I've decided to take the Cafe Broad by the horns.<P>As most of you know, my H has denied any relationship other than "just friends" with Cafe Broad. However, this "friendship" is the one thing that steadily eats away at me.<P>My suspicions of <B>her</B> as being the OW (I had suspected an affair but couldn't figure out who) were initially aroused by a comment from her following the initial confrontation between my H and me when I asked him if he was in love with someone else.<P>For those of you who don't know what the comment was, it was in this context:<P>We were out with a group of friends, which included her. We were laughing and having a good time. We were passing a tray of hors d'oerves (sp?) around, and she refused. Someone urged her to go on and help herself, and she said, "No, maybe oneday I'll find somebody to love me as much as R loves Sweetpea, and I'll be able to eat all I want." Well, this sounded like a slam at my weight, and I looked at her in surprise. The next remark was the clincer. She looked at me and said, in a low, sultry voice, "R does love you, Sweetpea. He's told me so....many, many times."<P>Excuse me? My H is not one to sit around and expound on his love for me (and at that time, he was feeling so little love for me that he couldn't even make love to me!), so when and where were these little chats taking place? Also, I had not said one word to anyone about my suspicions and had been very upbeat when out with my H, so why would she assume that I didn't believe my H loved me?<P>Anyway, I let the remark pass. I have never said ANYTHING to her about my suspicions and have continued to be my sweet and friendly self toward her, despite the fact that she largely tries to ignore me.<P>So, I have decided that I am going to ask her exactly what she meant by her statement.<BR>I don't expect her to tell me the truth, but it should be interesting to see how she tries to get out of it. Either they had those conversations or she lied. If she lied, why did she lie?<P>Needless to say, I am taking my time and planning what I want to say very carefully. I plan to be very calm and will stick directly to asking her about her comment to me...no hysterical accusations about screwing my H, etc. I will just tell her that I've been puzzled by this remark she made and that I need an explanation from her. She may get up and walk off, but that'll be OK.<P>I will also be making sure that if she tries to contact my H afterwards, I will know about it. My house and business phones will be bugged, and I'll have swapped my cellphone for his (they're identical).<P>At any rate, her reaction should tell me a thing or two.<P>So, what do you think?

Dear Sweetpea,<P>My first reaction to your tale about the remark is that Cafe Broad may have a thing for your H and she may have propositioned him "many, many times", but he may be turning her down telling her he loves you. She definitely sounds to be jealous of you and wanting to get her digs in.<P>I'm not so sure confronting her right now would be the best thing. You may be jumping the gun. Your H adamantly denies anything and maybe he's telling you the truth -- unless you have some other evidence that points to it. You may stir up a hornet's nest by confronting her, and that could be to YOUR disadvantage.<P>I would say it might be better to wait and observe some more. Try to be around your H when he goes to her cafe and watch -- objectively!! Don't pay as much attention to her as you do to how your H responds to her flirting. That will tell you more. She may have a crush and a flirtation going on, so whatever she does will obviously look suspicious. It may not matter one bit to him. Look and learn and hold your tongue -- at least for now.<P><P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers,<BR>KristyAnn

Hi, KristyAnn,<BR> Well, there are more reasons why I believed something was going on between my H and Cafe Broad. I HAVE been watching...for two years,now.<P> I believe that she made that remark because she was angry with my husband (for breaking off with her after I confronted him, maybe?). Anyway, a few days after that night, we went out with the same group of friends. She arrived late, and the only seat was beside me. She was very flustered. We later moved around to the other side of the table to talk to some other friends. She kept looking at my H; H was looking back. At one point, I turned around and she was glaring at me. She finally got up and moved to another table; my H kept trying to catch her eye...flirting outrageously while ignoring me. A few days after that, I rode out to the bar to see if H was out there. He called to see where I was just as I got there. She was there and would not speak to me, even though she's supposedly my friend, too. One of H's buddies was there, and the way he looked between her and me was as if he expected a fight to break out. H came in, and we ate (with her glaring at us the whole time), but I had to leave to take my SiL to the hospital to visit her H. I later learned that she joined my H after I left. The next day, he was flirting with her the way he used to do with me when he had pi$$ed me off and was trying to get me to laugh and get over being mad. At this point, he did not know that I suspected her. Then, at the Halloween party a few weeks later, I saw my H rub up against her butt when she bent over the ice cooler. I have never seen my H behave that way toward any other woman, so that also makes me believe they had a sexual relationship, and that he intended to start things back up with her after things cooled off with me. There have been other things, too, like "knowing looks" and nods between them.<P>To her credit, she has never called and harassed me and has not been openly flirtaceous with my H in my presence since shortly after that. At the Halloween party, she did move away at once. The only thing I've seen her do in about 1-1/2 years is to put her hand on my H's shoulder last week. The only thing she's done is try to avoid me. She speaks if I speak to her, but that's about it. She is not a bad person, and I don't think she wants to hurt me, but I do think there is/was some feeling there between my H and her. I think the "digs" were because she was angry with my H.<P>Over two years of this stuff is enough.

Hmmmm, I see what you mean. But, let's give this some thought.<P>I guess at his point, maybe it would be good to try and see just what you're trying to accomplish by confronting her? What are the possibilities here. She may squirm a little and just deny it meant anything, she may blow up and confess everything, or she may just look down her nose at you and say "nothing." Will any of those scenarios make you feel any better? Maybe, maybe not. And, one or all of them could backfire on you and cause the explosion that drives your H straight into her arms. STOP and give that some thought. <P>I still think you need to use caution when approaching Cafe Broad with a confrontation. You may not get what you expected, and almost certainly not what you REALLY want. I assume that is that your H stay away from CB and she leave him alone as well. This proposed confrontation may not accomplish that at all, it may just bring it out into the open so the don't have to sneak around any more. Is THAT a good thing? Maybe, maybe not.<P>All I'm saying, Sweetpea, is to look before you leap. I know you're hurting and feeling frustrated over their less-than-innocent flirtation, but look at all the options and outcomes before you do something you can't undo.<P><P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers,<BR>KristyAnn

Sweetpea,<BR>What if you told your husband the things that you just shared from the past that seem to point to his involvment with CB? Of course, it would have to be done in a loving manner and in a way that would say to him, "if these things mean you are having an affair or if you say that they do not fine, but please understand that they MAKE ME FEEL hurt/unloved/unappreciated/etc. and I would appreciate it if (you stop going to the cafe w/o me, show me more attention when we are out together, etc." To make things right in the marriage, HE has to understand how you are feeling and be willing and able to make the adjustments. It has nothing really to do with the CB so don't even go there. That only gives her the "power" that she has gotten to you. Tell her that she is right, your H does love you very much and that you are secure with your relationship. I think that would make her question her place with him, if they are involved. Remember, that these are his choices that are effecting you and you may be able to suggest another way for him to behave tht might make you happier - but he has to know it. (Just my 2 cents...hope it made sense.)Good luck! Iam4us

Sweetpea: Do it! Confront. How can you stand it. I wouldn't be able to stand it more than 2 seconds let alone 2 years.<P>You have a right to know and her behavior is inexcusable. Ask her. Good Luck.<P>------------------<BR>Lost Soulmate<P>"Character is doing what's right, when no one is looking"

You are a planner, and you usually find out what you are after, - you execute your plans very well.<P>Go for it. (PS, I would never say that to anyone else on the board, but Sweatpea, you are one of a kind!)<P>The question really is, not whether or not you should go for it (because you will anyways, I'm sure) but, what do you expect for an answer, and how do you plan to react?<P>I think there was something going on. <P>My H's "almost mistake" - ha, yeah, right...<BR>She was friendly when I moved here, even though the timing of my husband's "almost mistake" was before I moved here.... Then, 3 months later, she couldn't look me in the eye or respond with a hello, how are you or anything if I even said Hi to her in passing at Wal-mart.<P>Something caused her to be ashamed and avoid me, and I know it was nothing that I did, or anything of that nature at all. I am convinced it was because of him and her. <P>Something is fishy, and it doesn't hurt to ask OW those questions. She wants you to believe nothing was going on, and so does husband, those questions would throw her off guard, and I'm curious what her answer will be.<P>TNT

Sweetpea, I say confront her, and if it were me I think I would tell her too keep her hands off my h too while I was at it ! Of course that is just me, and we all know how bad I am.<P>------------------<BR>Deb<P>Hepatitis C, Please educate yourself ! <A HREF="http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In" TARGET=_blank>http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In</A> memory of a very dear friend <A HREF="http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp" TARGET=_blank>http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp</A>

Thank you all for your opinions.<P><B>KristyAnn</B>, The reason I've decided to confront her is because I want to make sure that she understands that I'm aware of the "flirtation" and that I have no intention of ever giving up my H or tolerating any shenanigans from her. I'm pretty sure my H has told her how I feel, but I think she needs to hear it from me...in a way that shows her my strength.<P>I'm not worried that my H will leave me for her...really never have been. We have too much invested in our marriage, and he <B>does</B> still love me and may be finding his way back to being <B>in love</B> with me. He also would lose too much financially, plus I think he fears the kids would never forgive him.<P><B>Iam4us</B> <BR> I <B>have</B> told my H about the things that happened...he denies all of it....even the things that I saw for myself. Says he doesn't know why she made that comment to me, etc. He even told me that she once asked him if I thought there was anything between them, and later denied telling me that. This guy is the king of liars....took him over 13 years to admit to the one-night stand where he contracted trich, which he passed on to me.<P><B>lostsoulmate</B> and <B>TnT</B><P>Yeah, I figure it's time to drop the bomb on her. Oh, I'm sure that my H has told her of my suspicions....probably why she's been trying to avoid me for the past two years. I'm just waiting my chance to catch her unawares. It may take a while, as I need to do this in relative privacy, and I don't want to forewarn her by telling her I need to speak with her.<P>I really have low expectations from this....I don't expect her to blab all, but I do think that she will have trouble explaining her remarks to me. That is basically all I'm going to bring up with her. I'm going to ask her when, where, and how these conversations came about. If she says that they didn't happen, I'll ask her why she lied. Either way, I figure she'll have to do some squirming.<P>And, that's basically it. No accusations of screwing my H or anything like that. Just a calm request for her to explain herself...and then I'll walk away. No hysterics or anything like that....I shall be STRONG!!!<P>And, then, if she just HAS to get in touch with H, I'll be ready for that, too.<P>H's reaction? Well, in the past, he's told me to go ahead and ask her. One time, I said, "OK, I will," and he backed off. He will likely not say anything much; to come to her defense would be a huge LB for HIM and the last straw for me.<P>At any rate, I'll get this stuff off my chest, which should make me feel much better.<P><B>Deb</B><BR> Yeah, if she's wise, she'll keep her hands off my H in the future.

Dear Sweetpea,<P>Of course, I respect your decision and I hope that it turns out well for you. I can understand how you feel, no doubt. When I first found out my H had slept with someone, I did call her and confront her. It caused a dominoe effect that eventually made it all the way to my H's boss which only served to infuriate my H and make him feel like I was trying to manipulate him. That's why I was projecting a cautious stance.<P>If this is what you need to do, then, yes, do it. Just make sure that you approach her with class and dignity. Don't get into a screaming match with her. Maintain an air of calm, poise, security and emotional constraint -- that will probably make her even more uncomfortable.<P>Best of luck to you. Let us know how it goes (I'm sure you will! )<P><P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers,<BR>KristyAnn

Sweetpea <BR>If I could go back about 7 years.....I would walk right up to the bimbo and tell her to keep her needy little hands off my H.<P>Go for it!<P>If I had made the bimbo acknowledge my existance and awareness of the situation...I probably would have saved myself a great deal of pain. Instead I let her play her game and hoped she'd go away.<P>The one thing I learned a long time ago from my visits to TOW...there is nothing they love more than to have us in the background. Faceless, invisible, tolerating their actions..that's what they want.<P>I'd love to be with you when you do it.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I'm not worried that my H will leave me for her...really never have been. We have too much invested in our marriage, and he <B>does</B> still love me and may be finding his way back to being <B>in love</B> with me. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Sweetpea,<BR>I hope you can work these words into your conversation! Maybe you can work it so that you <I>thank her</I> for making that comment. You already know your H loves you, and knowing that he has occasion to share that with other people just warms your heart to the end of the earth. And, btw, CB, (a look of sudden puzzlement comes over sweetpea's face) "what on earth prompted him to ever say that to you?" <P>