dMac -- I've been thinking this over and maybe I don't have much to add to what I said on the "miserable" post.<P>During the summer when W first brought up buying her own place, she had mentioned that she had thought about this even before OM. She thought that it would be nice to have some kind of sanctuary to escape <B>everyone</B> once in a while for a short time. When I thought it over, I realized that even I had fantasized about being able to do that once in a great while. There is a difference in just checking into a hotel room and staying in a place that belongs to you.<P>She had indicated that she felt pretty strongly about this, but that she felt handicapped by finances. That's when I originally offered to re-finance the house. At that time, her name and mortgage responsibility would not have necessarily been removed. Once the divorce was filed and W's therapist was becoming successful in driving a wedge between W and I, the refinancing issue came up again because W wanted to find her own place and move out. Now I don't want even crazy people throwing away her money, so if she was moving out she might as well buy a place. More real-life in ways I think, just because there is more responsibility. You just can't call the super when the pipes are clogged, etc. And as far as OM is concerned, all that is necessary for him is a bed or other piece of horizontal furniture, so for him apartment or house doesn't matter.<P>Other than increased indebtedness to the tune of half the equity, it really isn't dramatically increased financial risk. We have been living off my salary alone for the past five years anyway. W's salary was used for house down-payment, landscaping, upgrades, etc.<P>At this point, even W's attorney thinks that re-fi is a good idea and he even encourages it. He says it's just one big thing to get out of the way early.<P>So that's it. It was started in an effort to show support for W's feelings, which at the outset, seemed valid. I'm trying to be a good guy here. Retracting the offer to re-fi at this point would only succeed in driving the final wedge between us. This puppy is rolling down the hill and nothing can stop it.......Hope this makes it more understandable for y'all....

Hi HP,<P>Gotcha. Your situation is pretty complex. So, I understand your conclusions given the original intended path re: the second house. As usual, your logic sound. Kinda hard to go back down that road now that the deal's been offered. Even if for reasons that have changed.<P>But here's what a bunch of us reacted to. I think we were concerned that by making it easier for her to leave, even if it's non-confrontational, that you ARE participating in the dissolution of your relationship. In contrast, many of the other betrayeds here choose the approach of resisting divorce in any way. Again, I want to ask, how much have you two talked about it? I'm trying to understand, knowing that your situation's different than most.<P>You may very well be right. Your marriage may be headed for breakup. And, I do understand the desire to keep things civil if it does. Just can't help but ask tho'...are you somehow making it too easy for her to rationalize leaving? Fits into her little insanity? Just asking.

Hi, dMac...I once started down the path of attempting to resist divorce. Once this fall, during one of those short times when things were relatively good, I told her that in some period of time(a month I think), that if I thought we were doing well, that I was going to withdraw my petition as long as she felt the same way. She hit the ceiling, yelling "What!!! Don't I have any say in this? How in the world can you something like this without my input?" I was taken aback since I had qualified my statement with a reference to how she might feel. Any resistance I put up to the divorce results in more anger and distance between us.<P>Maybe I am making it easier for her, but I can't see how making more difficult(in our case, anyway) will do anything but generate more anger, hard feelings and resentment. I'm really not sure about this....<P>Thanks for your input...It's nice to hear from someone well-grounded(rather than hearing the voice inside my head) once in a while...<p>[This message has been edited by Heartpain (edited December 09, 1999).]

Hertpain,<P>Thanks for the explanation about the refinance. I do understand that you are doing this to try to support her needs.<P>Wow, that was a strong reaction on her part about your offer to withdraw the petition. She wants her freedom right now and nothing is going to stop her. Maybe in the long run she will return. My H's B and SIL were married a long time and D'ed for one year and then remarried 8 or 9 years ago. Also, about 5 weeks ago, Imet a couple who had been married many years, D'ed for 5 years witht he Wa ctually being married to someone else in that time, and then she D'ed H#2 and remarried H#1. They have been remarrried for 4 - 5 years.<P>It can happen - you probably know someone it HAS happened to. Our S's want their freedom to run out into the world and see for themselves whether or not the grass is greener. On first pass, they like wht they see. But, can it be sustained?????????????<P>Roll Me Away<BR><P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>