H has NOT got a clue, doesn't care if he EVER gets a clue, and I'm FED UP! Yes, I have lovebusted big time, for the first time in a YEAR , and he just plain ol' doesn't give a s*** about how I feel or what I need!<P>Oh, he LOVES me....but I'm supposed to just meekly take what he's willing to give, which ain't much.<P>Like I told him, He did the crime, but I'm doing the time.<P>It's over. I still love him, but I'm not willing to go the rest of my life with whatever crumbs he wants to toss at me.<P>I can't go into it now, as I'm way to upset. I'll post back later, when I have better control of myself.

Hey Sweetpea,<BR>Are you OK? Sometimes I wonder if some of these men are capable of what we learn to expect from them. I wonder if my H would be able to learn and grow and be part of a more fulfilling marriage.<BR>I'm sorry your H can't or won't give you what you need. Want to join me in plan B? <BR>Lora

Hey Sweetpea,<P>Okay, it's always easier to see things from the outside so I'll tell you what I think may help you.<P>I say you stop paying attention to your H's activities with Cafe Woman, but at the same time continue to Plan A him when you can. <P>You need to take care of you and work on you. Getting strong ... and most of getting strong is understanding you and what went wrong in your relationship that caused this. <P>I know you're trying very hard, I know. I see it in your post that you're trying to use the "Infidelity Filter" by ignoring his actions but they're still weighing on you to the degree that you're ready to throw your hands up and walk.<P>He obviously is not going to completely cut off from OW. He is playing the game and taking it as far as he can being a "Cake Man". <P>Please try to step back from the whirlwind of the hurt, Hon. Try to concentrate on you, let your H be curious why you're feeling so calm and at peace. Make him wonder why you're not following him around and keeping tabs on his every move. I know this is so easy to give someone this advice, and putting it into action is a very hard thing to do.<P>But I think you have it in you. I think you can start getting more introspective and become a mystery to your H. He will enjoy chasing you for a change. I really see in your post that he does not want to loose you, so make him do a little work.<P>This Cafe Broad knows what she's doing, AND she knows it's driving you crazy. She is manipulating you and your H. STOP letting her do that. Don't give her your power, Sweetpea!<P>Just do it as an experiment ... next time you suspect your H is taking off to see this Sleazoid, just be a SWEET PEA and say "bye bye", it may take a couple of those kinda reactions, but I bet after a few times of being indifferent about his visits to her and still being SWEET, he'll start wondering what the heck you're up to.<P>I'm sorry you're so frustrated. I really am. I know what you're going thru, it feels like you're being tortured in your own home by the person you love the most. But I have faith you can stand up, dust yourself off and get back into the game.<P>Please be well, Sweetpea. And most of all be strong. You're worth so much more, make him work for it!<P>Jo<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited September 04, 2000).]

Hi Sweetpea:<P>Don't know what has happened but it probably is not as bad as you think it is. I reread your earlier post about OW putting her hands on your H's arm (shoulder, can't remember which) and it struck me that "Cafe woman" thinks this is a game. Now that says a lot for her doesn't it...breaking up a marriage is little more then a game to her.<P>Why are you still playing...and on her turf? Don't stoop to her level. Remember you're the wife...not another OW in competition with her. <P>Evidently your H is still going there because she's supplying an EN (most likely admiration) big-time. If you're doing an effective Plan A then he should gradually begin to lessen his need for her because he's getting what he needs at home.<P>Also make no mistake, he's enjoying this and it's hard to let go of something that you're enjoying. After all he has two women fighting over him, what man wouldn't love that.<P>Call a stop to this now. If you let him know that you love him and are more than willing to supply his needs at home but are not willing to let him indulge himself at your expense, then at some point he must make the choice of what is more important to him.<P>You are too good a woman to mud-wrestle with some OW in the back room of some bar. There is no competition unless you allow one in your mind. <P>Take Resilent's advise...turn the table and let him wonder about you for a change.<P>Buffy

SP,<P>I know you posted this before our chat. Do you think it's time for plan B yet?<P>You don't have to decide now, just think about it.<P>Just coming from someone who cares how others feel.

OK, I'm still up. H, of course, has gone to bed....in the grandkids' bedroom. After the blowup, he went to sleep in his recliner. Tells you how upset he was, huh? <P>Lora, I'm planning a modified Plan B (see my letter I posted and let me know what you think). When H said that we just needed to get a divorce, I told him that he could file for the divorce, and he said, "No, you file."<P>Jo and Buffy, H called off whatever was going on 2 years ago, after our confrontation. He says that he has never had anything going with Cafe Woman, but my gut tells me differently. Too much stuff going on about her at the time.<P>I don't run around checking on him. Tried that 2 years ago, but in this small town, it's hard to get away with. Anyway, he works out of the truck for most of the day, while I'm stuck in the office, so he could be anywhere.<P>No, I saw his truck at the cafe twice last week when I was on my way to somewhere else. The first time, I let it slide. The second time, I just went in and acted like everything was fine. I guess that over a year of playacting like everything is fine has worn thin on me. <P>I have never said one word to Cafe Broad (love the name, Jo! ) about anything to do with my H. She generally tries to avoid me. I'm sure, though, that my H has told her that I suspect them of having an affair.<P>Today's blowup? Well, H has been complaining of pain in his side for the past few days, so I took him to the ER this morning. Just before we left, he told me that I needed to get my original wedding band resized and wear it. Now, he knows full well that I do NOT want to wear it again. He even bought me a new diamond band for Christmas, although he refuses to renew our vows. Anyway, I told him no, I don't want to. He asked, "Why don't you want to wear it? (DUH!!!!) Well, I didn't think that was the place to get into it, so I just said, "I don't feel like it. Besides, you bought me the new one." He kept on, and I just said, "I don't feel like wearing it anymore."<BR>I got a little teary, so I excused myself to go to the restroom and wipe my eyes.<P>I was quiet on the way home, and he asked me what I was PO'd about. He said that I had been acting PO'd for a couple of months now. Gee, I thought I was just being quiet and not LBing! I told him that I was just tired.<P>We got home and ate the ribs we bought on the way. I fixed myself a couple of screwdrivers and went to our bedroom to watch TV. I was too prone to bust out bawling to sit in the den with him. He came in and laid down on the bed for a minute, asking what I was watching. I told him that I hadn't found anything worth watching yet. He got up and went back to the den. After a while, I got up and went to the kitchen. He came in and said, "Well, I'll just get out of your life. I'm sorry I've made your life miserable."<P>Well, things just escalated from there. Those two screwdrivers were pretty stiff, and I guess I just lost it.<P>He said that the fact that he was here ought to be proof enough that he loved me. I told him that I felt like he was only here out of obligation.<P>He threw it up to me that I went out to smoke a cigarette the other day when he was waiting in another ER (for the same thing), but I did NOT throw it up to him that he left me alone (and went back to work) at the hospital when I was repeatedly throwing up and passing out with a 105 degree fever from a poisonous spider bite. I did apologize to him for going out for the 10 minutes I was gone.<P>He says that the only reason I thought he was cheating was because my best friend probably told me he was. Apparently, I don't have a brain in my head, according to him!<P>I told him that I thought I was being a good wife by not objecting to his doing whatever the hell he wanted to do, but that it didn't work, because he still cheated!<P>I told him that I do not FEEL loved, other than like an old shoe or something.<P>I told him that I am hurt because he doesn't want to remarry me. He wanted to know why it was so important to remarry. I told him because the vows he made had been broken, and I need NEW ones. I told him that the reason I couldn't wear the ring was because the ring was a symbol of those vows. I tried wearing it on my pinkie the other day, but it hurt too much to look at it.<P>He did not deny that he doesn't want to remarry me. I told him that I thought I had something that I would never have again. He said, "You can have it again." ????? How can I have a faithful husband who has never cheated on me again???<P>I gotta go. He just got up and I'm getting upset. More later.<P>