I need advice from whoever has any tips or suggestions, either books, online, personal experience, doesn't matter.<P>Right now, after 2 months of separation, I need to learn how to have a productive conversation with my wife again. I know, it should come natural. I feel that this is the best way for me to start fulfilling her love tank, and possible open up her feelings and emotions to me again. What's Harley say, 15 hours of conversation a week?<P>Of course, the problem is that she's emotionally withdrawn, so it's hard to get her to talk, and I sure don't want someone else to step in right now and fix that for me!! Conversation leads directly to emotions, right ladies?<P>I think I clam up or something when we are together, almost like a performance issue. Either that, or I can't stand the silence, so I start yappin'. And when I start yappin' I ask alot of questions without waiting for answers, must be a nervous thing. I also realize that listening to a man has a tendency to bore a woman. I know to ask alot of questions, get details, but what about when she gives short direct answers. Or when I ask how it makes her feel, I get a "you know." If I tell her that I don't know, I'm afraid she'll come back with a "Well, if you cared about me, you'd know." Man, this is tough.<P>Ladies, if you were in her situation, would you find it easier to open up over the phone? Is it dumb to ask what you're favorite song is right now? Who's the artist? Have you heard any of their/his/her other songs? When's the last time you saw so and so? And how is she? Is she still seeing what's his face? Is she happy with him? Does she know that you decided to walk out of my life thinking only of yourself? How's she feel about you throwing away our marriage? Wait, I think I went in the wrong direction there..... Anyway, is there actually anything that I could ask her that she would find absolutely stupid, I mean in terms of general conversation? Like about sales and stuff? If your H was trying to communicate and asked you something stupid, would he at least get an "A" for effort?<P>For some reason, I can be a chatty-Cathy on the phone, but clam up in person. For instance, last night my niece came over so I could look at her car and do some of the maintenance this weekend. She has always been tough for anyone to talk to, not just me. Saturday, I talked to her on the phone for over an hour, alot of it was trying to be compassionate as her parents are also going through what we are, but 15 minutes after she got her, I clammed. I ended up talking to her for almost 2 hours, can't even really remember about what. Maybe I need some real-life practice. Maybe I'll call my step-daughter and see if she can come over and talk. And my sister-in-law. I'll tell 'em what I'm tryin' to accomplish, and I'm sure they'd be glad to help.<P>Thanks for at least reading my stupid post.<P>Hey, wait a minute, I know, where's that 900# I had, they seem to like to talk. <BR>

Still Praying -<P>I had to laugh when I read your post. . .My H is a "chatty cathy." He can talk to anyone about anything at any given time. He's in sales . . .But it's not like he's pushy or anything, and I think it's a part of his personality - he generally enjoys talking to people, listening to them. He's a very good conversationalist because he does ask questions and expresses general concern and interest in what the person is saying. Me, I get glossy-eyed when someone says more than a sentence to me. I talk on the phone all day and intereact with people non-stop at work, so when I get home, I don't feel like talking on the phone.<P>I don't mind visiting with people, but I'm the type of person that listens and speaks when I have something to say. My H on the other hand is a great person to start conversations. Somtimes he's goofy, sometimes, I don't feel like answering his silly questions (some of them are silly, trust me). Anyway, I think it's alright to talk about any subject, you just need to know who you're speaking with - are they like me a "cut to the chase" type person or are they more like my H and could talk about the evolution of grass for two hours straight.<P>For work, I recently took a course on Facilitation, and I actually use some of the things I learn in my daily conversations with my H - we sometimes have difficulties in communication (I'll think I've said something when he didn't hear what I thought I said or something like that). Anyway, here are some tips from that class, maybe they'll help:<P>One of the keys to good communication is listening - We think musch faster than we talk. The average rate of speech for most people is around 125 words per minute. This is slow going for the human brain, which can absorb about 350-500 words per minute. When we listen, we continue thinking at high speed, while the spoken words arrive at a slow speed. Thus we can listen and still have time for thinking. (The key is not to become distracted by your own thoughts, or jump ahead to what you think the other person is going to say, just try to focus on what they are saying). Awareness of this point really did help me - I found that I was completing my H's thoughts - before he was done talking, I was interruppting him, I didn't ask questions when I was confused about something. On the other side, I thought I was saying things that in fact I was only thinking (kind of like Homer Simpson, I got confused and thought I said something when I was only thinking it. . .)<P>Tips for listening - Stop talking and listen to the speaker; empathsize with the speaker; ask questions; don't interrupt; concentrate on what the speaker is saying; leave your emotions behind; control your anger; get rid of distractions; get the main points; react to ideas, not the person; don't argue mentally with the other person; listen to how something is said; don't antagonize the speaker; avoid jumping to assumptions; avoid hasty judgments; don't be too quick to solve the problem; and if need be summarize what you heard the speaker say or paraphrase to make sure that you understand what they are saying.<P>I know that sounds really goofy, but if it works in the office maybe it'll work at home. I know it recently worked for my H and I. We had a disagreement on where we wanted to go, we both wanted to do the same things, but we had trouble communicating. It was weird. I ended up saying "Where do you want to go" - he'd answer - then I said "What I'm hearing is that you want to do this that and the other, is that right?" <P>I'm a detail person, so I needed clarification, it really did work to help iron out those things we THOUGHT we both understood. Anyway, enough about listening - you wanted to know about what to talk about or how to get started.<P>Tips for asking effective questions - What is going on? How do you feel about that? Could you be more specific? What would you prefer? What is the best or worst that could happen? What happened? How do you feel about that? Were there any surprises? What would you have done differently or the same? What does that mean to you? How was that good or bad? How might it have been different? What did you learn from that? Does that remind you of anything? What would you like to do with that? What might you do to help/hinder yourself? How could you make it better?If you had it to do over again, what would you do?<P>Again, those types of questions can be applied to work situations, but I think they can also be used in normal everyday conversation - because it shows that you are interested in what is happening with the other person, what they are feeling, etc. . .<P>If you are trying to start conversations, I don't think you have to have an agenda, just talk about what comes naturally. Sometimes you need to talk about what happened in your relationship, maybe you can talk about what can make it better, what are her expectations? I think you can also talk about everyday things - hey did you see that survivor sho - what would you do with a million bucks??? That kind of stuff, just be curious and interested in the other person. Don't put pressure on yourself to tak about "just the right thing?" I think you'll do fine.<P>Anyway, hope this helps.

SKM,<BR>Very nice reply. Thank you, it was very informative. Actually, I'm printing it out right now so that I can take it with me the next time I see her and use it as a cheat sheet. LOL.<P>I will probably read this several times in order to absorb all the info.<P>Again, <BR>Thank you.<BR>