I need to have my spirits lifted. Called H last night and he said he would continue counseling. This is good news and I am happy, but I would be happier if he would stop seeing OW.<P>Our last session was DIFFICULT to say the least, and at the end he said he had to think whether he wanted to continue or not. He wanted a couple of days to think about, so I left him alone except for an email in which I reminded him of why he agreed to counseling. So, while I prepared to hear, "No" when I called him, I was elated when he said, "Yes." Tried to make plans for the Labor Day weekend, but he already made plans for it except for Monday. So, we made plans for Monday night, but I don't feel like going now cause I'm sure sometime of the weekend he is seeing OW. <P>So, I am getting weary of the roller coaster ride. I'm going away (visit family) for the long weekend and I don't know if I will want to see him when I return Monday morning. What does this mean? <P>I love him with all my heart and I miss him terribly. I'm still crying often, not eating, and it's been 4 months since he moved out. His rent lease ends at the end of October, and I want him to move home! <P>Help me stay positive, cause I'm exhausted in every way possible!

Hi Many Tears:<P>So many lost souls tonight getting lost in the shuffle. Sorry. I know you're tired of all this. We all are...but you know it comes and goes...and tomorrow is another day.<BR>We've all been where you are and it is discouraging...in fact, it's up and down from week to week and day to day. And I've been at it for five years, off and on.<P>Please don't get too discouraged...four months is not that long compared to how long others have been here. And remember you are not just waiting for your H to come home...you are working on making yourself a better person and a better marriage partner...this remake won't be done overnight either if it is for real...so give it some more time on both sides.<P>After all it takes time for changes to be recognized and acknowledged by your H and time to accept that they are really changes that will last and not just for the moment.<P>Take it from me that coming back before it is time can be worse then never coming back at all.<P>Give the Lord the time he needs to work a miracle through you and your husband. <P>Buffy

I know Buffy is getting tired of my dittos, but she's right in saying taking him back before it's the right time is worse than his never coming back at all...<P>This is where I am right now, I believe H came home way to early and may resent it now, b/c he came home before he had come out of the fog and still had contact w/ OW.<P>It is so hard to want them home and know they are not ready... God I hated those nights and days so much. Well, he's home and guess what?, I wish he weren't. This is miserable. One day good, two days bad,etc.<P>Don't put yourself in this position, time will help you immensely. Trust me, it is hard to do, but you can't rush this process. I did and I regret it so much now.<P>Sincerely<BR>Cathy

Tears -<P>I just wanted to let you know how bad I feel for you. I think all you and your H need is a little time - the fact that he agreed to continue counseling - for whatever reason is a good thing. Try to hang in there. As for Monday, if you don't feel up to seeing him, I wouldn't push yourself into doing something you may not be ready for emotionally. Be good to yourself, treat yourself well and you'll be okay.<P>I know it's hard and your in a lot of pain right now, but everything will work out for the best - whatever that may be. You just need to be sure to take care of yourself. My thoughts and prayers are with you both.

I share that lost feeling. And I have to agree with the above posts regarding giving it more time.... Remember, time, patience!!!<P><BR>I also whole heartedly agree with not wishing them home before they are ready.<P>I was very much where you were at 4 months... My H was coming and going when it worked for him and we were OK as long as we didn't discuss either relationship.<P>Reactionary as I am, I felt like running, and I think I was. I kept trying to at least have some back up plan in case it got to be too much for me.... so I was looking for places for me and the kids to go.<P>I think my H felt pressured and he agreed to counseling. (he is in individual counseling, but he agreed to Marr.counseling) But I do not think he was ready. On the way to the counselor we had a nice conversation, and then when we got in there he reverted to the"fog" or "possession" and basically refused to discuss anything... even saying that everything I said bugged him.<P>I felt manipulated...but realized that he was just not ready yet.<P>I backed away... My H was still denying a "relationship" at least physical with OP.<P> I worried about backing away, yet now, given my new circumstances, I know that backing away allowed me to gain a new perspective and a lot of inner strength.<P>During the month of June and July I simply stayed to myself... taking care of the kids.. I read a lot. Particularly anything spirtitual. I went to the book store and bought spiritual/religious books ranging from what I would concider the fundamental... like Joyce meyers on Rejection. Mother Theresa, St. Francis... to philosophers (Eckhart() views on religion and the Word of God. It all brought me to a new place...in my faith and to the Bible, which has become my great source of strength.<P>I jumped into the frying pan by registering for a very difficult course to try to reestablish some sort of career. <P>I've discovered a lot about myself and actually my children. For me, this is truly what Plan A has been about.<P>Now I am faced with Ow's pregnancy. <P>I look back over the past 8 months and cannot believe I am at this place. <P>I have no idea what is going to happen. I just know that I am at a much more prepared place for dealing with all of this. What is going to happen is going to affect so many people for the rest of their lives.<P>I think if you go to counseling... try not to push. Don't ask anything about ow. Just focus on what's going on in his mind. Try not to get defensive. Don't expect too much while he is confused and in the fog.<P>I don't know about your situation, but mine is extremely visible. They are coworkers. Everyone knows. We live in a small town. They have a high profile job. It has called for such inner resources that I know my prayers have been answered with regard to that.<P>So, I know how you feel. Lost. But you are not. We are all on the same journey. Hang on tight.

Buffy, Cathy, SKM, and Tootrusting,<P>Thank you, I know you are all right. You speak from experience, and you are whom I need to hear from. I usually do alright except when I see them together. The OW lives in the next building, and yesterday I saw them running together. I'm usually very strong, until something like that.<P>I'll try to remember that too early isn't good, not to push!<P>It's difficult to not talk about the OW when we are together. He seems to get it from the other side, too. He says that every week they have similar discussions, about him and me. I'm going to try very hard not to talk about OW, and not give any power over me! Since he says he doesn't love, she shouldn't be a threat to me right? What I can't understand is, why does he still see then?<P>Does anyone have a clue on this?<P>Tootrusting--<BR>My heart goes out to you, a baby?! I don't know how you're dealing with it, but you must be a strong woman. Hugs, hugs, hugs!<P>Buffy--<BR>I know 4 months seems brief, but I know you understand it seems like forever when you're feeling tortured. I just want it to stop! <P>Cathy--<BR>Reading your description of when your H came home too early...I could really feel your torment. I'm so sorry, hope things are getting better.<P>SKM--<BR>You're right about counseling. I should focus on the positives, and that H is still wanting to go to counseling with me. Thanks for the reminders.<P>Hope you have a great Labor Day weekend! Do something for yourself, right?! Be well, all of you....Many Tears