Hi all<BR>Since the other day with the cross incident.<BR>I have felt myself pulling further and further away from my H. <BR>I have noticed his moodiness and yet I don't try to comfort him. I see his pain and I want no part of it anymore. <BR>Before I would try and get him to open up and talk to me....Now I am at a point that I don't really care....<BR>In fact the less he is around the better I feel. <BR>Yet I can't TELL him NOT to come around anymore....<BR>I am tired of one foot in the door and one out. <BR>I think of ourhistory and how we loved each other so much and it seems so long ago....almost like a dream...<BR>Reality now is a man that will not recommit, has no job, doesn't support us, yet comes over and tries to acts like a husband and father for maybe 2 or 3 hours out of the day.<BR>Then returns to his friends house (where he is staying) and then the whole thing starts all over again the next day.<BR>I know I need to break the ties that bind me to him....To be able to move on without him...but I just can't seem to let go...<BR>I have written a plan B letter ...but everyday I try to give it to him I talk myself out of it....( I guess giving him one more day one more chance) Well I think this will be harder on me than him and maybe that is why I keep hesitating....<BR>My friends and family say, look at him he has his cake and is eating it too. <BR>You deserve better....tell him to hit the road ....<BR>Why should he change he does have it good.<BR>Freedom without responsibilites....<BR>I think it is time for me to go to counseling to learn how to LET go and not try to save this marriage anymore...<BR>Will I be doing the right thing? For so many months now that's all I wanted was to save my marriage...but now...I think there isn't anything to save anymore....<BR>So how do I break the ties that bind?

Tyra,<BR>I didn't do well with Plan B because of the kids, but, if he doesn't want to live at home, thats his choice, however you don't have to let him come and go at your house like he still lives there, you can start putting boundaries on him. My counselor described it as treating him as if you are divorced--since that's where his actions are leading.<P>1) He never comes in the house if you or the kids aren't there. If he still does, you will ask for his key.<P>2) He calls before coming over.<P>3) If he hasn't made plans with you to eat, he doesn't eat with you.<P>4) He sets up regular days where he will have visitation, and he doesn't have the kids at the house, he has to go elsewhere. (Where? Not your problem, Tyra, its his, he chose not to live at the house--theres pizza places, the mall, movies, parks. My H never had a suitable place that he lived to have the kids at until the last few months, so...)<P>5) If you agree that he can be with the kids at the house, you can leave, or vacate to a different room or join them, afterall, it's your home. <P>If you have kids, he does have responsibilities and should be with them on his own--he'll have them on his own if you divorce. <P><BR><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."<BR>(Proverbs 15:1).

I agree with Lor. My H how is living with OW because he has no where else to go. Has boundries when coming to my house. He has no key, doesnt know the combination to get into the garage. When he comes to see S I run my errands and so forth. I guess I look to him as if he is a siter when he is at the house.<P>Michelle

Hi Tyra,<P>I'll tell you what my counselor told me about Co-dependency or the "Ties that Bind".<P>When you've been with someone so long, you eventually feel as tho you're a reflection of what they feel and think of you, like looking in a mirror.<P>So their reflection of you becomes an important part of your psyche and without it you feel an enormous void. Almost like you could disappear.<P>You understand? If your H is unhappy with you, your reflective image of yourself is unloved and insecure. If your H's happy with you, you feel secure and strong.<P>Now that's only the Co-dependency issues, haven't even talked about the insecurity stuff.<P>Jo