My lover and I just ended a very passionate affair this last week. The hurt and sorrow is immense on both sides. We realize that as long as I choose to do "the right thing" and keep my family intact, our relationship would become more and more painful. This was a mutual decision, although my attempts to assuage my guilt by not engaging in sexual activity and showing her affection that way was a major love-buster for her, contributing to the breakup of the affair. It just became too painful for her to share me with my wife, and it was too painful for me to live a double life.<BR>My wife and I are seeking counseling. This whole situation is an emotional minefield.<BR>To the point: I work in direct contact with this woman 1 hour a day as our shifts overlap. I cannot change shifts or move to a new job. We have to co-exist. So how do I get through withdrawal? Anyone else experience this kind of situation? Other than avoiding her as much as possible, what else can I do to make this less painful? Any advice would be appreciated.<BR>Rockaway

rockaway,<P><BR>First of all...<P><B>CONGRATULATIONS</B>...<P>You've done the first step...<P>Now... there are a lot more... small steps to go.<P>1. Does your W know about the affair...<BR>...if not... you'll have to work on how you will tell her<P>2. Evaluate the "goals" your couselor comes up with.... Do they fit into the MB concepts?... Are they directed at "behavioral changes"?...<P>3. As far as "direct contact" with the OW...<BR>...you'll have to fill your mind with new thoughts....<BR>...along the lines of... "How do I follow"...<BR><LI> <B><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3902_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>The Rule of Protection:</A></B> Avoid being the cause of your spouse's unhappiness.<BR><LI> <B><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3901_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>The Rule of Care:</A></B> Meet your spouse's most important <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>.<BR><LI> <B><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3904_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>The Rule of Time:</A></B> Take time to give your spouse undivided attention.<BR><LI> <B><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3903_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>The Rule of Honesty:</A></B> Be totally open and honest with your spouse.<P>If the direct contact with the OW continues...<BR>mantras on "Honesty... to your W..."<BR>need to fill your head non-stop!<P>Prayers for you... <P>...it might not hurt to have "prayer time"... for you and your W too... <P> <P>Jim

Rockaway -<P>NSR gave you some good advice. I am a WS - so I know what you are going through. Have you told your W about the A? For me, this was the toughest part of ending the affair. There is a lot of information on this site, so read all that you can, but my greatest source of strength (through withdrawl, through all the guilty feelings, through all the remorse) has been my H.<P>So, I am one of the WSs who believe in total honesty with your spouse. Once the affair is out in the open, your wife will go through a lot of pain. It really is a difficult thing for both of you, but I think it's necessary in order to rebuild your marriage - to be happy in marriage and to truly love your s and be loved by her. <P>Once you and your wife come to terms that the affair occurred, I think you both can began to deal with the aftermath. For me, I think the biggest thing that helped my H get through the infidelity (he had no idea that I was having an A) was that I confided in him. For me, I had to confide in him. Up until the A, I never had any secrets from him. He was the one person I could be completely honest with. During the A, I was lying and cheating all over the place. I really couldn't stand that aspect of my life. I loved my H, so I don't know why the A occurred in the first place. I just knew that I needed to end it, and I knew I couldn't keep it a secret from my H.<P>I got several books on infidelity and that helped me a lot - on how to handle the break up of the affair - what to do, etc. . . Some of the books I read were: "Infidelity: Your complete survivor's guide" by E. Gough; "Surving an Affair," by Harley; and "His need, her needs" by Harley. While those books didn't help me TELL my H about the affair - they all have helped us deal with the aftermath quite a bit.<P>For me and for a lot of couples, complete honesty is the key. When I told my H about the affair, I told him that I truly regretted it, didn't know how it started, but that I loved him and that I wanted us to work things out. He thought that he was going to lose me, but I assured him that I had no intention of leaving - I wanted to try and work it out. I think by confiding in him (versus having the affair discovered) it gave him the indication - that yes, I lied and cheated in the past, but here I am being completely honest. I had nothing to lose by being honest and trying to work things out. I had everything to lose if the affair continued or if I continued to lie about it.<P>This is a difficult path you have chosen to take - but it's the right choice and you can even end up with a better marriage than what you started with. But it takes a lot of hard work and patience. For me, the hardest part was telling my H. Withdrawl was not a cake walk either, but whenever I had thoughts about the OM, I would focus on my H; I would focus on the things that I would stand to lose; I would focus on the faults of the OM (and recognize that he did have them). In my mind, I made a mental list of all the qualities I was looking for in a H, and you know what? My H already had those qualities - the OM had only 2-3 of those things I had listed. During withdrawl, you really need to see the OP for who they really are, would things have been any better with them? Probably not.<P>While I never had to work with the OM, I thought about him constantly (at the beginning). I wanted to call him all the time, or see him. Do anything to take your mind off the OW - focus on your w and family, come on this site and post your feelings, talk a walk, get a soda, take up a new hobby, talk to your wife. . . <P>For me, when ever I got the urge to email or call the OM, I'd come on this site and post or just read had people were living through this mess. I'd read about how much pain these situations cause families - but I also read insipring stories - stories where the couples were really making it.<P>My H and I have been in recovery 5 months, and I won't gaurantee that everything will be perfect, but it does get better. You have to take it one day at a time. For me, the process has occurred in little steps -<P>1. Sought spiritual counseling/forgiveness<BR>2. Confided in H about affair and asked for my H's forgiveness (and received it)<BR>3. Broke all contact with the OM (No contact for 2 months)<BR>4. OM calls - 1 month of contact (BIG MISTAKE - I almost ended up going down the wrong path, but my H's loving kindness steered me back home)<BR>5. Broke all contact - again - no contact for 2 months so far.<P>During withdrawl, you have to take one day at a time. It is very similar to an alcoholic not taking another drink - that's why so many people recommend counseling. For me, it started out as taking it one minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time, one week at a time, one month at a time. When I went to work, I would pat myself on the back for making it through one day without talking or seeing the OM. Then, when I worked up to a week, I would treat myself to something special - little rewards for little steps. While I emailed the OP two months ago, I've been lucky - I haven't seen him for over 5 months. . .and our A only lasted that long. I'm beginning to forget what he even looks like. If I saw him on the street, I don't know if I would even recognize him.<P>I read in one of my books that it generally takes over two years for couple to recover from infidelity - but it CAN happen. I really do feel more in love with my H now than on the day that I married him. But it takes baby steps - you both need to work through the difficult times. And I guess that's why it's so important - at least from my point of view - that your w knows about the affair. I know it's tough, and you think it will be tough on her, but there really is no easy way out of this mess. If you are truly committed to TRYING to work things out, I think that is the first step.<P>I think you've done really well - ending the affair. If nothing else, you realize what you could stand to lose by continuing the A. Now, you just need to direct your attention from the OP to your W. It's hard, and I still have thoughts about the OM - but the difference is, I no longer want to act on those thoughts. I really don't have that urge to contact the OM, or to leave my H. But it takes time.<P>I wish you the best of luck. My thoughts and prayers are with you. . .Just take it one day at a time, and feel free to post to me if you have any other questions. I think, by far, this is the most difficult thing I've ever had to deal with in my life. Even though I did a horrible thing, I know that I can't hide from it and let it eat me up inside. I choose to learn from this experience and grow as a person. I was the one who chose to have an affair. And now, I have the opportunity to chose the way in which I will deal with all of this. I have control over my life again - while during the affair, I never thought I had any control. You can get through this, too, and so can your w. Just take it slowly and be patient. <P>Take care and God bless . .