I need some words of support here. It's my H B-day Weekend and we have 4 days off together. We have some fun things planed, a brunch with his family, going out to dinner one night. I have just read Surviving the affair and will try to put planA into full action this weekend. I think I can manage not to say anything disrespectfull, but the thing I am having trouble with is how to act like I did when we were dating when I felt loved and confident in him. I felt indepentant and strong and happy. Now I have all these hurt depressed feelings, know he doen't think he loves me and is probably thinking of her. Any suggestions? Oh, I wrote more in my profile if anyone is interested. Thanks, Lora

Lora,<P>Being in plan A doesn't mean you have to give up on your feelings. The key to not love busting is not to act on your feelings. Try and listen to your husband and not take what he says to personal. The person in the affair is not playing by the same nonlovebusting rules that you are so keep that in mind. What you will be doing wont seem fair. You might want to give Steve Harley a call if you need more advice on how to proceed. You can contact him through this site. <P>Good luck, be strong and hope you have a good weekend.

If he says that friendship is more important to him, then be his best friend ever. Make him think of you, and what he's missing in the friendship when he's not with you. I think that that's a part of the secret of meeting emotional needs - that the other person likes having those needs met and misses it when it stops. <P>I did read your profile. A bit concerned that your H hasn't acknowledged that he's in an emotional relationship, or perhaps even a physical one (I hope not, but you did mention several compelling symptoms). <P>I'm no expert, but I'd say try to really enjoy this weekend, and not use it as an opportunity to talk about these events. Show him that you can give him the kind of company he really wants. Sounds like you need to do a lot of giving in order to just get him to open up and tell you what's going on. Once that happens, as painful as it may be, then you may be able to begin the process of restoring your marriage. Definitely read everything Dr. Harley has to offer on this site. It makes an awful lot of sense.<P>Have a great weekend

One of the things I keep in mind when I talk to Robin is love is an action.<P>Love is patient<BR>Love is kind<BR>Love does not envy<BR>Love does not boast, it is not proud<BR>Love is not rude<BR>Love is not self-seeking<BR>Love keeps no record of wrongs<BR>Love always trusts<BR>Love always hopes<P>I believe if you can do all of these actions though they may feel awkward, you won't lovebust.<P>When I talk to Robin and I do these things I feel good about me, because I know I did my part. It also fits into the 180 degree turn around I am doing in how I act and talk to Robin. <P>I hope I helped this is just my experience, and it's been less than a week since I have started this approach, however I have noticed some immediate changes in her.<P>Best wishes on you trip. I just said a prayer for you.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Lora, I read your profile. Your situation is far more intense than mine was, but not hopeless by any stretch.<P>Your H is the same kind of lunkhead mine was. He's not even aware that he's having an affair. He probably believes in his heart of hearts that this is just a friendship, and makes NO connection between his professed lack of feelings for you and this woman.<P>FHL helped me a lot on this front...she told me to separate out my feelings about what he does from his intent. That does help. <P>Ultimately, the answer for you is Plan A. If your H can communicate his needs, so much the better. If he can't, you'll have to guess. Try to think of things he likes, and that he likes to do, that you always have an excuse not to do -- rub his back, take a hike, go for a walk, go out for ice cream, whatever. Then, instead of making an excuse, do them. Find a way to enjoy them. Believe me, it'll help.<P>Right now he is with YOU, not her. Forget about the reasons. My H probably stuck around because Dragon Lady has a child and my H is not daddy material. Whatever. He was HERE, and as long as he was HERE, I could work with him.<P>And so can you.<P>Another thing is VENT. Vent, vent, vent. I have about six women that I correspond with via E-mail, and they were all wonderful support for me. And I vented here. This kind of "virtual venting" is preferable to venting to your "real world" friends because this sort of thing tends to shake up people's worlds; they think it's contagious.<P>I called my "real world" friends and told them what was going on. I told them I would not be around much until I had fixed the situation. I assured them that such things are NOT contagious, and my situation didn't mean anything to theirs. And they were great about it.<P>Vent here. You have my E-mail address. E-mail me. I do understand, and so do many people here.

Thanks everyone, That was soooo helpful. I made it through one day with no lovebusting. 3 more to go. Feels like a marathon. I think we will go to a movie today for a pleasant, non- threatning activity. Yes, dazed, I think you are right. At this point he doesn't beleive he is having an affair and I guess that is what confuses me on how to procede in the future if he never acknowloges it. Things are minutely better between us, at least I don't feel he is so angry and hatefull towards me since our Thanksgiving talk. Of course I wonder if he is just being a little nicer to make me be less suspious, but I'll take what I can get right now. Lora

Most don't think of an 'emotional' relationship as being an affair. My W was in one, well they kissed,hugged, he tried to 'pet' etc...he wanted all of it, she was at least strong for the moment, but the more they spent the worse it would have got.I caught it early on. I had to look up the definition if Affair and Infidelity in the dictionary, do that , show it to him. It fit.<BR>Besides, the Bible says that if you commit adultery in the mind, sorry You've done the deed as far as God is concerned. My W admitted to me that she had fantasized about sex with him, so bingo, Affair! ON the same hand, a few years ago...she caught me in a emotional affair, it was less than what she did, but it made her uncomfortable, I was having coffee only with this younger woman and it made me feel good , a male ego thing.<BR>but i cut it off. Thats when I realized what it was, my emotions were blocking my common senses. <P>------------------<BR>jnvc<BR>

Good attitude, Lora. Any progress is good. Remember...men are like dogs. They train better when you reward good behavior than when you punish bad. <P>I make a point of telling H I appreciate what he did every time he does something, no matter how trivial. That goes a long way. He bought me jewelry for my birthday after 13 years of not. Praise, praise, praise.<P>Try to get a handle on what needs this person fills that you don't, then work on that. In my case, H needs a lot of support and nurturing. I was busy and involved in other things, he wasn't getting it from me, so he got it from her. Also, he has strong recreational needs. If your H can't come up with things for you both to do, then you do it. If nothing else, go out to Sunday brunch. But DO SOMETHING TOGETHER. Don't get bogged down in yardwork and laundry.<P>Does your H hate yard work? Hire a service. I did that this year, and now I have less anxiety about "When will he do it?", a healthier lawn, more time, and a non-resentful H.<P>This does NOT mean being a doormat. You tell yourself you are doing these things because you love him and you've gotten sloppy about how you behave with him.<P>Here's a book for you that will make a difference: HOW ONE OF YOU CAN BRING BOTH OF YOU TOGETHER, by Susan Page. It's made a HUGE difference for me and others here. You can get it at amazon.com.<P>It will probably take you longer to see significant results than it did me, because your H is more deeply involved. However, you are clearly seeing SOME results already. Keep up the good work, and keep us posted.<P>And if you want to rant about his "friend", do it here!

Well, he forgot I told him I have today off. Another fine example of our failure to communicate. When I told him I wasn't going to work today he seemed surprized and like he may have had other plans. The old me may have said something along the lines of "did you have a date schedualed for today?" The new me said, oh, I thought I told you I have today off, would you like to go to a movie this afternoon? And he agreed to go so we will either see toy story or the Green Mile.<BR>I wish I did'nt feel so suspicious of everything. I never used to be like this and it's hard to tolerate in myself so I guess I can see where he wouldn't like it either. Lora

Yeah, Lora, until I woke up and realized what was going on, I was never jealous either. Ever. Or suspicious.<P>Then, every time he was out of my sight, I wondered where he was. My H has to do a lot of work outside of business hours, and every time he went to work on the weekend, I'd wonder if he was seeing her. Sometimes I still do, then I pinch myself. Often I go in with him. We go out to breakfast, then I go with him and write, or surf the Internet, while he works; so it's an outing for the two of us.<P>Every time you don't lovebust, pat yourself on the back. You deserve it. The way you handled today was nice work. And see? Your suspicions were for nothing. If you keep this up, you'll see great results very soon.

Dazed and Confused,<P>What the heck does "Men are like Dogs" mean.<BR>Certainly doesn't sound like a very positive relationship building perspective on things.