My husband of 4 years had an affair and left me about 8 months ago. Over that 8 months the longest he has gone without communicating with me is 2 weeks. He has also moved back in once for a weekend and once for a month. Several other times he has promised to work things out and then bailed. Finally after all of this we have had some honest discussions and he has admitted that he is just deciding to take the easy road out. He loves me and it hurts him to be apart but it is easier to be with this other person. He can't face me or himself and be reminded of what he did, the biggest mistake of his life. This makes me so sad for him that he has admitted to choosing unhappiness. Is there anything I can say to him?

HI,<BR> I guess I am not one to really listen to. Married 26 years, 2 yrs ago found out w was cheating. We are still trying and I think things will work.<BR> You dont give your age but he sounds young, if not young then imature. I think he wants his cake and eat it too. ILl hate to see anyone treat a person bad and hurt them deaply, that sounds like what he is doing to you. I have read many replys on this site and I am in the minority. But I would say tell him to stay or go but not both. If he thinks he can have you both then he may just try. Remember that actions speak louder than words. Watch what he does not what he says.<BR> Good luck.

Welcome JTyler:<P>Sorry, but I don't think "taking the easy way out" is your H's problem. It's really taking the "feels good" route. He's shown he's not afraid to come home and live with his mistakes...by several attempts to do so...but he likes what he's found elsewhere and he also wants that.<P>Well, what do you do? No one knows your situation better then you. If you have not read all the material available on this site, then that would be a good place to start. This will give you a good idea if there are some problem areas in your marriage. If there are then you can begin to work in those areas.<P>Since you are already separated, then you must begin to plan for those time when you are together and concentrate on<BR>the areas in your relationship that need work. <P>Your H is getting something in this outside relationship he is not getting from you. It's not just a matter of being "easier to be with" the OW. Remember anything she can do you can do too (and probably better), so talk to you H and use the feedback you get from him to isolate areas that you can concentrate your efforts on. <P>If after a period of time during which you have tried to meet your H's emotional needs, building up your H's lovebank, and changed any inappropriate ways of interacting with him, he is still not showing any signs of change, then you may need to move into a Plan B whereby you withdraw from contact with him and let OW meet all his needs while you concentrate on yourself and your life.<P>I'm afraid that if his problem has reached the level of infidelity in only 4 years that he is either not ready for marriage or there is a serious problem not being addressed in the marriage.<P>Please let us know what happens.<P>Buffy

Welcome <B>jtyler</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>If you stil feel love for your H...<BR>Start on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<P>Read all you can starting at my <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>Welcome</A> post.<P> <P>Jim

Buffy gave great advice, but I do have to disagree on one point. I really don't think that it matters how long you've been married. I've only been married for one year , and I'm dealing with this issue. But the bottom line is, there is still love between myself and my H, and we're building on that.<P>The first thing, like everybody in here has said, is Plan A. It took a LONG time for me to acknowledge that I was not the wife that I should have been, and that even in a short period of time, I took my H for granted. That by no means excuses his A, but I do take responsibility for creating the atmosphere that helped make the affair possible. One big thing that I learned in my session with Jennifer Harley is <B>VULNERABILITY + OPPORTUNITY = TROUBLE</B><P>Become an expert at meeting his needs (find out from him what they are if possible). As you take on a more forgiving and sweet demeanor, not only is it noticed by your H, you start to feel like a great person yourself. It feels good! If after a period of time this still doesn't work, cut off contact with your H altogether (Plan B), and let the OW try to meet his needs. That way, he'll be cut off with only his best memories of you. Trust me, the OW will NOT be able to fill your shoes. Read the info on this site about the Basic Concepts - they have helped a lot of people.<P>Like I said, I don't think that it matters how long you've been married. Hey honey, we get through this, learn to meet the EN's and just be in love again, and we'll be better off in the long run! <P>Good Luck!<p>[This message has been edited by Carolina Belle (edited September 14, 2000).]