I have been struggling with a sense of isolation. This board is one way that I feel more connected to people.<P>I realized as a SAHM (stayathomemom) I had isolated myself far too much. So during this past year I have been taking steps to fix that. I've thought about pursuing an executive job again, but feel my kids would then have very little of us since my h works/is gone so much.<P>So I tried instead to meet people doing things I like. I was a regular at the gym and started meeting ladies in my power flex classes. I started dance and painting classes. This was going well for awhile, then h's travel schedule went crazy and I've been on the road a lot.<P>He loves the travel. It certainly has many pluses. Visiting new places, lots of time with the kids where I don't have to cook or keep house.<P>But it has been so much that I again feel isolated. And when he is distant or just too busy to meet my needs, it is a double whammy. I spend much of the day at playgrounds in exotic countries like Ireland watching my 3 and 5 year old play. Other moms all know each other, and I feel at best I might have a good chat but will never see them again. You know, always the outsider?<P>My h, on the other hand, is extremely involved in his work, and maintains 50+ relationships, many of them developing into friendships.<P>Even when out of the country, I try to log onto MB. It is one of the ways I stay connected to adult people.<P>Any other ideas out there? I don't see an end to this any time soon. I'm not real good at making new friends. I am starting to go back to the same places, so that would be something to try.

schizzo,<BR>Will much of your travel end when your 5 year old starts school? Or are your planning to home school?<P>If you "only" have a year left, then make sure you take advantage of all the wonderful places you visit and it will probably become a fond memory.<P>If this is a problem that needs to be addressed now, however, what are your options?<P>Cut back on travel...cold places winter months would be logical to avoid.<P>Hire a nanny to travel with you so you have more adult time?<P>Does your H only get distant when the kids are with you or does he get distant when you two are alone?<P>By the way, what kind of painting class were you taking?<P>

Just wanted to pop in quick and comment on one thing: never limit yourself or isolate yourself from other moms when you are travelling. Take advantage of the opportunity to meet and develop new friendships. So - they only last a week? That's not a big deal - you will have allowed a little bit of someone new to enrich your life. And you never know, maybe you will find someone who actually keeps in touch and develop a wonderful, supportive friendship! And you will find that every single time, it gets easier to meet new people. I have travelled for business, and I am proud to say that I have never isolated myself. I have, after 40 years, learned to "network"!!! It's so rewarding and it is FUN!<P>Make yourself up some "business" cards with your name and an email address that you wouldn't mind sharing... if you meet another mom who would like to keep in touch, give her "your card" and laugh about it! Betcha you'll give some of the other "travelling moms" an idea, too!<P>PLEASE... treasure the opportunities to travel to neat places and be able to spend some of that time with your husband. Try to love it as much as he does - "act as if" - and you will eventually come to love it as much as he does! I don't want to sound depressing, but so many of us would LOVE to have the opportunity to be with our spouses at all, let alone to travel with them. Find a way to enjoy it ... <P>I hope this helps somehow!<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

FHL, thanks for replying.<P>School, now that could be a thread all on its own. My son was supposed to start kinder weeks ago. It seems the best answer right now is to leave him in his Montessori school since they are willing to work with the absences.<P>My h has often suggested I homeschool. I just know I'm not ready to do that. For the last month while travelling, I've had them 24 by 7. The trip I was supposed to leave for today with my h fell through, and he went alone. He was afraid to tell me last night, but I was relieved! I guess I'm just a little burned out, it was so nice to take them to school today!<P>You touched on another issue. I believe I need to know he is willing to change jobs to normalize our lives. We both believe after trying so many things that he will never be able to really cut back on the travel with this company. Did I say that early April was the last time he spent a week at home?<P>We are talking about this now, and I'm encouraged that he is really wanting to do what it takes. We're thinking two more years, that would make it possible to save so he can take off a year rather than jumping to another job. Crazy idea? We have never both been unemployed together.<P>He gets distant when he feels upset about something. The kids give me many more ways to fail him. I'm trying to help him chill.<P>It was an oil painting class with a bunch of senior citizens. They were a trip. <P>

terri,<P>Thanks for responding. I know it's been very painful for you.<P>I'll take all the ideas you care to give. I need to learn to network. I moved around so much as a kid (16 schools by the 8th grade) that I stopped trying to meet new people. Now it's something I'm shy about.<P>I don't know if I should act like I like it like he does. We're trying to be really honest with each other about everything. I do try to balance it by also talking about the many things I do like about it.<P>FHL, you mentined a nanny. I don't see it. It would be so expensive and we would have her in the same hotel room with us. We spent most of the last month sleeping in one room together. And she would have to be very ugly.

OK...sleeping in the same room with your H and kids that often must turn from fun and adventuresome to cramped and a real privacy buster.<P>Are you sure you all this travel is not counter productive in some way?<P>OK...you are obviously questioning it and looking at the long term.<P>You all deserve some normalness in the greater percentage of your life and some new opportunities and adventure maybe in a smaller percentage.<P>Some days it is just hard, isn't it?

Yes, it is counterproductive, though my kids are very sound sleepers. Though I sometimes think my son only pretends to sleep.<P>Yes, sometimes it is counterproductive. That is the question. How much do I go vs. going back to the old model that he travels while I stay home? Dublin was a conference of the worldwide sales force. He was the only one that brought the family. He no longer cares what they think about him bringing us.<P>But I took the opportunity to point out how the other wives would not sign up for this lifestyle. His boss has no kids. Still his wife never goes with him. They are very wealthy but she works anyway. I don't think they have a very good marriage since I know the h travels 80+%. In fact, the culture at his job is bad, since from the CEO down, they are mostly single and footloose with women in different cities.<P>Of course, I never thought my h would do it.<P>FHL, I read your post to firestorm. You are right. But I have a question. If it is true as he claims that it was PA once and he confessed, doesn't that make it somewhat easier to rebuild trust? I know he should not have resumed contact. But at least it didn't go on as a PA for months or years.<P>It sounds to me like he wanted to help the woman in distress again, felt better. <BR>

I think you're very brave to travel with young children. Some days I'm afraid to take mine to the grocery store!<P>You mentioned you're starting to return to the same places, correct? If you're traveling to different cities in Europe, you might check out the American Women's Club in that city or other, similar groups probably called something like the International Women's Club of (city name). I've lived in Europe for 5 years now and just found an english speaking play group. I also find it hard to make friends but it helped a great deal to talk with other women in two culture marriages (is that what it's called?) as well as finally being able to talk with others who share my native language.<P>I would think that a group like this would be welcoming and understanding of what you're going through traveling with two kids and a husband. Otherwise, I agree with striking up conversations with other moms, at least in the places where you speak the language. I only say this because part of my isolation is from not knowing the native language where I live well enough to converse comfortably. <P>I hope this can help you. You might try searching for the American Women's Club and the city(s) you travel to on Yahoo or another search engine. I know they have clubs all over and many have web pages.<P>Taking care of children is difficult enough when we're in our own home but add on the stresses of being in a foreign country or strange city and going to restaurants three times a day...yikes! You have my respect and admiration!<P>SMW

Good question.<P>My own H alledgedly didn't have sex, or anything more than kissy face romps.<P>I tend to believe him for several reasons based on his past history and because of a few off-hand remarks he made while not trying to convince me.<P>But if I found out today it was sexual, it wouldn't be the biggest surprise in my life. The truth is you never really know.<P>You are right, it is easier to build trust when it is short term rather than long term. In my H's case it was short, not too emotional on his part and not too physical.<P>But once there is a lie or cover-up when all the truth is said to be on the table...your brain fries...and at least for me, that is when trust is destroyed.<P>It was relatively easy to trust post discovery. I caught him walking away and there was evidence of that, including a Christmas present never given.<P>It was when I discovered the continued phone contact 8 weeks later that my heart turned cold. To this day it would have been easier to walk...not that I wish I had and not that I don't think we have made tremendous progress. It just would have been easier to end it and move on.<P>I know it should have been expected, but the one thing I can not get over is that my H saw this thing devastating me and he could still lie and he could still risk all he reportedly holds dear.<P>Sounds to me like your H came clean and whether he felt like it or not, did what it took without lying.<P>I don't have the sexual stuff to get over, and you don't have the lies.<P>Sounds like a sick tie.

Thank-you sadman's wife. I speak three languages and we haven't been places where language has been a problem.<P>It is hard to travel with two little ones. Today I was remembering the last time my 5 year old ran off on me and boarded a train several cars away from where I was walking, struggling along with a sleeping 3 year old. I just had time to see that he did board the train and I jumped into the nearest car and walked through. Boy, was that scary. My h was at work.<P>FHL, I didn't know your h was in contact later. But many times it is more to get some kind of closure. Well, my h lied to me for a long time. But it's true that he did not contact her again. That would have been hard to deal with. I know many WS go through this.<P>But he had already attempted to move to the "friends" mode before d-day (it didn't work). And I think the no contact letter works very well because he was too proud to call her after sending that letter.<P>But he wanted to know how she was doing, felt so bad for taking her down this road, etc. When I pointed out that she made her own bad choices, he looked at me surprised and said he felt it was all his fault, that he was totally irresistible. <P>You know all about the fog. You can't hold onto the feeling of how could he do it when he knew it was devastating you. It was a month from the time he first told me he was not in love with me and wanted to move out (and I began to suspect, but just couldn't believe it) and he could see how it was devastating me. He still took another trip there and this time spent 5 nights of all-out PA instead of the several one nights.<P>I had begged him not to go and hit an all time low that week. He too knew it was devastating me, but he had to go that last time to "end" it. Yeah, they took it to a new level. They not only had sex, but woke up next to each other while dumb wife here thought he was in his hotel. He had asked me to call at the cell phone, and I did once. When he treated me so badly, I decided not to call again.<P>I thought I couldn't get over that, but I am. It's not good for me to hold onto it. Have you read Phil McGraw's great chapter on forgiveness in "Life Strategies"? He says forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves.<BR>

I started the book...and have to get back to it.<P>I think I have forgiven. I think the event has changed me. I am not bitter, but resigned to the sad fact I overlooked that we are all sinful and thereby untrustworthy. You can forgive that all day and it is still true.<P>You were lied to as well as your H watched your devastation. I can't imagine doing that.<P>By the time we had SAA, I thought the affair was over for longer than it had went on, so I am not sure I we even discussed a letter.<P>The second time I think he agreed to a letter, but didn't write one. To be honest, since she was a brazen hussy, anyway, I don't think it would have had an impact on her. I think she was going wiggy on him anyway and I think he thought a letter could have unintended consequenses...like her creating a Jerry Springer moment in our front yard.<P>I also think the additional contact was not much to do with extending the affair, but really out of guilt and pressure. Still, I was clearly not the top priority and that stings, doesn't it?<P>It is so nice to have you back, relax and enjoy this time at home