This morning H woke me up. Asked if I was going to be home when he got in from work. I said as far as I know. He wants to talk. <P>Sure. I said. And then he just sat there and kept looking at me. I asked him, "Do you want to talk now." He said, I do want you and love you. And I want to make love to you every night, I want the intimacy and to feel<BR>the excitement of seeing you." Nothing said about changing bad habits or getting honest.<P>He said, "You are the best thing that has ever happened to me and I don't want to lose that." I said you won't if you realize that in order for us to have closeness you have to be honest with me and yourself. I cannot continue like we have by always giving in to<BR>your selfishness. He said to forget the past. I said the past is part of my life and I cannot dismiss the seven years of our marriage like it never happened. I have memories there and thought I had a marriage.<BR>And I have learned from the past that I didn't get tough enough with you to have my needs fullfilled. I did without all this time, but I remained with you longer than anyone else has. I asked him, "Do you know why?" He said, "NO." Because, I love you.<BR>I wasn't giving up on you. He said, then don't give up on me now. <P>I explained, I am not giving up I am standing up. There is a difference. If you do not intend to work on this with me then we don't and cannot have a marriage. It doesn't mean I stop loving you but I will have to find a way to move on and heal. It won't be easy but I will have to learn. <P>If you do want this, I said, then you have to<BR>put in the effort that is needed to grow and have all those feelings you say you want with me. I cannot do this for you, YOU have to decide and committ to this relationship and stop running away. I have always been there but I too have a limit. You have always been told what I need and want. And it is time for you to look at what you really want in life. A wonderful marriage with honesty and intimacy or a life alone drifting from one to another, never growing, never having the true fullfillment that the love of someone and a family can bring. <P>He says, he wants those things. And I said then it is time we work on it TOGETHER. I can no longer do it for you and me. It has to be a mutual process. I think he is beginning to see that he has responsibilities here and<BR>can not continue to live like a single man in this marriage. I do know that if he doesn't work on this with me that he will cheat again. It is a matter of time. <P>I told him this and that I cannot live like that wondering when it will happen again. And if I didn't stand up for myself and this marriage that I would only have myself to blame, because I allowed his behavior and his none growth by ignoring myself to accommodate<BR>his selfishness. I want to make it clear that I am not forcing him to be or do anything. It is his choice. I too have a choice. I don't want a divorce, but I don't want to contribute anymore to his destructive <BR>ways either. I said rebuilding takes time, this cannot be fixed in one night of passion.<BR>In other words, he may be thinking, "I'll make mad passionate love to her and she will give in to me." That won't work anymore. <P>Tonight we will talk and I did say that I don't want an arguement. If things get too heated we will stop until emotions calm down.<BR>He agreed. So we will see how this goes. I have to remain strong and stand my ground which in the past I would relent because he would push the blame on me and make me feel quilty. I can't let this happen. The one thing I am guilty of is loving this man with everything I have and putting myself in second place to his needs. And in return he took advantage of this and ran with it. <P>I am still bothered by his statement that his job meant more to him than anything else and that if he didn't have that he would kill himself because he would have nothing. <P>There is alot for him to work on concerning his self esteem and such. These are issues that stem way back, but he has to learn to face it or not. I know it won't be easy.<BR>I do know and he doesn't know I am aware of this. I recently discovered he had an affair in his first marriage. So there is a pattern of him doing this. I was not aware until recently and when I look back at our years together I have found out things little by little about him that I should have been aware of but believed in him and trusted him too much. And because of his cheating on me I have had my eyes relunctantly opened. The innocense of my faith in him has been destroyed. Not to mention all the horrible emotions I have gone through since this happened. And am still going through. But if he is willing to work on all these issues with me we can rise above the pain. I am not against him and one day if he gives this the attention it deserves he will finally understand this. <P>Yes, this is long again. I just needed to get these feelings and thoughts out. I'm nervous about tonight. Because he is a lot like a child in the fact that he has had his way so long it will take work on his part to <BR>achieve what is needed here. And work on my part to be strong and firm. <P>Say a pray. He needs it, we both need it.<BR>Thanks for listening.
