picture from the kids.....<P>She knows it, too and I don't like what she said......to me it seems like she is hinting for something bigger from you OR it could simply be that she has no plans to get you something from herself - so she doesn't want anything from you!!<P>I'm not sure which......<P>Look, I know that it is hard for you to say no to her.....but you know what? YOU HAVE TO!!!! That is part of this also - you have to be the stable one and by giving till you are cash poor - you are not being very responsible as a father and husband now - are you? That isn't showing her a good quality now - is it?<P>She is of a frame of mind where ....well, she has no mind!!! Totally, irresponsible - especially with the finances as we have witnessed!!!! So, what are you going to do? Continue to enable her delusions that she's rich and can have whatever she wants? Not very smart........what happens if the kids need something? You have to put their needs above all else!!!! That means having some sort of savings....don't have that and you won't if you keep this up!!!!<P>You can't buy her love....you know that and I don't think you would want that KIND of love given to you!!!!<P>OK - enough preaching!!!! LOL!!!<P>Just STOP GIVING HER MONEY, etc.!!!<P>Now, on to your new approach.....<P>I see that most things from counseling were based on attention and participation!!!! Those are toughies to do when she has decided to take advantage of you.....<P>I think that just by backing off some and not jumping and calling and doing for her all the time will still get enough through to her about your strides in changing your old ways....<P>Your best way to show her is with the children!!! Stay consistant with the schedule for them and take care of them well and she will see that you have improved from before.......<P>Don't forget....TIME!!!! PATIENCE!!!<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

SHEBA thanks. no more money, not alot anyway.<P>I'm backing off. she will have to come to me. I know her, and she will get mad at me for not calling. thinking I have found some one,she will start telling me dont let my kids around that stuff.<P>She has done this before. when she has thought I was seeing some body<P>------------------<BR>brownphdt<P>

Well, this time it's different!!<P>Don't forget that you TOLD her you would back off and give her time.....<P>You are simply doing that!!!! You don't want to go back on your word, right?<P>Her thinking would be wrong if she acted like you describe.......<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

Brownphdt;<P>I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. It is not surprising for a parent to take that tone, because they see THEIR child getting hurt and can Really do nothing about it and they wish they could. I for one have never told my parents nor do I intend to because I know what I will hear. NO THANKS.<P>They (my parents) are wonderful people but of course they would not want to see my hurt and would feel the need to protect me somehow. chalk it up to the roll of being a parent.<P>Concerning your story, I don't know that much. Read your post, but did you cheat or her? Either way, you must not forget YOU in<BR>all this muck. I did say, okay, MUCK.<P>(Thank goodness).........<P>Anyway, if you could give me more background<BR>here. I do see you are suffering and she seems to have given up because you waited too <BR>long to change. It is Never to late to change. Hesitated a moment to say the word,<BR>Never, because I have heard, "I will Never do this again." Well....... But seriously, pray and God will speak to your heart if you listen. And pray for W to hear him as well.<P>Best to you, and prayers....<BR> <P><BR>

Sheba, she would be wrong. Her mend is weird though. she thinks one way and does what she dont want me doing.<P>devastated. Its a very long story. She cheated, we split up, affair ended. still split up. has new OM, got pregnant, had abortion(i paid), OM diffrent race,now has new OM(couple i think)says I waited to long, you will be the same, the way you are is fake, started talking good again, now not so good. up and down, up and down<P>This is a brief summary<P>------------------<BR>brownphdt<P>

Oh Man! What a story even though breif I get the point. <P>She is VERY confused to say the least here.<BR>I don't mean to sound harsh but it might be a good idea to back way off for a while and concentrate on You for a while. A cleaning of your own closet so to speak. By looking at who you are as a person will help you to become stronger in order to deal with this mess. You can and will get through this but please don't be her doormat. It's difficult at times when you feel so wrapped up in the love you want, need and have for someone. But take a look at you and take care of you and those children, I assume you have more than one. <P>You will respect yourself more and so will they when they see the kind of stable person you have become. Doesn't sound like W is right now. She is in LALA land somewhere. As for you, get hold of YOU and TAKE CONTROL of what you have control over. PRAY for strength. Everyone is here for you.

Brown, I am new here and I certainly do not want to overstep BUT I really would like to know more about your situation. First I will tell you I am a BW so I understand alot your heartache. I can FEEL the pain in your posts and my heart just goes out to you. It is a terrible thing to live each minute not knowing that all you want is your family together and also knowing that you don't have alot control of what will happen next. From what I have read your W has really put you through the ringer and you still LOVE her very much and you are doing everything you can to show her that. I would love to know a few more details if I can...I know she had OM, then left, had new OM had abortion (you paid for it), now has another new OM (or more) and you are having to live with your Mom (who hates seeing you suffer), your wife isn't giving you much to hang on. Questions....Who has the children? If you do, does she give any $$ toward theri care?, How old are you guys and the kids? How long have you been married, How long did you know each other and so on....I really am interested.