I have seen my H spiraling downward with his drinking and the OW. He lost his job because of too many sick days (out all night drinking and staying with the OW) and his drinking is becoming worse more often and heavier.<P>I put a wrinkle in their little game because I caught them red handed together leaving a bar imagine that what a way to spend time together. Well I told them exactly what I thought and told them to grow up and return from fantasy land to reality.<P>So this was Monday and last night when I got home from work my H was out in the garage drinking with his buddies. A while later the three of them left and didn't come back for almost 4 hours. Needless to say my H was smashed.<P>He came in the house and could hardly walk. He said he just wanted to go to sleep. WEll he didn't. He proceeded to tell me how sorry he was for the way he had treated me and that he didn't hate me and why couldn't he be normal and why did he drink. This went on and on for a couple hours. He continued to say "don't hate me for what I have done I don't hate you why do you still care. etc etc.<P>I told him that I still cared about him and that my feelings just won't go away. But he has made some bad choices lately that have hurt me very badly and I was upset over that.<P>Well finally he went to sleep. This morning he calls me at work to ask if he was mean or said anything mean last night. He couldn't remember. "Blackouts" not a good sign.<P>I just don't know what to do or say now all this has happened. The other factor is that he has till Monday to fill out legal paper work that he hasn't done yet and if he doesn't he goes to jail. What a dilemma. I know he needs to be held accountable for his actions and own up to the consequences. This still doesn't even answer the question of what is happening with the OW since my confrontation.<P>Any of you with experience with alcolics please respond. I really am in a tough spot and want to do the right thing.

Post this on the Women's Bible Study forum. Several women there have experience with alcoholic husbands.<P>lizzie

BC,<P>Please make some calls to local clinics and hospitals and find out where you can take him and have him admitted for detox/treatment on the fly. Most places do intake 24/7. He should be in-patient for at least 30 days.<P>Next time he has one of "these" moments and is questioning the drinking - walls are down, that is the time to take him in. Sometimes that window of willingness is very small and that's why hospitals take them at any hour.<P>I'm sure the al-anon crowd would say not to fill the paper work out for him or remind him or lay it out with a giant sign on it. Going to jail is not endangering his or anyone elses life. Though, I'd have a darn hard time letting that happen to him too !! Also, he can't drink while jailed, so when he gets out he will be dry and miserable - yet another chance to have him admitted for detox and treatment. <P>While I know the pain of infidelity, right now his first and last love is liquor. She is actually inconsequential to the disease you are dealing with.

My H also has a prob. His drinking has increased during the A, trying to deep it a secret, and living with a woman he no longer loved. <P>Now that I know, the counselor says, cut down and FEEL. He can't. He prefers to be numb. D*** him!<P>I am sorry your H is such a classic Alcoholic, that is hard to look at. It is also hard to respect someone who has no care to help themselves. My H doesn't stumble, or black out(I don't think so) but he does go into tha stupor-sleep, and he DUI's, no sense!!! Though he has never been pulled over. <P>I don't like weekends. Beer casually all day, then vodka's(3) then wine with dinner, (1/2 bottle.) By 7:30 he is crashed on a chair somewhere, or falling asleep in front of the kids AT THE TABLE!! Pretty, huh.<P>This man is hard to watch too. He does not even admit it. This is going to be one of my requirements for our new life, though, sobriety. I insist. He cannot be a responsible adult if he cannot control himself. <P>And lets not even talk about the money spent on the booze every WEEK--about a hudred!!!!! Sometimes more if he finds a deal on wine.(He only buys the good stuff.)<P>Strength to us both, BC<P>B<P>B.

Dear bc<P>I have followed your posts but have never given you my input.<P>You are a very strong lady that has worked hard on yourself over the past months, I have watched you swing with your emotions regarding the OW and I have watched you try to hold your life and marriage together. Addiction is a potent disease. I know, I have watched my S go through Heroin addiction and I eventually had to let go and let god. I see an answer to your predicament written in your last post. <P>Let him take responsibility for his actions, let him go to prison for not filling in his forms, let him waken in a cell and feel the cold concrete and hear the noise of other people going into withdrawal of sorts around him. Let him feel the consequences of his actions. When you have been trying to fix everything he has been feeding his addiction, his OW is not a threat to you, she is part of his addiction, someone who doesn't make him look at himself. He doesn't have to be anything with her, she'll take anything because she is no better than he has allowed himself to become. <P>You are his wife, tell him that you love him but say to him that he has to take the consequences for his actions and if need be you will let him go to prison. Say to him that with love you wish him well and you wish him a safe passage from his addiction.<P>A couple of days in prison without alcohol maybe the turning point for better things for him and you.<P>The lord works in divine ways.<P>FET<BR>

This is a hard post..I'd agree though..he has to hit rock bottom, and he has to face his own consequences for his actions. Have you read Adult Children of Alcoholics? or Tough Love? Don't bring up the papers anymore, he knows he has them to fill out, if he refuses to take the responsibility to fill them out thats not your problem. Don't fill them out<BR>for him, let him do it, (even if he asks you <BR>let him do it himself) Alcoholics always want everyone else to "do" for them..they are used to everyone else doing for them. <P>Good luck I know it's not easy..(speaking from experience here) and also from watching friends going through the same thing..allow him to hit rock bottom..or he'll never see a need to change...why should he has you (or the ow) to pick him up and do for him..so he doesn't have to grow up..<P>

Thanks for the replies. Funny how last night he actually asked me about the papers and filling them out. He asked what they actually meant (the motion from the court) that he didn't understand it. I was very upset. I told him that must be he wanted me to handle everything and that all he would have to do is sign on the dotted line.<P>How could he even think I could discuss the matter. If he can't read what it says or doesn't want to call his lawyer who is representing him then why should I say a thing.<P>The guilt I felt is enormous. I also realized everything he said the other night in a drunken stupor was a lie. all the I love yous, I am sorry for hurting you, etc etc.<P>Because last night it was back to I don't know what to do. These things just happen. He also said the OW felt "bad" for what I was going through. Isn't that a consolation. She doesn't feel "bad" she just wants to make brownie points with him for acting like she cares. They only care about themselves.<P>It is going to be very hard to get through till next week. I can't stand the pain and guilt everytime I think about things and then he asks about the papers.

BC<P>You have NO REASON to feel guilty!!!<BR>You are stronger than what he expected..<BR>and no this..He's still a drunk..and he<BR>won't be your problem to deal with..if<BR>he stays w/ her..(she's going to continue<BR>to enable him to drink) Right now she thinks<BR>this man is so wonderful..but wait till she<BR>has to deal w/ the drinking all the time..<BR>wait till she has to put up w/ the lies..<BR>She'll get tired of it..and probably try<BR>and call you for advice..(since YOU were married to this man for so long..how did you<BR>put it up with it??) Then you can tell her<BR>figure it out on her own..<P>But since you are changing..he will either change with you..or he will stay the same..<BR>and it sounds like he doesn't want to face himself in the mirror..and until he's ready to do that..you can still be there as his friend, because he'll eventually be calling you when he's drunk..(Oh I love you..I miss you..I screwed up) My bestfriends h does that..calls his ex-wives when he's drunk..<BR>and then she gets stuck paying the phone bill<BR>because he can't hold a job..