has anyone here ever made a widows/widowers list?? Thinking of all the things they would miss about their spouses if they were to die today???

ThornedRose,<P>No. Do you think that it would be <BR>theraputic? Are you thinking of doing it to show to him so he knows how you feel, or to determine whether or not you could live without him?

No, but I've been wondering what my H's answer would be if I asked him this:<P>"If I died tomorrow, would you have any regrets?"<P>Guess I'm too chicken to ask....

Lists, lists, lists--don'tcha just love 'em!<P>"Why do you want to stay married?" lists, "widow/widower" lists, "Things you love about your spouse" lists--they're all the same thing, aren't they? But look at the kind of responses you get by the way you word your thread!! <P>These are just affirmations for yourself, to keep you going strong, right? Nothing wrong with that. They're great for printing up and keeping in your pocket when you hit those dips in the rollercoaster or great for framing when you are in plan B!<P>And some of us also need to hear it from our spouses. But it's not everyone's emotional need. If it is, and you're in recovery, you may have to POJA to get it. If you're in Plan A/or Plan B--you may be in for quite a wait... <P>So go ahead, ThornedRose--what is it you love about your spouse?

Stillpraying..it's more for me to think about<BR>what it is that I would actually miss if he <BR>wasn't around anymore..(not that he's here physically, or Emotionally as it is)<P>It's not necessarily what I love about him..<BR>because right now the only things that I'd miss are the paycheck..and being able to stay <BR>home w/ my kids...<P><BR>

ThornedRose,<P>Hey, try and cheer up a little, k?<P>I knew that's what you were doing and it sounds as if you're getting very close to severing your emotional ties with him. I'm sure that between him and your other therapy, your're having a very tough time right now.<P>Just remember that things will work out for the better eventually, they always seem to. Put you life in the hands of a higher power and ask for guidance. Ever see the poem about one set of footprints? There may only be one set in your life for awhile. Don't dwell too much, tomorrow is a new day. Tell you kids that you love them and try and relax.<P>However tough it may be, always remember that every day is a gift. That's why they call it "the present".

StillPraying, <P>thanks for the encouragement..<BR>I am at my wits end here..and the more I heal with the other..the more I am ready to just<BR>end it all..and move forward without him..<BR>because the more I see the truth about the<BR>relationship from the very begininng..and the reasons for ever getting married..weren't the right ones..

ThornedRose,<P>Well, you saw my post about the spouse in recovery possibly leaving the other behind, and that will happen if things don't change.<P>You mention looking back at the past and the reasons for getting married. You are obviously doing some soul searching. From what I've seen, it will be very difficult for you to look back and see the good in him or the reasons why you married him. You, in many ways, ARE in the same shoes as my wife. From past experiences, to the ways that we have failed as husbands. I must tell you, I find it very difficult to offer you sound advice that goes against what I want her to do. They say that the Lord works in strange ways, and I can't help but acknowledge that I am learning a tremendous amount of what she's feeling by listening to you, and I admit that it scares me.<BR>I guess that if I could offer her any advice openly, it would be to take a long hard look back at the marriage. Just because it seems bad now, that doesn't mean that it has always been that way. It's easy to only remeber the bad times or the way that he failed you. Think about whether or not there was true love involved in the beginning, not whether or not it appears to have faded now. Think about the initial attraction, the good qualities. Remember the good times and all the fun that's been shared. If there were true feelings in the beginning, and if there was a guarantee that those feelings and good times could come back, would you still want him?<P>

Oh this is the meanest thing that I have said in a long time, but I am having a bad day and the kid refuses to go to bed while the Power Puff Girls are on. . .<P>Okay, I can just imagine my husband's funeral. He's a Marine, right? So they put the stud muffin in a box and give him a 21 gun salute, and then some young guys come over to hand me the flag to take home. And 3 or 4 other women are reaching for it, including the main squeeze, Meow-Meow, the pouty-looking teenager he found lounging by the swimming pool in the apt. complex, and the huge, blubbery trailor-trash-blonde cyber-sex partner he has in Australia.<P>Do they have trailor houses in Australia, or is this Yank phenomenon, mate?<P>That's about as far as I can get past his funeral today, I am sorry for my stinky post.

Berzini, it's okay...I understand..I Haven't veiwed the funeral..just how he'd die..at work and alone..<P>StillPraying...don't give up on her..I see from your other posts that your at least willing to TALK..my h doesn't even do that..<BR>I ask him questions..and get NO response<BR>or I get I'm just a simple man..or I'm not that intellegent..or I don't know..<P>Here's an example of one of our conversations..something simple..so "I" thought!! <P>What is hope to you?? I don't know..<P>If You had to know what hope was what would it be?? I don't know what you mean, what are you getting at??<P>If someone at worked asked You what Hope was to you what would say?? Umm...I don't know..<BR>I guess the light at the end of the tunnel...<BR>Okay...what do you see as the light at the end of the tunnel?? I don't know..<P>And I have I had tried to look at the good as well as the bad..and well..the bad has outweighed the good..since he's not here..<P>Okay...we've gone camping twice..it rained..<BR>gone fishing..He was drinking..<BR>family kite flying..he complained the kids<BR>couldn't hold the kites right to get them up..<BR>Canoe trips..were fun..especially when dad and step-mom, half bro and sis..sank their canoe..right after they put it in the river..<P>going to the lake..when the oldest was a baby..but that was b4 we were married..and I was in the process of the first divorce..<P>listening to him sing..and play the guitar<BR>(which he hasn't done in a long time, even when I try and encourage him too)<BR>He quit that after we married..and he took the job away from home..see thats been our problem since we got married..3 months into the marriage..he left..went to work for another company and has been gone since..<P>So there hasn't been time to build the memories to look back on..that most couples have..<P><BR>

Just a short response, as I need to get up in 4-5 hours.<P>She always used to want to know what I was thinking-not anymore.<P>She also used to want me to play the guitar, she loves the blues, I quit that also.<P>We have had some very goog memories over the years.<P>My dad just again told me why to have hope-she stayed in her 1st marriage for 12 unhappy years, probably because of the kids, her low self-esteem, and he was controlling. She stayed with me for 10 tears with no permanent ties such as children, so there must have been a reason, even if she's been unhappy for the last year or so. I also haven't done anything outside the marriage to throw a lack of trust or comittment into it. He's also telling me what I already know about leaving her alone-after we see each other and have a decent time, it takes her a day or two to come off the emotional high and start to miss me again, me only giving her 1-3 days before I initiate contact isn't helping her to be alone. This is so very difficult. I've had contact with her every day for 11 years, but I must convince myself to do it. I've also spent a tremendous amount of time working on myself, and I want to show her the new me. She also said when she left that she needs to fall in love with me again, and being a guy I'm ready to fix it.<P>Hope is looking towards the future with enthusiasm as you know that all of your dreams will be fulfilled. If you don't feel that there will be time to build those memories, then you've lost hope.<P>Sorry to ramble in your thread.

Oh, Still Praying--you play blues????<P>I think one of my most cherished memories is of my husband playing guitar for me one night. I'll never forget.<P>I was pregnant and grouchy (you know how a girl gets) feeling huge, bloated, hot and miserable. I wanted to cry about how much I weighed--I dunno, I just wanted to cry! So, I griping at my husband, and it was one of those times where he didn't gripe back.<P>He used to play blues, very well. But the only guitar in the house was my little gut-string Spanish guitar. He grabbed it and came into the bedroom where I was laying across the foot of the bed, fuming, and started singing this goofy song. Of your typical blues genre. Only he was a little rusty. The guitar sounded horrible--those "thundering" chords just didn't come out too well.<P>To make it even more interesting, the dalmation next door would let out a loud, agonized howl after every line in the song. It seemed to fit. Pretty soon, we were rolling with laughter--and he was STILL trying to sing and play guitar, while the dog howled.<P>Okay, I guess I can see past his funeral today.

to bernzini,<P>Not to make too big a deal about it, but there are people on this board who live in "trailers." I once had a boss who referred to an employee he didn't like as "trailer trash" (he didn't know where she lived, the term just seemed to fit in his mind; it never occurred to him that I lived in a trailer because I was a "nice" person).<P>Other that that, I adore your great sense of humor. The term just hits a nerve that's all.<P>p.

Hey, I have lived in a trailer myself--actually, it was the nicest place I have ever lived. It was an adorable little house--I worked hard to fix it up and make it pretty with second hand furniture, plants and flowers. The neighbors weren't all that great, but I got good locks on the doors and I didn't have to pay any attention to them.<P>Trailer Trash--those are the folks on the Jerry Springer show that never made it past the 9th grade and didn't want to. Like my first husband. You know:<P>"He don't never send me no child support even the 1st and 4th are his."<P>or<P>"She done slept with all three of my brothers and my daddy. So I aint paying no child support."<P>BAM! POW! SLAP!<P>Now, I saw my husband's cybersex partner in Australia--I think she lives in Northern Territory. Yuck. She's nasty. Now, if there are trailers in Australia, she lives in one. It's a figure of speech. Not to slam any one particular class of person--cuz, hey. I'm poor, too, and getting poorer by the minute. But at least I don't prostitute myself on-line.