Its been a little over one year since my husband's cyber affair. I have given it my all and I even started trusting him again.<P>A little over a month ago dh got a new laptop for work. The laptop had to been sent in for repair. It came back and there was half naked women on the screen and in saved files.<P>When I confronted him he lied. He continued to lie for close to 3 days. <BR>I can't take it anymore. It seems like when I try all I do is get kicked in the stomach.<P>He says he loves me but if he does why does he lie.<P>I have had it. I love him but I don't want to be seen as a doormat.<BR>I am not happy. I haven't been happy for a long time. He even admits that he hasn't see me laugh or smile for ages.<P>I just don't know what to do anymore.<P>I am just ready to say "bye"<P>Help!!

Dear dk,<P>I've read a lot on these forums about cyber-affairs, and while I have not had this experience (my H had a real life 2 year affair) and I hate to appear less than understanding, but may I just say here that men love to look at pictures of naked women. Simple as that.<P>After what you have gone through it must be a huge trigger for you to find something like this. Yeah, it's crappy, but men have been buying Playboy's by the thousands for many years. Hefner knew what he was doing, tapping into a very lucrative market. Never saw Playgirl doing all that well did we?<P>I guess you have to ask yourself if this is something you can live with. If this behaviour means that he is going farther with it and actually chatting with women then I have to agree that he is way out of line. I kinda think that if they're looking at porn it's a little safer than actually going for the real thing. You'll probably think I'm nuts, but I bought my H a VCR and an adult film for his apartment. I'd rather have him there than out looking for the real thing.<P>The bigger issue here, as usual for us, is the lying. Isn't it funny that it comes down to that as being the thing that hurts the most. Don't catch your H in lies, don't set him up to tell you more lies. If you need to confront him with something you found, state that you have found it, and that it is unacceptable to you. If you set him up with..."well honey, just what have you been downloading on the computer?"...he's gonna lie. It's human nature. Sad but true. If you honestly told him what you found and how upsetting it is to you...maybe he will "get it" a bit easier and come clean.<P>Since these men were very little boys society has worked on their libido with naughty bits of information to get their attention. That part of a lot of men (sorry guys) just doesn't grow up. Men are totally visual and that's not gonna change...ever. You may just have to accept him looking at those kind of pictures, but absolutley not accept him taking it a step farther into real life.<P>allison<BR>