Well, the next few months are gonna be crap for me (nothing like positive thinking, huh?). Sorry this is not a very good opening sentence, but I need to vent.<P>This last Sunday was my 44th birthday...absolutely no acknowledgement from H whatsoever...and he's the one who wants us to be "friends!" Ugghhh! I tried to have a good day, but cried all day and felt so lonely, even tho friends had me over for dinner...he still hasn't said anything....<P>Today I found out that not only did tons of people I worked with know my H was spending the nights at the OW house, he actually told some of his co-workers way back then too (January). Now I feel really stupid. I knew since back in November, but he was sooooo sure no one else knew and told me that he didn't tell anyone else....I don't know why I feel stupid, but I do. I feel duped by him all over again.<P>Also today, I found out the OW just moved in with him last week. He has a one year lease on a house and she now lives there. It really pi$$es me off and hurts like h&ll!! (sorry 'bout the language) <P>Fourthly, our 12th anniversary is coming up in October.<P>Fifthly, the 1-year anniversary of D-Day is the weekend before Thanksgiving.<P>Sixthly, this will be the first Christmas without him.<P>Seventhly, January will be the 1-year anniversaary of him moving out.....<P>I don't mean to get all worked up, but I know I'm gonna need help making it thru the next few months....How am I gonna handle this? Just wait until each day arrives and have a good cry-out? <P>Please give me suggestions....I'm sorry to be such a whiny-baby, but I know I'm gonna need help....I get back on my feet and then some other new trigger knocks me down again.<P>I want/don't want to move into Plan B...but I don't think it'll make any difference to him at all....he wants it to be over.<P>Thanks for listening to my ramble. Please pray for me.<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<P>

HUGS Mrs. O-<P>I just want you to know it is OK to vent! As many here will tell you-this is the place to be if you want to get something off your mind!<P><BR>Wow-I can only imagine your pain. But I ask you to not feel "stupid" as you put it. I will guess you were trusting, content and at peace with your marriage while H was doing his dirty deeds. It is no reason for you to feel stupid.<P>I too felt dumb and sometimes still wonder "how the heck.............." how I managed to be so blind. I am NOT a dumb person but my friend and my H had a 2 year affair while I had not a clue.<P>But you know why? I trusted both of them. If she called here or he called there so what? We were friends-all of us.<P>I think maybe they are the stupid ones. I know that I am one person who could not be proud of that type behaviour or proud to be flaunting the affair.<P>You just hold your chin up and tell yourself-this might be my first holiday alone but I will be fine becasue I am strong! You will truly do well!<P>Best wishes for positive happenings <P><P>------------------<BR>*heartache*<P>"Life's A Dance<BR>You Learn As You Go.<BR>Sometimes You Lead<BR>Sometimes You Follow!<BR>Don't worry 'Bout What You Don't Know<BR>LIfe's A Dance <BR>You Learn As You Go."

Hello Mrs. O,<P>First Happy Birthday Girl! I'm so sorry your [censored] H didn't acknowledge it. He's a scmuck for not at least calling you. But there will be more Bdays and they'll be better than this one was, only way to go from this year's is up, right?<P>Secondly, I'm sorry about your co-workers knew about H spending the night with his WHORE. Don't feel stupid, Hon. They're the stupid ones.<P>Thirdly, it's a GOOD thing he moved in with her. He'll get sick of her faster this way. I prayed that my H would continue living w/OW. At first I HATED it, then I thought about it and discovered it was a blessing in disguise. He would go nuts living with that Banshee, she's a major Cling-On, and she'd pluck every last nerve of his, no peace and no privacy, just a jealous mean abusive witch! <P>H living w/OW hurts, yes, BUT they are going to crash and burn and this will make it happen even faster. I know it's humiliating, and I'm sorry for that, but just know you're not the one making the mistake, HE IS! He's being an adulteror, not you, so hold your head high, Mrs. O.<P>Fourthly, you can make it thru the 12h anniv, I did. I just pretended it was another day, tried not to think about it and also remembered that H had dishonored our vows and every promise he made to me, so the anniv really didn't mena much aft remembering that, but I did still hurt a little. I do love him regardless. But if I can make it thru it, so can you. I'm the biggest cry baby and pee pee pants God put on this earth.<P>Fifthly, you need to have Lora and I come over to stay with you in Hawaii during the Holidays cuz we will be the Lonely Hearts Club here in the Northwest. Just say the word and we're on a plane in December!<P>Sixthly, take one day at a time. You're like me, going up and down. I tell myself this is a good time for me to work on me. To get to know me and make improvements. To do some soul searching and think about the future. Also to think about my relationship w/God. Most the time I cry in the mornings and feel real depressed. [What gonna happen to me???? kinds depressed] BUT I am a good person and I love people and they love me. I wnat to live my life right, i want to be someone I'm proud of. I wnat to be able to look at people in the eyes and feel proud to be me. That's what I'm sorking on. Being the best I can be. It's gonna take some time and alot of effort.<P>Seventhly, I'm sorry you're having a hard time Mrs. O. I feel your hurt ... I hurt too. But there is hope for us. You don;t move into Plan B w/H until you're are ready, until you are strong and feel 100% that you wnat to do this and won't waffel in your decision, in the meantime you can do whatever you wnat to do. You can Plan A if you want or you can take some emotional distance to get yourself strong.<P>Lastly, did H say he wnated it to be over. Even if he did, remember what you've learned here, he is in an addiction and the fog has taken over. He doesn't know what he wants, thats why you have to be strong.<P>Be well Mrs. O and you're in my thoughts and prayers, Hon.<P>Jo<P><BR>p.s. No problem with your langauage, as long as you don't mind me being a poddy mouth once in a while. Just feels necessary some times.<P><p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited September 05, 2000).]

Happy Birthday to You<BR>Happy Birthday to You<BR>Happy Birthday to Mrs O<BR>Happy Birthday to You!<P>May the Good Lord Bless You <BR>May the Good Lord Bless You<BR>May the Good Lord BLess You<BR>May the God Lord Bless Mrs O!<P>Well, we think people like our WS are trustworthy because we are honourable ourselves. Little did we know that the ones closest to us can do the dirty on his wife with their, you are right, ugly cheap whores.<P>WS are often heartless villians who are so taken up with themselves that they live in a fog and little else matters except their pitiful affairs.<P>But you need to know that YOU matter, maybe not as much to your H as before the affair, but you matter to the people who loves you and to God.<P>I hope you go pamper yourself - fragrant baths, walk around the shops, call up loved ones who support you, and give yourself little treats. Compartmentalise your crying bouts and really empty your heart of its painful contents.<P>BUT you need to be kind to yourself, love yourself and live for God and your loved ones and yourself.<P>I am so sorry for the pain and anguish and loneliness you are now in. I will pray for you that you have God's wonderful blessings for a restored life and abundant joy and peace.<P>Take care<BR>weep

I know that you will probably hear this over and over, but YOU are not the one who looks stupid, HE is. If you are like me and prideful, this kind of stuff gets into your gills and enrages you and humiliates you, but all it takes is for you to overhear one comment from his co-workers or friends about how they really feel and you will feel completely vindicated. <P>I used to feel like I couldn't hold my head up and walk around decent folks because my H was blatantly running around. I spoke to one of his friends and heard about how they all find him disgusting for fouling his wife and his reputation that way and I never thought about it again. People know wrong when they see it. You are not to blame. <P>I know significant dates can be hard. I had a few pass without comment from my STBX too. You have to just change your point of view. Instead of looking at is as spending the holidays without him, you can look at is as time to do whatever you always wanted to do. If your H hates white lights on the tree, put some up (my H always wanted colored lights!). If you always wanted to cruise to Europe over New Year's, go! <P>Basically, what I am saying is, you can live or you can exist. If you chose to live, you will enjoy it a lot more than moping and wishing for things to be different. We all have blessings in every single day that we miss because we're too busy wanting something more or something different. <P>I'm not saying it is not justified. I've been there. I know it hurts. I also know that grieving and living the pain is part of the healing process. But you have to have something to look forward to. Imagine that light at the end of the tunnel and when you are ready, see it coming closer and closer until you are bathed in it every day. That reality can be yours if you allow it to be.

I second Popeye's advice. The live or exist part is excellent. Also, moving to Plan B gave me so much more strenght and a feeling of control. I have my doubts of course. When I read posts about how long some people stayed in plan A I feel like a failure... however I am much healthier and STOPPED crying when I went to Plan B. It really gave me strenght. <P>Another helpful thing is to be honest with your friends and family. Tell them you need them now. Call them up and make plans for those significant dates and be honest and tell them why you need something to look forward to on that date. I'll tell you, if it wasn't for some excellent friends and famiy I don't know how I'd make it. Good luck. I'll be thinking about you<P> Kris

Popeye, Honey, you are so RIGHT ON!<P>The thing about living or existing, hit the nail right on the head.<P>I really gain strength from your words, you are my Hero!<P>Don't get embarressed, I'm just so fortunate to have you close by.<P>Sorry for crashing your thread Mrs. O. Just had to say this.<P>Jo

Happy Belated Birthday