My H works with a girl 2 days per week. We are friends with her and her H. We have done a lot together as couples. My H and her have had a friendship that I always admired. I have had my suspisions about them since her and her H have been having problems. She is highly flirtatious and is something I just ignored. It is now bothering me to now end and my H refuses to give up their friendship. What should I do? How should I handle?

<BR>Dear Wants2,<P>This is bad news. I hope wiser heads answer your question. I'm living proof of a H who supposedly loved me (now he says he doesn't think he ever really did; just cares for me; it's not ideal love, ad nauseum) <P>You can read my posts. My hair stands on end reading yours. <P>When a H refuses to end a "friendship" with another woman, the marriage is already dead in the water. He has chosen the "friend" and I don't know what to tell you.<P>Maybe the wiser heads will post now.<P><P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

At first you say "we" are friends with her and then it sounds like H is more friendly with her and you are on the side watching. You use the word admire to describe them, but it sounds more like envy. I agree with Belle that there is something up here that needs action fast, but I disagree that the marriage is dead. The part about her and her H having troubles is real dangerous. When a girl gets a shoulder to lean on it starts an emotional attachment which very often turns physical. I don't have good advice -- just be sure there is no contact with them outside work, no lunches, nothing. If he and she are going to be somewhere outside of work, you better be there too.

DANGER WILL ROBINSON!!!<P>Sorry, not trying to be flippant, but your concerns are valid -- this is a dangerous situation just waiting to happen.<P>Now is the time for you to do some serious introspection into your marriage and how you behave in it. If your marriage is solid, the danger is less.<P>My H has always worked with women, some of them single, and for much of our marriage, it was never a problem. In 1998, while I was finishing up graduate school and he was in a high-stress job, he got "too friendly" with his boss. If my profile is still up, you can read the whole story there. For 10 years, I'd pretty much gone my own way, had my own friends, lots of activities that didn't involve him, school, etc. Sex was boring and routine. Little time spent doing things together. It was about 6 months before I realized I had a problem, and another six before I discovered Plan A. <P>H's boss was a single mom, flirtatious, a collector of married male friends. And I felt just the way you do.<P>This "friend" is likely to start leaning on your H for support, if you and he allow it. If her marriage is in trouble, she's likely to be vulnerable and wanting affirmations of her worth. And he's likely to fall right into it, saying "She's having problems and needs me" -- the knight in shining armor bit. We've all been through it; those of us dealing with these "friendships."<P>Read up on Plan A and put it into effect IMMEDIATELY. If your H will listen to you, tell him about your concerns. Don't be surprised if he flies off the handle, though. He's probably responding to her and feels a bit guilty anyway, and is likely to get defensive, and it seems he already has been. There's clearly an emotional attachment or he would be willing to listen to your concerns. Don't get involved in big conversations; back off if he does this, and just do your Plan A thing.<P>Try not to let them be alone if you can help it. Another suggestion: Talk to this woman and tell her about this site. Tell her how much it's helped you, and perhaps she might get some techniques she can use for her marriage. If you befriend her yourself, you force a third party into this nice little duo.<P>In my case, I think my Dragon Lady was an obvious predator who can't deal with available men. This sounds like a gal who's got marital problems, either doesn't know how or doesn't have the inclination to put out any effort (and if it's the former, your suggestion can help), and is seeking male affirmation from your H. Maybe her H is having an affair, and she's looking for a revenge affair without thinking about you -- or maybe she's resenting that your H isn't having one, and she'll set out to change that. I don't know. <P>But I have BEEN THROUGH IT AND COME OUT THE OTHER SIDE, and I'm here to listen.

Have you actually asked him to sever the frindship? It sounds as if you are just starting to suspect. If it is still only a EA, then you are timely. Address this to your H, let him read the lit. to tell him how dangerous her waters are, especially while unfulfilled in her own Marr.<P>Be honest with him about how you are feeling. Ask him to sever the friendship. If he says that is nuts, then try the advice in the last post about befriending her(not her H!!!

I asked my H outright if there was anything going on and he said "NO," they were just friends. We were having problems and he confided in her. Well 1 month later, he admitted that it turned into an interest with each other...you know the rest, because I'm here on this board. <P>Please becareful, you need to take some kind of action now and don't ignore the signs. You have every right to suspect that something may not be right. DC had some really good advice, hope you take it.<P>Be well, MT

Want2--<P>Any friendship that your H has with another woman that makes you suspicious it is with good reason. Take this from a betrayer, this is how my affair started, "GOOD FRIENDS". The OW in my case also started having trouble in her marriage and she came to me to talk about it. The rest is history.<P>This is from someone who has been there, he needs to give her up. I tell you this and hope it has not gone to far. Tell him how you feel again and ask him to give up his friendship with her. If the feeling are that strong, no contact is a must. If he is not willing to do this then there may be more there than just friends. I hope I am wrong but this sounds WAY to familiar. <P>Keep posting to us, we are all here for you from both sides.<P>fs<P>

ok I have to say it, welcome to infidelity! Your story sounds sooooo much like mine. My h's friend was always around in the back of the picture, acting as though she and I were best of friends. Then she decided she didn't want her h anymore and I was uncomfortable around them. I felt, NO, I SHOULD TRUST THEM, BS!!!!!<BR>She started visiting him at the office when I wasn't there. Calling him when I wasn't around. All negative behaviours. He chose his wife, let him stay out of her sandbox, you need to make this clear to him.<BR>Tell him that the situation is making you uncomfortable before it gets too far out of hand. Demand he spend some quiet time alone with you, that you miss his companionship, ALONE!<BR>I pray this story isn't as I read it, but if it is know that you found a good place to vent and relieve your emotions. Breathe deeply and read alot about infidelity. Start a journal with your emotions so that you have a place to go back to sometimes. And keep coming here, the principles are the best, the philosophy is great, and we all understand, we've been there before. God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!