Lor,<P>I think our h are in the same place. <P>They want to be home but they don't. <P>They are confused and feel guilty about everything they have done.<P>In your case, h ex-roommate is now dating ow so their relationship must be over. Reality is hitting him square in the head. He got scared he was losing you,didn't have her, just didn't like military housing and most probably the fog lifted for a few days and he remembered that you are his wife and somewhere deep down he really loves you. Maybe he's scared of what counseling will bring out in him?<P>My h is the same way as you know except your h at least makes an effort to communicate. Mine makes none. He has made many promises to talk to me about where we are going, when he will move his things home etc. but those promises are forgotten as soon as they pass his lips. I am living in limbo land. I can't even call our situation a separation as he is here every weekend and six out of seven nights. He just doesn't sleep here.<P>As for the ow, I don't know. If he's seeing her she's getting the short end of the stick as he's mostly with us when not at work. <P><BR>There is a part of me that wants to believe that he is now going through a mid life crisis. He just doesn't know what he wants. He wants to be home but doesn't so he leaves every night around 9PM to go to his apt. He goes to work in the morning and comes back to us after work only to leave a few hours later. He still says he is coming home but won't commit to when or explain why he hasn't.<P>His lifestyle in his apt is totally different than in our home. When I have been there it is imaculate. As soon as one of the boys have finished eating or drinking something he's scooped it up and put it in the trash. At our house I pick up after both him and the kids. <P>I just don't get it. He won't communicate with me about his feelings. Believe me I have tried. He just keeps putting me off. It's like he's just having to deal with everything he's done in his own way.<P>Now that ow is possibly out of the picture for both of us (in my case I'm not positive), do you think that all the guilt has triggered midlife crisis and now we have to deal with that toooooooo.....???!!!!!<P>Hoping

Hoping, I've been dealing with this as a midlife crisis long since before I knew about the affair. A great resource YOUR HUSBAND'S MIDLIFE CRISIS by Conway. Pretty much Plan A, but it tells you things like don't feel bad if he just drops in at the house and then leaves and gives you the reasons why. (I'd tell you, but I don't know where my copy is at the moment.)<P>My H is dealing with major guilt.<P>I'm dealing with fear, anger, and no trust. <P>The two combine very badly, but we had what I thought was a great session with our counselor this morning. Got to go to work now, but I hope to get back & share--after I find out what H thought.<P>Best, <P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P><BR>

hi hoping,<BR>just barging in here....<BR>by the way....i shot an email to ya but didn't hear back....did ya get it? <P>Honestly, as long as I didn't drive him away and just showed him that wonderful side (almost always ) I really don't think we'd be where we are today....unless he'd been ready. Harley told me along time ago in our early sessions (I had 4) that it was going to take 1- me, meeting his needs and 2- him being open to accept the possibility of being in love again.<P>It sounds like you are meeting his needs yet, he, like my hub (probably Lors' too) is still just sitting on the fence. <P>When I look back at the stages we went thru...I can now say that there were steps that I didn't recognize as anything but were really a slow opening of his thoughts and his heart. <P>Remember my reader ? She called me on the fact that although I was trying to communicate she said I made it too easy for him to not really pay attention to me....she encouraged me to not talk to him unless we were both going to focus on each other and look as well as touch each other while we were talking. It's been one month and it's far easier now than 30 days ago. Now...I can't sit next to him w/out him putting his arm around me, holding my hand for a moment or longer or him looking at me. After so much distance and time (9mos.) The mental and physical separation became the norm.<P>All these things became possible when he verbally said our marriage was in his future. 30 days ago, that opened the door to say....ok then....these are elements that I need.....and blah;,blah, blah <P>Too wordy, I know, but I so vividly remember being together yet, very separate. Definitely not a good feeling....my heart goes out to ya. I hope this helps, \<BR>-Tina<BR>