Does anyone know of any good anger management materials? I'm trying hard to forgive my wife for her two long term affairs(1979-1982)<BR>and (1996-1999) which were caused by me being emotionally withdrawn and my pornography addiction(in recovery now). But lately I've been having a harder and harder time with sudden rage. The saddest part of this is that the biggest fights have been about things that happened 10 to 20 years ago.<P>Also I've got a problem with negotiation. Two years ago my wife bought my 19 year old daughter an $11,000 car directly against my wishes. We had negotated a solution where I sold some stock paid off the car and transferred the title into my now 21 year daughters name with my wife a lien holder to prevent my daughters boyfriend(a major jerk, who in jail right now - good place for him) from talking her into doing anything stupid like taking out a loan on the car. The payback was supposed to be that my wife would then put 25% of her earnings into a joint retirement fund. Since this agreement was made, we have jointly decided that my wife should stay and home and babysit my daughters 2 year old son. I love having my wife at home but am now feeling like she slipped out of her end of the deal on the daughters car. Any ideas on a new compensation from my wife now that she has no income?<P>------------------<BR><p>[This message has been edited by sadboy (edited September 06, 2000).]

sadboy,<P>Compensation is not part of the equation of "care" and "protection"...<BR>...you need to really forgive...<P>Check out...<P><B>Web sites..</B><BR><A HREF="http://www.divorcebusting.com/forumlinks4.html" TARGET=_blank>Forgiveness is a Gift You Give Yourself</A><BR><A HREF="http://forgivenessweb.com" TARGET=_blank>The Forgiveness Web</A><P><B>Books...</B><BR><OL TYPE=1><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/034541344X" TARGET=_blank><B>The Art of Forgiving :</B> When You Need to Forgive and Don't Know How</A> by Lewis B. Smedes <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0060674318" TARGET=_blank><B>Forgive and Forget </B>: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve</A> by Lewis B. Smedes <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0785282556" TARGET=_blank><B>The Choosing to Forgive Workbook</B></A> by Les Carter, Frank Minirth <BR></OL><BR><B>Anger Management:</B><BR><OL TYPE=1><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0806509376" TARGET=_blank><B>Anger : How to Live With and Without It</B></A> by Albert Ellis <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1879237970" TARGET=_blank><B>Angry All the Time :</B> An Emergency Guide to Anger Control</A> by Ron Potter-Efron, Ronald T. Potter-Efron <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0800786467" TARGET=_blank><B>Getting the Best of Your Anger</B></A> by Les Carter <BR></OL><P><B>Links to posts...</B><BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/000076.html" TARGET=_blank>Can I forgive?????</A>…..indy032…..1/31/2000<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/003319.html" TARGET=_blank>Forgiveness.....</A>…..just_me…..6/5/2000<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/006615.html" TARGET=_blank>How to rebuild my spouse's trust?</A>…..redman…..8/23/1999<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/000274.html" TARGET=_blank>Things my husband did to rebuild trust</A>…..HGBrawner…..3/17/2000<P> <P>Jim<BR>

Thanks Jim for all the resources. I do think that I may have confused you by posting two separate and distinct issues at the same time.<P>I do not expect any compensation for the affairs. I'm looking for ways to deal with my anger about that.<P>In the case the negotiated settlement with respect to the daughters car. That was a I give this(payoff the car) and she gives the other thing(contribute to our retirement). Now that she is no longer working I feel like the original contract is broken and would like to find another form of compensation so that I can feel good about this.<P>Hope that clears things up.<P>------------------<BR>

One more thing: I have been trying really hard to forgive and really want to forgive and at the consious level think that I have. What bothers me is the attacks of serious rage when I have when we start fighting about anything. This leads me to think that at the subconsious level that forgiveness has not yet occurred.<P>------------------<BR>

sadboy,<P>I don't think I was confused...<P>...asking compensation isn't a healing action...<BR>...nor an act of forgivenss...<P>To heal from all of this...<BR>...forgiveness of self must come first...<BR>...then forgiveness of the spouse.<P>...giving up the "car"/"retirement" issue... is a good first step to healing...<P>What is really important...<BR>...the "money"?<BR>...or the "marriage"?<P> <P>Jim

I did get the whole idea of if I give you this and you give me the other thing we have a deal we can both live with directly from 'Give and Take'. Clearly the marriage is by far the most important. But this is our first BIG attempt at finding solutions to problems by joint agreement. Now I'm left feeling that I made a good faith agreement and was left holding the bag. Note that we did use joint agreement in deciding that my wife should stay home and take care of the family(grandson especially, but I'm a big winner in this also). I was just hoping that someone out there would have any ideas for something that my wife could do(not involving money) to substitute for her part of the original agreement regarding our daughters car!

Sadboy<P>I am going to be frank with you, you are nitpicking. You stated that you and your wife <B>jointly</B> decided that she would help your D by babysitting while D works. The thing here is that in doing that decision <B>together</B>, you and she jointly threw out the car payback agreement. If you were afraid that the money would not paid to the retirement acct, then you should not have agreed to let her watch the child. <P>Give and take is not always 50-50. You should know that. Sometimes you give, and other times she gives. Try not to keep score--I know where of I speak. You only set yourself up for disapointment and frustration if you keep score. This sets off your anger and then nothing is good enough.<P>The facts are: 1)you gave your daughter a gift of a paid off car and 2) your W is giving her gift of child care to same D. I think it is pretty even in the giving dept.<P>Did you think that in the future, when the child enters school, your W may get another job and return to the 25%? Did you think ahead, and give her the benefit of the doubt? <P>And for heaven sake, do not go to her now and say "I have a new deal for you" and throw my idea at her, just keep your door open on that, and see what happens.

The facts are: I told my wife in no uncertain terms that there would be BIG trouble if she bought my daughter a car! She did it anyway! Not only did she buy her a car she bought an $11,000 car!!! This was a major problem for us along with HER affairs!!!! We came up with a solution of I pay off the car and she puts 25% of her income in retirement. Yes changing the agreement to let her stay at home and watch the grandson did change that and I did agree to the change. But lets be real clear here I gave up $11,000 of our retirement to pay for her mistake and get to PAY again to help my DAMN daughter some more!!!!!<P>------------------<BR>

Sad boy-<P>I am sorry . I know this is such a crappy situation for you. You feel taken advantage of. You seem to be upset at D too, have you let her know how you feel?<P>I am sorry I was so terse in the last message, but I had bad news today, the OW is back and i guess I looked at your situation a little too clinically. I do when I am this angry. <P>As I do, you come to this web site for advice and support, I should have kept my sorry a** out of it while I was feeling mean.<P>Forgive me. <P>B

It's OK, burnedspouse. I've been a bit upset lately myself. Yes my daughter has been a bit of a problem. Three years ago she fell in 'love' with the worst creep I've ever met in my whole life. Then in spite of the fact that she definitely knew about birth control she got pregnant with him. My wife bought her the car so that she would have a way to get around with the baby without having to borrow my wife's car all the time. This was done expressly against my wishes. The promise from my daughter and [censored](her boyfriend) was that they would pay for the car. Needless to say when I paid it off 2 months ago, out of 23 months we had only recieved 7 car payments and 3 insurance payments. [censored] seems incapable of working in the three years I've known him he's had 15 to 20 different jobs and worked a grand total of maybe 60 days. Usually he gets fired after 2 or 3 days, but once he managed to stay on a job for almost 2 weeks.<P>------------------<BR>