My wife and I have been together for 5 years and married for 2 1/2. In the beginning of the relationship, I told her that many years prior I had been addicted to cocaine and had been in a few 'gay' films to feed my addiction. A few years later I had become severly addicted to crystal-meth and had some weird 'cyber-chat'/'cyber-sex' for a brief period. Many more years later (now) I am clean and have my life completely together. We have even just purchased our first home. A few days ago she let me know that she thought she could bury under the carpet what I told her so many years ago, but it keeps coming up and it is driving her a little mad...<BR>I am deeply in love and very committed and will never leave her.. but she has a fear that one day I might leave her for a man.<BR>My past actions were due to strong clouded addictions and I have no feelings what so ever for the same sex... How can I help her?<BR>thank you all for reading and your time!!

Hi HP,<P>First of congradulations on shedding a lot of s**t from your past and having your life completely together.<P>I understand your wife's fears, yes addiction played a major role, but you engaged in gay sex for profit and cyber sex for for fun or something. Some insecurity is almost inevitable. I don't know, and maybe someone else will come along with better advice, but maybe if you could tell her as much as you remember about your motives, feelings, reactions, etc. during these times it would help her to understand.<P>By all means tell her also what you are feeling now. Encourage her to ask questions, to tell you when she is feeling a "little mad", what sort of things make her think of it, what sort of situations make her uncomfortable.<P>It almost never works to bury things under the carpet, lumps always appear.<P>Hope some of this helps,<BR>Take care.

I haven't posted here much but as an alcoholic I feel I must. I think she should search around the www for the horror stories of substance abusers and the means they will go to to get their fix. Your story is not so bad compared to some I have heard at group counseling and AA. And you didn't wind up in jail as so many have and destitute living on the streets. Affair proof your marriage....all the tips on how to do that are at Marriage Builders...GOOD LUCK : ))

hanora, <P>Thanks so much for your reply!! <P>I completely have the doors open for any information that she would care to know.<BR>I also tell her (probably too often) exactly how I am feeling (I'm really obsessing).<BR>I oh so want to help her... We have had such a special love... None like I've ever felt.<P>One thing that really scares me (other than her leaving) is that I also tried to be honest in my last relationship (after a while), and that woman totally freaked out and left there on the spot. So my fear is that if my wife does leave, I'm going to be doomed for the rest of my life and never find someone that could understand something like that.<P>It is really odd... Men can accept a woman that has has a same sex experience (and love it), but turn the tables and it's all over.<P>I totally feel like I'm dying inside, very slowly. <P>Thanks again for your reply and I will keep the faith for my soul mate....

LST, <P>And thank you for your reply...<P>Substance abuse can do some horrid things (as we both know).. <P>I will definitely affair proof the marriage, I just hope that I can keep her.<P>I appreciate your kind words and I also hope the best for you!!

Hey HP,<P>Don't talk about slowly dying, you've just started to really live.<P>I can see why you're scared, but try not to be too obsessive, joyful is much more reassuring.<P>Your comment about "turned tables" is not universally true. I have been married for 30+ years to a man who has gone through periods of bisexuality. I am not alone, there are plenty of others and mostly we seem to live in a sort of perpetual state of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Things seem to go along ok, even great for a while and then something, real or imagined brings up all the fears again.<P>That's why I said I understood your wife's fears. I know that the more my husband told me the less anxious I became.<P>Got to go deal with kids,<BR>Take care.