I need some opinions. I'm trying to stick to Plan A as best as I can, despite lying and deception everyday. Quick synopsis. Wife out of blue wanted separation around June 1. Out every night, in late, tired all day, we have 2 kids. No laundry, cleaning, cooking. Eating out with friends. Now spends all time with OM, usually each night till about 1AM. Not sure if just EN or physical (not looking good though). He was in the picture on June 1 as well. We still live in same house, but we bought one for her that she gets in a month and a half. My rationale was it is cheaper than renting, and housing market is great here, so easy to unload if she gets out of the fog. She has periodically had second thoughts, so I'm just Plan A for now.<P>Here is what I'm wondering. We can't afford to make her new place comfortable for the kids right awayshould she move there in 1.5 months. She plans on moving there anyway and come back to my place during the days she looks after the kids (she works part time). After 2 or 3 months, then she figures we'll start the real joint custody. She spends lots of money on her friends and social stuff, trips etc. That is why we can't properly outfit her place. My dilemma is: should I let her move there in a month and a half, leaving me with the kids every evening and night, allowing her to do as she pleases...essentially giving her that freedom she wants now? Or should I tell her that she isn't moving until we can properly do joint custody? I will also consult a lawyer I think. It is a tough thing, because I have the kids all the time anyway, and I would ultimately like that, but we've tried to be amicable and say we'd stick with joint, even though she is rather unfit now. I just don't want to let her have her cake and eat it too. I think I know where she'll be sleeping given that her place wouldn't be very comfortable or complete.<P>I really appreciate any opinions. It is really hard to Plan A when you are lied to every day about OM, money, activities, etc. It is hard to imagine that she could ever return to her old self. But I see from this site that it does happen. Sometimes I wonder if I'm in the fog for thinking that she could get over her fog...she spends every evening with this OM, so I guess I'm doing the usual thing...thinking maybe she found the love of her life. She originally said she wanted to separate and there was no hope...our marriage was always bad (even though it was fine the week before), everything had been fake, and we never should have gotten married. She said there was no one else, even though I now know that this OM was with her in the first few nights she was out all the time "thinking". I used to think this was just about us, and not "the fog". However, given her complete neglect for the house and the children, and the lying, and the OM, I think that it is more like the regular scenarios so often seen on this site, ie. "the fog". Am I right?<P>Even though I get negative about our chances for getting through this, I know she still has to go through moving out, financial hardship, not seeing the kids every day, etc. She lies to all her friends, even her new single ones, and rarely contacts her old good friends (what I call her real ones). I guess I have that on my side?<P>Opinions on her moving are greatly appreciated.<P>Thanks.

Rick<P>I think you have taken on too much on yourself. She is in a Fog, but you are enabling her to do it by picking up the slack.<P>You bought the house, let her furnish it. Second-hand stores and garage sales and Estate sales are a great, eclectic and inexpensive means of doing it. She needs to feel how it is to be alone, where she is responsible for bill paying, laundry, cooking, etc. She needs to learn from her own mistakes and get her dose of reality! Not exactly plan B, but....<P>You should give her the space she needs, I am doing that with my H, but if you are plan A-ing, then be sure to show love and Emotional support(not total financial support!) and tell her you have been as patient as you can with the joint custody. But that you feel her attention and resposibility to the kids is not happening right now, and that she should take some time, TO HERSELF, to figure out where she is. <P>What you are really saying is: "Your a mess, and being selfish and I will watch the kids so they have a steady homelife." Your kids need that or they will end up a mess and with much resentment towards their mother. That would be a shame. Resentment is hard for a child to let go, they are not equipped.<P>Look out for yourself, and the well-being of your kids, leave the rest to her.<P>I hope I am not being to harsh. That is what I would do...

Thanks alot. No, you are not being too harsh. It helps to hear this. I'm hearing from you that I should forget about my concern of letting her be essentially free, and just give her the space and let her experience the lonely life that I hope it will be for her. I'll focus on the kids, as I've been doing for months now (and always).<P>Thanks.

Rick...<P>I still claim to you...<BR>...protection of the kids (financially, morally, spiritually, etc...) is OK even if in Plan A.<P>I'd can the second house....<BR>...sell it... (or resell as the case may be)<BR>...and put the money in a trust for the kids!<P>Plan A is not about giving everything to your W to make her happy...<P>...it's about "Emotional Needs"... not "Selfish Wants"... gee SW backwards is WS... WOW!<P> <P>Jim

Jim,<P>I have a question. When you say can the 2nd house, I'm wondering what you suggest for her. She wanted to separate, so I figured it should be her that moves out, not me (we have a nice house). So buying was cheaper than renting, and if things turned around, it would be easy to sell or keep as an investment. That was my reasoning...so I went ahead with that. She is selfish now, but perhaps I'm misinterpreting Plan A...I am just trying to overlook her craziness. Yes, I periodically talk to her about money, but she just lies. She buys dinners for her friend (OM), and other friends too, but says that is not true. I have proof of it being true. Am I being too soft? I'm trying not to do any LBs, so maybe I let too much go. I appreciate your comments. Thanks.

Rick,<P>In the long run it will be cheaper...<BR>...if you stayed together...<P>...but you need to think "<B>with lower expectations</B>"...<P>If your W goes off the deep end...<BR>...who will pay for the mortgage?<BR>...what costs less... the rent then... and who will pay for the rent?<P>Not all "emotional needs" need to be met...<BR>...just those that make sense to you.<P>Maybe money is not an issue with you...<BR>...for me I need to protect what I've saved for my kids...<BR>...I am out of work right now... so my perspective is maybe a bit off...<P>But...<BR>...only <B>you</B> know how far you can give in a Plan A.<P> <P>Jim

Rick<P>I think you are right about the other house. It is cheaper if you were planning to pay her whole rent. If she is the WS, she does need to take some resomnsibility for her actions and for her life. Living off of your generosity, and need to protect her, is wrong. I am sure she knows this.<P>So you own the house in your name alone? Have you thought of charging her rent? Small, but enough to dampen her partying spirit? It is unproductive.<P>I don't know how long you have been on plan A, but I think you need to think of something else. I am sorry I cannot give you more advice, but my progress is not any better. <P>Maybe someone else out there can go on from here. Someone who has been doing this longer.<P>I am no further than I was DDAy, except I am a month into improving me!

burnedspouse,<P>I'm not sure how long I've been in Plan A. When this all started around first of June, I didn't know about this site, and I'd alternate from being nice, and giving her space to think, but letting her know I love her (elements of Plan A), so giving her a piece of my mind because of all the selfish crap. Her attitude would fluctuate back and forth from being nice to being nasty. I find that she looks for reasons to start an argument, probably because she feels guilty. So in summary, I think I can give Plan A some more time. I'm thinking to give it awhile beyond when she moves, but not too long. She has this vision of us being wonderful friends when she goes, but I don't think that way....I want her as my wife. The house is in her name. She applied for the mortgage on her own. I'm just giving her the downpayment. That is a financial hit, but I'm keeping the house we're in now, and there is equity, so I think it is fair. I make alot more $$ than her, and theoretically she could probably get this house, since she was a stay at home mom till early this year. So I figure a small downpayment for her house isn't so bad. If it was to work out for us, then I could get that back. If not, I've got my house (and more debt than equity!), but that is not a big deal.<P>Thanks for your advice. I really appreciate everyone's support on here.<P>I find plan A quite hard at times. Sometimes I just don't have anything to say when we are alone, because she lies too much. I find it easier when I'm at work and talking to her on the phone. I keep trying though. I just want her to remember something good if she does in fact move out.