Hi All,<P>Well this weekend I made some important decisions. I am moving out of the house and renting one. Found a nice one this morning so thats already done. I decided to quit my second job. I figure what good is life if you work 70 hrs a week. I'm going to sell my 98 chrysler and buy a much cheaper car. I live in a small town so I don't need a great car. I'm seeing a lawyer to start divorce proceedings next week. I feel much more at peace today. I felt so lost and confused but now I feel more sure of myself. I called H last night and left a message on his voicemail. I told him pretty much what I just told you. He called me this morning right away and told me he still loved me and missed me terribly but that he still feels something is missing in our relationship. I told him that I will never be able to feel for him the way I did again. I don't trust or respect him. I told him I will always love him and that I want him to always be apart of my life somehow I just can't be married to him anymore. He is coming over tonight and we are going to work out the details of what we are going to do about the house ect. Getting along and solving problems together have never been our problem. So hopefully we can agree on everything and make this a fast friendly divorce. The kids need that so much. My brother and his wife did the same thing. She cheated on him and after a short seperation they got divorced. They remain close friends to this day even though they are both remarried and have other kids. Thier kids are very happy and well adjusted. My hope is that hopefully I can say the same for my kids after all is said and done. <P>H also told me he is not happy with OW. Said maybe right now in his life nobody will make him happy and he just needs to spend some time living alone. That little relationship didn't last long now did it. <P>Thanks for listening to the rambling! <P>Jill

Crazy o What-<P>I hope you are okay. You sound as if you have found some peace at last. I know this is not what you wanted at first, but sometimes it is the only thing left to save ourselves.<P>Good luck.<P>B

Thanks B I'm not as together as I portray but I'm getting there. The evenings are the worst. I do know now that divorce is the only way. (God, it hurts to even type the word divorce.) I still love him so much it hurts. It hurts to see him self distruct like this and to know I can't stop it. If he were a alcoholic or someother form of addict I would know what I'm up against. Instead he is a man who for some reason has totaly lost his way. It isn't even about the OW anymore. Its about him and his search for the perfect life a life that I don't feel exists. <P>If I didn't have three kids I might stick this out but I do have three kids who are all teenagers and they know how hard I tried. I don't want them to learn from this that it is ok to treat your spouses and children like this. I want them to see that there is always consequences to every action. I want them to see me walk away from this with my pride and dignity in tack. I want them to see that I can still love and care for their Dad even after all he has put me through but just not be married to him anymore. <P>I know I'm rambling again. I've just got alot going through my head tonight and nobody to talk to.<P>Jill<p>[This message has been edited by crazy or what? (edited September 05, 2000).]

Hi,<P>It is about him, not about you. You have done all you can to keep the marriage vows and the marriage.<P>You must be an amazing person too, much better than I can ever be. I would never be able to love a man who turns his back on me and the children.<P>You also have a sound mind and wisdom. You have reassessed your priorities and taken care of living within a different budget.<P>You have put your children first in wanting a friendship with your STBX.<P>I salute your strength and resolve under very trying circumstances. I can feel your heartache and disappointment and reluctance to see the end of your marriage. I can feel your sadness and mixed feelings about going forth on your own now. <P>I pray that your future is bright and your life joyful. Gradually, the pain will dim and the tears will dry. And as you see your lovely children all grown up, well adjusted and caring, you know you were given such amazing strength and fortitude to go the ditance. Your life is fulfilling and well lived.<P>My best wishes to you.<BR>God bles you and your children.<BR>Take care<BR>weep

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Jill}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>You have mail.<P>Love,<P>Lori