I would like your opinion on this so that I may show my hubby what others have to say about this situation.<P>I need to opinions of totally unbiased folks looking in from the outside please.<P>My hubby thinks I am crazy for thinking he is having an unappropriate relationship or perhaps an affair with his ex-girlfreind. He thinks I am crazy for not trusting him.<P>This all started last year. Its long and ugly, so I will keep it short and to the point. Last year hubby runs into his ex-gf (whom he abruptly dumped to marry me). Then all the following starts to happen.<P>1. I found him in his office with and I love you e-mail from her. He refused for months on end to tell me who it was from.<P>2. She called him from Canada several times on his cell phone to make sure he was ok. I find it strange that out of everybody on this island she is calling my hubby long distance. He and she has it worked out that she would page him with his cell phone number. He also had a long distance phone card.<P>3. He starts shaving (down there)after a year of not shaving. He has told me about how they used to like to be shaven down there.<P><BR>4. Whenever I check his cell phone her number is always on it.<P>5. 2 weeks ago I found him in his truck with her and he had his wedding ring off. <P>6. He takes several hours to come home each night after work.<P>He says I should not be upset by this and that they are just freinds. I think it is obvious what he is doing and I'd would like him to see what it appears to be to others.<P>Thank you so very much for your time.

My H also has a "friend". To be fair, I do think that he broke off whatever was going on as soon as I confronted him, and that nothing is going on NOW.<P>However, he refuses to avoid all contact with her...because he says that he just thinks of her as a "friend". I believe that this continued contact, no matter how casual it may be, is a major problem in our marriage recovery, along with his dishonesty about his relationship with her.<P>Yes, it certainly does seem to me that your H's actions are very suspicious. I wouldn't buy the "just friends" story for a minute!<BR>

Hi,<P>I am afraid like someone said on just found out: If it looks like a rat, walks like a rat, it must be rat.<P>I was in denial about my H's affair although the late nights home from work, the frequent overseas travels, and some signs pointed that way. I didn't want to deal with it and also I trusted him with all my heart. The tell-tale signs were less obvious than your H's.<P>I am afraid you have to brace yourself. No one wants to admit they are having an affair unless they want out of a marriage or they have been caught in the act.<P>I am sorry to disappoint you.<P>God Bless You<BR>Take care<BR>weep

SadnLonely...<BR>and<BR>SadnLonely's H!<P>Please check out the 2 posts by peppermint and firestorm...<BR>...ask yourselves...<BR><B>is this the road you want to follow</B>?<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/000403.html" TARGET=_blank>Building walls and opening windows...</A> and<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/000410.html" TARGET=_blank>To all my MB friends: An apology and a plea</A><P>Love can be had!<P><B>SadnLonely's H</B>...<BR>...you're going down the wrong way of a oneway street<BR>...stop<BR>...<B>feel</B> the pain... (it really is pain) that SadnLonely is feeling<BR>...and <B>no</B> it is not selfishness on her part.<P>How do you stop a person from making the biggest mistake of their life?...<BR>...if I had that answer...<BR>...I know I would stop you<BR>...I mean this... lovingly.<P>Please... wait... pause... reflect... <B>stop</B>!<P> <P>Jim

Gadzooks!! I am sorry but that is totally unacceptable behavior for a husband. If he hasn't stepped over the line yet he is quite obviously on a direct path to infidelity. The only men I know who take their wedding rings off do it for one reason and one reason only.....and it ain't because the ring is too tight. IMHO he knows exactly what he is doing, but what he can't possibly know is the hurt that will inevitably come out of his actions. That kind of pain is indescribeable.<BR>Have him spend some time reading the posts on these different MB forums. Good luck

[RE: My hubby thinks I am crazy for thinking he is having an unappropriate relationship or perhaps an affair with his ex-girlfreind. He thinks I am crazy for not trusting him.]<BR>When my H was in A and I would ask him about certain things he also made me think I was crazy or paranoid, convinced me the activities I questioned were completely innocent and I should trust him. There was NO ONE else, he said. It was only when I found cell phone bill with her # all over it that he came clean. You already have that (and more). Sorry - hope things work out for you when the honesty comes.

SadnLonely,<P>After reading your post, is see several things that are ver familiar to me. Being a betrayer I see your H using allot of the tools that are used to keep affairs in the dark. The OW used to call my work number and let my phone ring one time. That was a signal that it was ok for me to call her at home. This did not occur very often because she usually called me from a pay phone.<P>Change in appearance. I don't think that I did this, but then again, I was blind.<P>If she is calling him from long distance, she is not calling as a friend. She is interested and right now probably stroking his ego 100%.<P>I was friends with the OW for 14 years. I used to tell my W the same thing. I would say something like, "why does that bother you, we are just friends". And the Easter Bunny is really Santa Clause.<P>This affair may not be physical yet but it is headed in that direction. Your H will have to totally commit to your marriage and end ALL contact with the OW. Keep this in mind, if he dumped her to marry you, he saw something much better in you. In time he will see that again. But, he dumper her TO MARRY YOU. Could she be trying to get a little pay back? There is even a good chance that she cares nothing about him, only in getting back at you. If this is true, he will see that very soon.<P>Please use plan A as best as you can. Get him to talk to you about your relationship. Try as best as you can to get him to open up. And remember this, right now he is not in his right mind. <P>If I can help you in anyway, please ask. My thoughts and prayers are with you here.<P>fs

Even if he is not sleeping with her, it is most definately an inappropriate relationship, and one a married person should never have with anyone other than their spouse. <P>If he can't see that this situation is wrong, he is in need of help in a big way!!!<P>You are a fool if you compliantly allow this relationship to continue!

Instead of trying to get him to confess, try to talk to him about his ENs. Are you meeting them? Then ask him what EN his "friend" fills. Even if they are friends+, she fills some need, all friends do. If they are just friends he will be very open about their relationship. <P>Find out if this is missing in your relationship. Try to make a plan of action with him to get you two back on track and romantic again. <P>If it is already an EA or worse a PA, he will say your nuts, or have no interest in being romantic with you. Then you'll know.<BR>Or make a plan for the three of you to get together, you can enter her life easily if they are friends.(only)<P>Be careful to make your plan of talking to him long before you do, so you are not caught off guard to some reaction of his. Yelling won't get you what you want.<P>And Hubby, if you are reading this, you are walking right into the trap, it is easier than you imagine to slip into an affair and destroy the faith and sanctity in your marriage. REALLY think about this. You can never take it back...

Thanks you guys. This has been going on for a year - it has already destroyed us.<P>I'm just glad it looks as bad to you as it does to me and I am not crazy.<P>Here is my first post if you wanted the back ground on us. Its too much to go into, lol.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum8/HTML/001280.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum8/HTML/001280.html</A> <P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by SadnLonely (edited September 12, 2000).]

Ya know what I don't understand. He says she is an old, ugly, fat, phycotic ***** and she once called me to see if I was ok (after we had another fight about her) because she said he is an abusive alcoholic. I've asked them why they continue to sneak around with each other when they hold each other in such low regard. They're answer is that they make better freinds than lover. Whatever, I'm disgusted and hurt. It has ended out marriage.<P>I'm 10 years younger than her, 100 lbs lighter and 4" inches taller than her. I just don't get it.<P>I just want to scream. I've told my hubby for the past year to stop sneaking around with her or its going to kill us and he is giving her things that he should be giving our relationship. He has refused to, and now, in my eyes he has chosen her over me.<P>When I found them in the truck. Smoking cigaretes, the engine running and him with his ring on the atenna of his cell phone. They both swore nothing was going on. He said she called him and asked for a smoke. He brought one to her. The old sow works above a convenience store. I said she should burned a few calories and got her self some. When ever I have called my hubby to pick me up something he has always told me to get it myself. <BR>

Sad,<P>I read the thread you referenced.<P>It is so sad that it sounds like you would rather continue to put yourself down rather than admit you may have been wrong about him from the beginning.<P>I guess you are still with him. Is he still abusing you? He sounds sooo much like my step-father. Only he was abusing me as the young daughter, not my mother. But it took her 10 years to finally leave him.<P>I too have struggled with low self-esteem, especially from my childhood treatment. <P>I am learning some tremendous lessons about standing up for myself. I got so much out of reading the book "Life Strategies" by Phil McGraw.<P>Please give us an update. That last thread was in July. It's not just your marriage at stake, it's you and your child (a D?).<p>[This message has been edited by schizzo (edited September 12, 2000).]

Hey SadnLonely,<BR>I thought I'd check in on you and let you know my thoughts are with you. I still think you need to get out because you're still be subjected to the emotional abuse. Are you still with him? <P>Anyway, I'm not posting these days....dealing with quite a mess myself. I'll be praying for you. Take care of yourself and child. Tess<P>P.S. Do you go to church anywhere? I remember reading you are alone. You could find a lot of sincere support there and I think we all could use a little of that. Goodnight

Tessa, good to see you. I hope you are doing ok.<P>Yes, I'm still here with him. Was trying for a while, but gave up the day I found him in the truck. I was so devestated by it I hired an attorney and took off my ring. <P>He also has legal council. <P>I still come here everyday. Mostly read the post. I've come to care a great deal about the people on here and their struggles.<P>Take care!<BR>

Sad,<BR> I'm sorry, but the minute he started shaving down there, with me knowing all about the contact with her, and finding him and her in the truck with no wedding ring, I would have locked him out. He'd have never had to worry about putting the ring back on, because it would have been where the sun don't shine on him. But that's just me.

Lmao Kt,<P>thats what I felt like doing, but got a lawyer instead.<P>He would have been outraged if he would have found me in a truck w/o my wedding with a man he has asked me repeatedly to stop seeing.<P>I took mine off that day and refuse to put it back on and it makes him mad.<BR>