My H is searching for more objective info. as to why an affair resulting in marriage might not be the best scenario. If you have read the book "Private Lies" I am very curious about any insight. He has warned me that the book might result in him having more of a desire to contact the OW and ask her more questions......YIKES!! He knows the thought of that scres me to death.....but oh, well.<P>He really is having alot of problems making any kind of decision about me vs. the OW. He knows all my good and bad, but doesn't know many negatives about her, so can't be objective very easily.<P>Oh, the feelings of rejection, insecurity, hopelessness.......not a very pleasant experience........<P>Jenn<P>------------------<BR>

Hi Jennifer,<P> It's good that he is reading and don't be afraid, at least it's a pro-marriage book....my H ordered "Should I go or should I Stay?" when he was in the middle of the affair(talk about feeling afraid!) Anyway, have him read the chapter on Divorce and remarriage.....Pittman says that 2nd marriages have a pitifully low success rate and if you want any chance of success one of the rules are "don't marry your affair partner"........so let him read away!! LU

Jenn<BR>I have read "Private Lies" and found it to be very informative. As Lu says it is pro marriage as are most books on the subject.<P>Like all books they will be read with the perspective and interpretation that the person reading it wants to conclude.<P>I would have no problem giving it to my W to read but she isn't inclined at the moment to want to read books on the subject. if your husband is I believe that is a good sign.<BR>Regards<BR>Fairenough<P>

JJ - I was just rereading it the other night, going back over the highlighted paragraphs. It IS pro-marriage, but it also injects a strong dose of reality into your thinking about it. (I'd suggest you read it too - it gives a lot of insight into the different types of affairs, why people get into them, and how they tend to play out.) Also, the statistics he gives for a marriage recovering from adultery are not very encouraging. Like I say, it's a strong does of reality therapy. Regards and blessings,<P>--Wex

Hey, we got the book last night and I've skimmed some of it. I thought the part about romantic types of affairs was especially interesting. The author talks about how people in these types of affairs are in such an intense emotional state that they tend to overlook and discount other real emotions/people affected. He says that this is NOT the type of love that marriages should be built on, but that affairs commonly get stuck in. I would bet this is the most common type of affair.<P>It is very reality based, and his stats. for surviving infidelity (50%) are not great, but much better than surviving an affair based marriage at least!<P>It does look like great info. for all involved in this most unfortunate he#& we are all experiencing.<P>Jenn

bringing it up to the top.<BR>i just finished it last night and it gives alot of insight into why and how. it allows me also to see where she is coming from, i highly recommend it.

After the Affair by Janis Abrahms Spring is very good. The first few chapters talk about why/why nots of leaving the marriage. I think it makes you think PLENTY before leaving.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

I think Pittman also has authored a book "Oh, Grow Up" or something like that. If your H likes his style of writing, you might check that out. Haven't read it, but read Private Lies and in my own case, it gave me more information about the affair than anything else I read.<P>Think my H's feel into accidental which was not included in any other book I read.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

I feel my W feel into romantic- she is a dreamer and a romantic- she missed i feel the rush of being "in-love".<P>of course, i wasnt attending to her needs either, so that helped.

Hi, my H actually asked to read Private Lies as he had hear about it. I am not sure if he has read it yet or not but I do think, from what I have read of it, that it tends to be realistic to a point. Good luck.

My view on the Pittman book? Its doubtless pro-marriage, but I disliked what I considered his almost casual acceptance of accidental infidelity. Of course he's right that most couples get past a one-night stand if its confessed immediately (I don't argue the statistics on that), but he really seems to discount the pain a betrayed will feel after even one betrayal. Just my view, I guess.<BR><BR>The typology of affairs is what makes the book worthwhile. The part on philanderers, both male philanderers and female philanderers, reminds me that there are some dangerous people out there (*shudder*). And I also agree that the remarriage chapter is excellent. Its worth reading, I think. My personal pick for best marriage book, and its not directly related to affairs, is David Schnarch's _Passionate Marriage_. Oh my, that book is utterly brilliant.<BR><BR>Bystander

Bystander,<BR>Why Passionate Marriage. It sounds familiar, but what did you get out it?

She si also a pysch. nurse- and i was kinds surprised to see he had a special section on that profession and their mindset.<P>course- does that mean i am an unstable person who needs pysch. care?

FHL,<BR><BR>_Passionate Marriage_ is brilliant because it merges the literatures from three previously disconnected areas: Bowenian personality theory, human sexuality, and marital systems theory. Schnarch's writing is lucid, and despite his annoying tendency to forward-reference (e.g., "As we'll see in the next chapter..."), his merging of these three separate research domains makes for a landmark book, in my opinion. I could go on for hours, but probably the single biggest "takeaway" I got from the book was the paradox of personal growth and how it affects intimacy.<BR><BR>Specifically, to avoid an aversive marital state he calls "emotional fusion," we have to continually grow as individuals. This isn't a painless process, and one's own growth requires that a partner grow as well, or a marriage will end. But what's neat is that as we grow, we become somewhat unlike our spouse, which paradoxically *increases* the potential intimacy spouses can share. So all the pain is "worth it."<BR><BR>The second biggest "takeaway" from his book is his Quantum Model of sexual response (and orgasm). The idea here is that its the total of one's thoughts, feelings, emotions, and physical sensation that lead to a sexual response (and at higher levels, orgasm). The neat thing here is that as we grow throughout our lives, our capacity to have more meaningful emotional connections with our spouse increase as well. We grow from genital-centered sex to emotionally-centered sex; and our capacity to bring a deeper meaning to sex easily surpasses any physical decline we experience as we age. Thus, its unsurprising that people in their 30s, 40s, and 50s (as well as older) report that they are now better lovers than when they were in they teens and early 20s.<BR><BR>All that said, the book is largely based on his 1991 sexual crucible book. Its not an easy read, but its well worth it in my opinion. Did I answer your question? <BR>Bystander

Yes, Thank You, Bystander. Now is there a chapter on accomplishing all this growth and intimacy while raising 3 kids...and can you actually achieve self actualization when you own a mini van? <P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

FHL,<BR><BR>I have three children, ages 4 1/2, 3, and 1, and my spouse and I are planning another child soon. We own a minivan, too! I sure hope that you can grow in these circumstances, we seem to have done so! <BR><BR>Bystander

Good, now I can go on with my day...and I might even order the book <P>My H is the emotionally clueless type, however, so it may depress me a bit. He is affectionate, lots of fun, even tempered and extremely intelligent, though. Kind of like a fun off-beat really nice geek.<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

FHL,<BR><BR>I've been married almost 14 years and both my spouse and I read it. Its a very insightful book, but I should mention that the first five chapters are heavy going. Once you're past them, its a lot easier.<BR><BR>Let me know what you think of it once you're done.<BR><BR>Bystander