I posted earlier this week that my H had broken off with OW. I still believe this to be true, but because they work together, there will be continued contact until one of them has a new job or is transferred. H has not denied the contact. I, in a non LBing way, explained that until there was no contact, I felt that their relationship was not completely over. He agreed to some extent, but said that the relationship is definately over, but their friendship is not. He also understood why I would NEVER be able to trust their friendship at all!<P>The first couple of days he was pretty low and it appeared as withdrawal and depression was setting in. The last couple of days, though, he's been acting pretty much his normal self. Is this because the contact is still there, because he's not having a tough time of giving up the "relationship" part, or is just doing a good job of hiding his real feelings in front of me because he knows it hurts me to see how upset he is over breaking it off with OW??<P>Help, I'm kind of confused on this.....

Hurting -<P>I think I went through big bouts of withdrawl - simply because I knew I would never see the OM again. He wasn't a co-worker, he lives in the same area as me, but it's a BIG town. . .so the only chance I'll run into him - is if he passes me on the street. Anyway, I think that's why things seemed so much worse for me.<P>The fact the your H works with the OW - maybe thats why he dosn't have those fits of depression like I did. The relationship may be over, but the contact is still there - not the same contact - but still there and he has to be carefeul that his WORK relationship does not develop into a FRIENDSHIP that leads to another A. I have seen where some WS can separate work from friendship - but I don't think you H should consider her a friend - he should consider her a co-worker, colleague, whatever. . .The OW should not continue to be a friend - regardless of whether he has to work with her or not.<P>Sometimes, I was afraid to show my sadness or keep my feelings inside - because I didn't want to hurt my H - so that could be part of it. Part of it, is that there are ups and downs, and when he acts normal - that may be an up day for him. More than likely, he doesn't feel so bad, because he can at least "be friends" with the other person. But he needs to break the friendship and be cordial - only because he has to - for work reasons. I think he's playing with fire if he thinks he can remain "only friends" with this woman. Why would he want to do that if he know how much that friendship hurts you?

Crappy situation, isn't it? My H worked with OW during A and seven weeks after dday, when she finally found another job. It has made a HUGE difference in my general sense of peace. <P>H immediately broke up with her after he told me; encouraged her to look for another job (he works for his parents--would be extremely difficult for him to leave), since she was in the process of divorce and would need more money, benefits, etc.; she didn't actually start looking until, after a few weeks, he started asking her about jobs he had seen in the paper, etc. It was almost like she didn't think he really wanted her to leave! But he very gently pushed, telling her it was in no way fair to me, and putting up with my emotions at the same time.<P>It was a difficult, awkward time for both of us (she always answered the phone when I called), but I think H was wise in the way he handled it. I never saw any signs of withdrawal in him. I'm not sure if that's good (she didn't mean that much to him?) or if he's still holding back. In every other way, he has returned to the man I fell in love with so many years ago. <P>Good luck! I hope their work "relationship" will end soon. I truly think that is the best, if not only, way for you to be able to move forward.

Hurtingirl,<P>Had to smile (sadly) at the way SKM said your H "should not consider OW as a friend" but I know what she meant. <P>We can't dictate our H's feelings. If only we could!<P> That's the big problem here. He shouldn't--but if he does--you're basically still in plan A. <P>My H still works with OW. IF he told me he broke off the A but wanted to keep the friendship--I'd KNOW the A was either ongoing or not far away from being reignited. Because that's how it got started. <P><BR>Tread cautiously hurtingirl--if he thinks he can continue their relationship as a friendship, he's either deluding himself and you or just deceiving you. Either way, it's plan A and I'm so sorry. <P>As for the withdrawal or lack their of--it's a mute point if he thinks they are still having any sort of relationship but I'll add my H's experience here just for info.<P>He broke off the A (after the boss found out and told him he had to--four days before I found out). I never saw him in withdrawal. Contact at work between them is restricted or supervised--everybody at work is aware and they are watching out for it. OW went thru major withdrawal so I KNOW there wasn't any contact. H considered her a friend but says he knows she probably never saw him as just a friend--she always would want something more of him. He knows they could never go back to friendship and said if he's grieved over anything at all in that relationship, it would just be that he hurt a friend/ruined a friendship....<P>Gotta go to work now. Take care, hg. I'll be looking for you to see how you're doing, Hon. Remember, plan A. {{{{hugs}}}} <P>Aloha,<P>L

I have a similar problem regarding contact. My H and OW do their work side by side. She is his assistant. Plus, I'm still not sure if my H has any realization that a friendship that gets out of hand after working such long hours and so closely could have had ANY impact on this relationship.<P>He's one of those guys who has to figure it out on his own.<P>Plus, now she is with child. And she is the only one currently working and can support herself and her other 2 children. (her H left I think)<P>I think she offered to leave, but knows how indebted my H feels towards her for all of her "devoted" hard work. My h's basic core of values will not let him just up and leave her stranded in this "new" situation. He also needs her to do his job. It is a tough situation.<P>Plus, he still doesn't even seem to "remember" me although he is getting better with the kids.<P>I have no clue where they stand. I know the friendshiip is still there..the feelings, whatever they are (soulmate---affair of the heart) are still there. I have a hard time thinking that the "passion" is not somewhat altered due to the pregancy. I mean, now that the cat is out of the bag, so to speak, how do you keep up the physical aspects when there is this whole new unresolved entity between them and no real resolution with their other relationships.<P>However, as the whole thing seems unbelievable to me to this day, I suppose it is all possible.<P>I am truly at a loss. I feel "bested" by a person who has been so thoughtless towards me, my feelings and my children. And yet, I can do nothing. Not a good place to sit.