WS has a place in a month and a half. That was move date for the real separation. Told me tonight that she thinks maybe January is better to get all set up. It would give me more Plan A time, but she isn't saving money, so to me this is one reason why it isn't very feasible to move then. However, we'll be paying for this place as soon as we take possession, which means two months payments and no one there. What do you think? Do I put my foot down and say you own it, so move there, or be thankful for more Plan A time. Some people close to me think she really doesn't know whether she wants to go, but she seems to think that is what she wants.<P>Anyone have any advice or just thoughts? I wasn't expecting this kind of scenario.

I say make her move. Let her see what life without you to lean on is really like.<P>Jill

Jill,<P>Thanks for your thoughts. She often says "you deserve better, I'm not good enough for you, etc." I figure that is just the standard chatter when someone wants to leave, but sometimes I worry that saying to leave conveys that I don't really want her. Do you think this might be true? Given that, do you think that it is better to tell her to move if she isn't willing to work on the marriage. That is one aspect...I don't know how long I can live like this....being together but not together. Thanks.

I would not encourage her to move out, as long as you can maintain Plan A. Once she leaves, your chances go way down...<P>If/when Plan A becomes too hard between now and January, you can always tell her to leave then & go to full Plan B...<BR><p>[This message has been edited by kam6318 (edited September 10, 2000).]

I agree that it would be a wake up call to<BR>have her move out. I learned the hard way<BR>that if you try too hard, the WS just sees <BR>you as a type of crutch and a doormat that<BR>she count on regardless of her behavior. In<BR>fact, it enables her to continue her behavior<BR>seemingly without consequences. I think you<BR>would see a marked change if you had her move<BR>out and have her get a touch of reality. I have found that the WS will respect you when you say I respect your decision and now I need to move forward with my life also. This may becomes a shock to them and they may begin to realize what they are now beginning to lose. Otherwise, you may be seen as a good puppy dog who will love her unconditionally and want her back regardless of her transgressions. I think you will see a<BR>real difference. Good Luck

Thanks again for all the input. I'd be happy to hear any other comments, because this will be a very big decision.

Rick37,<BR>I’m sorry to hear (read) about what you’re going through right now. My situation is somewhat similar to you, but my W refused to move out. I’m tired of being together, but not really together too. She refused to move and refused to work on our marriage. She is just there. In my opinion, I don’t know how long you were in plan A, if you could do more plan A, go for it. But if she’s Lbing you a lot and making you feel like a doormat, then ask her to move out. I believe it would be a wake up call for her to face reality. I should have done that myself earlier. I’m working on it now. I know it is hard. But you have to make that decision sometime. Good luck.<P>OOOO<BR>

Our situations are quite similar. My wife won't work on marriage, but is seeming content to say for longer than intended. I too am tired of being together, but not together. I don't get it at all. What are they thinking? Is it just comfortable? Who knows. Thanks though.

If you're interested in doing a Plan A and saving your marriage, I'd say keep her home. When my H moved out, he was begging daily to come home. I was adamant. No way. I wanted certain things and I would not budget until I got them. Well, he got tired of begging and having my back turned on him. There were women out there willing to keep him warm and comfortable. As long as he had other options, it wasn't such a big deal. He could see me when he wanted to and do his thing on the side.<P>I know this isn't how all people operate, but I think you have much more control and influence if you are in the same house.

Rick37,<BR>I can't advice either way but I can tell you what happened in my situation. I told my H to get out and he moved in with the OW. He lived with her for 4 months. I Planned A the entire time. It's tough to do it when they are gone but it can be done. My H wanted to come home and spend time with me and our D. He has sinced told me he had cried most nights he was away because he missed our D so much. He got a harsh taste of reality and he didn't like it. He has been home now for 5 weeks. We've had our ups and downs in those 5 weeks but things are definitely better than pre-affair. We have a long ways to go but I don't think we would have even gotten this far if he had stayed in the beginning. I learned so many things when I was on my own - things about myself, about him and about life. I doubt I would have learned those lessons if he had been here. <P>This is just one persons story but I hope it helps in making your decision. <P>Stay strong. <P><BR><P>------------------<BR>Molli<P>Find your strength within!

Hi,<P>It is a tough decision to make. I was never a pragmatic person, but with a baby, you become one. So....<P>If you love her<BR>If there are children<BR>If you want a future that includes her<BR>If she is in a mid life crisis<BR>If you will miss her<BR>If she loves you...then let her stay<P>But...<BR>If there is nothing (taking into consideration her state - withdrawal?) left, then let her move out and move on. <P>The question that begs to be asked is "Do you still want her back after she moved out and then come back?".<P>I have a gut feel that she is hesitating because she is afraid that if she moves out, it is the end for both of you. She may not be absolutely ready. Maybe the OM is not the wonderful giver that you are. Maybe she is afraid OM may leave her when the going gets tough. <P>You know your situation best in relation to your progress or lack of, and you know what you want, she doesn't seem to, as yet.<P>God Bless You<BR>weep

My H refused to move after discovery, so I did. His A continued for about a month and he continued to see me as well. I couldn't take that, so I told him to call a lawyer. I guess that was a wake up call for him. He broke it off with her. We lived apart and "dated" for several months. I think his sleeping alone and running the house alone really had an effect on him. That was just us, but I think *sometimes* when there is a little distance you realize what you had. However, it was after I moved and we were working on things that I found MB site, so I plan A'd from a distance.