Since these is our second discovery on my husband's affair. How can you trust your own instincts? I mean my husband is leading the way, but I feel like I am resisting. I am tired and confused. <P>I LB’ed on Friday and my husband let me vent and said that he will be honest about his feelings, but will not discuss the affair (the details), because it hurts me so much..<P>I know the OW isn’t a factor anymore, from my husband actions, but I don’t care about her anymore. We saw the OW & her husband Friday evening and it didn’t effect him just me. It is coming onto one month since 2nd discovery. <P>It is out in the public, his friends, family knows all about the affair. My friends are very supportive, some want me to leave him. But I am tired of hurting.<P>Judy<P><BR>[This message has been edited by bighope (edited September 11, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by bighope (edited September 11, 2000).]

Judy,<BR>I would strongly recommend counseling. You can use it as a safe place where he can give you details and the counselor is there to keep you on track & help you manage your hurt long enough to hear your H. And also to tell you what sort of questions aren't ever going to be helpful to the marriage & recovery.<P>As for trust, I personally consider that "on the shelf". You can't refuse to trust (I've tried) because every single day takes a kind of trust--will he come home? If he comes home, will he pack? I couldn't think those thoughts every day without going wacko. I learned to live each day, not dragging the past, not worrying about the future. I don't do it perfectly, but my LBing & desire to LB is way down.<P>My H is giving me accountability, his actions & words are lining up, and gradually trust is building. In our previous attempts to reconcile there really was no reason for me to begin to trust...he wasn't cutting off all contact nor was he telling me when they spoke or emailed.<P>It takes time. You can trust your instincts, but also realize that your instincts have a hair trigger and may go off when a certain behavior mimes past trouble. When my anxiety shoots up, I call or go see my H. Seeing is better because his eyes tell me if it is "our" problem or if it is regular stress--which is also the reason he gave when things first went wrong, so it doesn't necessarily reassure me like it should.<P>If you plan to put your marriage back together, tell the friends who want you to leave him that you aren't planning to do so, and although they are welcome to share their opinion, you would appreciate their support in strengthening your marriage, not tearing your H apart. Some of that is ignorance, they haven't faced this, or if they did, they may have dumped their H without the efforts of MB or Divorce Busting & they don't want to think that they may have done the wrong thing.<P>Our opinions are tied to our own actions & beliefs, and so are those of our friends. I had a friend tell me I COULD NOT divorce my H, no matter what, it was sin. I agreed God hates divorce, he hates all sin, and so he hates her gossiping just as much. Believe it or not, we're still great friends.<P>If you are tired & confused, you might want to consider anti-depressants. I found them invaluable in helping me actually think through things. Take some time to do things you like to do--light a candle, listen to some music, dance, watch the Broncs --great game yesterday by the way.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."<BR>(Proverbs 15:1).

lor:<P>Thanks for your reply. I showed it to my husband last night, he thought it was great as well.<P>I am currently taking St. Johns Wart for about 4 weeks now. I am very tired from the last six months and to be turned upside down once again.<P>My husband is handling this so much better then I. He is my support and I turn to him. I really didn't the first time, but now I feel what do I have to lose. I really never have been so opened as I am now, and that is thanks to my husband.<P>He is going an a week trip starting Saturday and will be back on Thursday late, this is schooling for his work. I am going to miss him, but I will stay busy to help the time pass.<P>I really love my husband and I know he really loves me after all we have put each other through.<P>I have been taking care of myself, even my husband noticed. I did these things to improve myself and to find the people I lost along time ago and she is back!!!!<P>I would have loved to have watched the Broncos play Sunday, but instead I watched the Rams and Seattle. I am not in the viewing area for the Broncos, so I watch at the bottom the the TV to see the score and later watch the highlights. Tough battle there as well, but I enjoy watching it.<BR>Thanks,<BR>Judy<BR>