Well, we got through BIL's wedding. It was a killer. My H was the best man and his toast to his brother and the bride brought tears to my eyes. He said that now all of the brothers (5) are married men and he was so proud of his baby brother. All of my H's family knows we are seperated, so it was hard to know how uncomfortable all of this made my H. I hope my H was as sincere as he seemed. H did not take communion for the first time in the 24 years I've been with him in church. I thought this was a wise decision, at least he is not in denial of his actions.<P>The wedding was so hard on my 14yo dtr. She left sobbing when my H did the toast, and again when H and I danced together. She tends to not be in touch with her feelings, so in a way it was good that she allowed herself to feel..but watching her dad and I dance to a slow lovely song was too much for her to take.<P>H and I spent the night alone in a hotel room that night...kids were farmed out to aunts and uncles houses. This may fall under the category of "too much information", but we...and I hate to get my hopes up too much...really made love for the first time in ages. He held me for so long and really "saw " me. Unbelieveable. Yes, we've been intimate several times during our seperation, but this was different.<P>I hate to get my hopes up too much, because every time I do something terrible happens. He is still one confused man. Last night all of his out of town relatives were coming over to see the house and kids before they left to go back home, and H called and asked me if I needed him to be here. I said nope...I had it under control. Well, an hour later here was H. Helping me clean up the house and the yard...could not stand it that all of his aunts and uncles would be here and he would not. It was really a great gesture.<P>So...still on the rollercoaster ride...still hoping for the best and expecting the worst...still wondering what the heck is going on in that thick skull of his. <P>We go to Retrouvaille next weekend (gulp). I can't believe he is going to go with me...he said that if he gets one thing out of the weekend that it will be worth it...so please pray for us...I hope so much that it will be the thing that really turns him back to life.<P>This is all just so scary.<P>allison<P>

Oh Allison, It sounds like you might be truly on your way. I will say a prayer and have been following your posts and know it has been a tough road. Good luck I'll be thinking about you.<P> Kris

Hi Allison it sounds like things are looking up. I know about getting you hopes up, It seems as if when we do getr our hopes up we get the carpet ripped away from us. I will keep you in my prayers that this will not happen to you or I or anyone else. Its been a hard raod, but things are looking up.<P>Michelle

Allison, how long did you say your H has been confused???? How long have you been married?????? How old is he???????? Is he a typical conflict avoider that just "gave out"???????<P>I'm just wondering. Sometimes I lurk on the MLC board of the DB website. Puts a lot of things into perspective for the MLCer.<P>BTW...sounds like a wonderful time together. Yeah, I'd be afraid to trust the good stuff.. Heck, at this point I'm afraid to trust anything...<P>I can only imagine what you mean re: the intimacy. I haven't "felt" my H since the beginning of november (last). The times we have been intimate since have not "felt" at all the same. Kind of like I had the plague or worse, that he would be cheating with ME on the OW! yuck!!!<P>Keep up the good work. It's great to read some positive stuff here.

Thanks you guys...<P>This is such a scary time for me for some reason that I really can't put my finger on. I feel like he is seeing straight, but just beginning to. He looks better...but still seems sad. He has seen over the last few weeks how close I have become to his family, and while that makes him a bit crazy, I think it really says a lot. They love him, and they love me too...so while he is glad for that it makes him feel somewhat stuck.<P>Your encouragement means the world to me. You know, there is not one person that I could pick up the phone and tell these things to. I have a few dear freinds, but they just don't get it like you guys do.<P>TooTrusting...I wish I could tell you how long my husband has been confused. At the point of discovery he said he had been unhappy and confused for 10 years of our 19 year marriage. This has changed constantly. Wish I could have tape recorded the changes because they are kinda funny in a way. Ten years turned to seven...then three. The latest total...6 months, which is ridiculous because his affair lasted two years. So who the hell knows, surely not even him.<P>H is 48 years old...we've been married 19 years and dated for four years before then! Yes, he is a conflict avoider which is part of what got us here in the first place. I don't really understand what you mean by "gave out". Could you clear that up for me.<P>You and I tootrusting are fighting battles that are very similar. We are married to very intelligent confused men. You know what the difference is??? I found out about my H's affair after it was over. I didn't have to go through the angst of knowing he was with her. Yep, it sucks that he lied for so very long...but I'm kinda glad I was clueless while he was screwing her. It may interest you to know that OW is a Doctor.<P>Got kinda crude there...sorry.<P>TooTrusting, of everyone on this board I find myself thinking about you the most. I always read your posts. You have changed so much since you started posting. You seem to have gotten a handle on your anger. It amuses me that OW is so insecure to think you are having her followed. OC or not, eventually your H will see who has the most class here, and she will become nothing more than a weight around his neck.<P>Well, ranting again. Thanks for the positive thoughts guys. I will pray for all of you guys too...I do every night.<P>allison

Oh, Allison - I know exactly what you mean... you may have read what is capping off this latest episode of hopefulness for me ... "I'm seeing a lawyer about divorce."<P>Mine, too had been acting warm and I had felt closer to him than I had in a long time... nothing like having the rug pulled out from underneath you, huh?<P>I don't want to make you paranoid, but with conflict avoiders, sometimes when things seem good, they scare themselves and do something stupid that separates us even more... As NSR said to me, lower your expectations to keep your head on straight.<P>I do wish you the best ... as I wish all of us here!<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Allison, The reason I asked about time and age is because I always seem to read months of confusion related to years married. Doesn't make sense to me but.... thought I'd throw that out.<P>But the "giving out".. what I mean by that is a "giver snap". When I described my H's "condition" to sHarley the first time, he said his take on the MLC or MLdepression is a "giver snap". More common to those conflict avoiders who are also in professions where they give, give, give. <P>The type of pts my H sees (majority) are very sick..., don't do well a lot of the time (aneurisms, brain tumors) or have lots of pain..that surgery doesn't always work on. <P>My H has always been one of these guys that will spend an hour on the phone with a patient or his/her family in the middle of the night. I always marveled at that. But then he'd get up and obsess about what was wrong. He was always worrying about work "stuff". I used to tell him his patients have "big" problems that can't always be fixed... but he seems to be a perfectionist also.<P>Plus, the conflicts at work... he avoided. Plus he was always showing up at the kids events at night and helping me cart them around. My friends were always amazed. I always appreciated it ...believe me. <P>Just prior to the trip he seemed to be getting more irritable towards the kids. He didn't seem to WANT to give them a bath or read to them. They bugged him and apparently so did I.<P>Harley says... taker takes over for these people and they get "addicted" to a hobby (for H it was hockey), profession (he became a workaholic) and a person who may be very good (0r very sneaky) in meeting his needs. He saw OP as an escape. All of her "missionary" work. Bleech! The antimaterialism bond!!!!<P>Harley still gave it the same time frame. I mean I can sense my H's disatisfaction with his life. But I don't think it is all me, or all the kids.<P>What I did think though, is that OP thought it was ME!!! She just had weaved her way into his life as a friend, ingratiating coworker, etc. and comes across so bold... made herself seem altruistic and like the only one who could understand him! HA!<P>And yes, you are right, I have changed a lot.<P>I'll never ever be the same person again. I gave a lot of myself up for this relationship. But I also had issues and insecurites, like most of us... to deal with. Not to bore you with the details but both of my parents died in the beginning of my marraige. My mother became ill right after my dad died and it was a horrible year and one half of trying to deal with it all along with my new marraige, my 2 very young children and moving..for the 3rd time since I married. Anyway, counseling has helped me there.<P>Also, I have come to a much different place regarding my faith. When this all started, I read and read and read. Started with the psych books by Jung (very good stuff regarding facing the shadow... or the negative side of yourself). Then I moved on to the spiritual.. Read everything from what I would concider the fundamental (Joyce Meyers..) to Francis of Assisi, Mother Theresa, etc. etc. I even read "How God Can and Will Save Your Marraige". (which BTW is a great book... really gets you to open your eyes regarding what the bible says about your vows, your marraige, being a wife, trust, doubt, faith etcl)<P>I can't say I have much anger. Unfortunately, I am pretty detached though. I'm not sure whether that is good or bad for my marraige, but it is good for me and the kids.<P>I have somehow turned this into my journey as well. <P>You are right about our H's. And I think they are too smart for their own good (IQ wise)... <P>My H has been here a lot since the revelation. Actually every day since friday. I see him acting differently towards the kids. I am glad. A little more like his previous self... but not completely relaxed or patient. But better. <P>I have no idea what that means. He is quiet towards me. I know better than to begin talking at this point. Just little stuff about the kids. I see the "possessed" look less in his eyes. The weird plastic smiles almost never. THere is no physical contact between us. I wonder what's in there.<P>But I know he has to figure it all out himself. If and when he needs me, I'll be here. He has a lot to deal with. <P>Also, I wanted to tell you, my H kept changeing his story about the time of unhappiness. The latest I heard was two years... Plus he admitted not telling me, and that it coincided with the crisis at work!!!<P>Yuck... Ow is an MD????? Is she married????

Dear AZ Allison,<P>I am so happy your weekend went just as I thought it would, being with family really helps H see or consider what he is doing.<P>I knew you would connect in a special way and I'm so thrilled!<P>Cathy

Hi Az Allison,<P>I'm so happy to hear that the weekend went well. You have a lot to be UP about and I also understand your wanting to be cautious, too. This roller coaster ride is the pits.<P>I come here when I can, but work takes up so much of my time that I can't post as much as I want to. But, I do keep tabs on a few of you. I had to change my username, because I thought I saw an OW story that was similar to what was going on in my life. Scary, so I decided not to take any chances and register with another user name.<P>You wrote back to me when I needed help with a first date with H back in July. Things aren't looking up, we started counseling but he still is seeing OW. We have another session today, but I don't know how it is going to go. <P>Do you know where that website is for MLC that Tootrusting referred to? I'd like to see it and read what they say about it. I've been trying to find a site, but haven't found anything worth a dime! <P>Hope you remember me, anyway, many blessings to you. Good luck!

MLC site is Michele-weiner-Davis DivorceBusters.